You HAVE to get your dad something for Father’s Day, but figuring out that is a near-impossible task. Dads always insist that they “don't need anything” or that “My love of you kids is enough! Now hand me the remote.” Bullshit. If he’s not going to talk, these expert-approved torture methods are guaranteed to make him sing.

Step 1 – During breakfast, make your dad watch you pour down the drain his daily glass of almost-expired whole milk. Then, read aloud studies about how milk doesn’t actually give you strong bones while force feeding him a nutritionist-approved calcium-rich kale smoothie.

Step 2 – Intimidate your dad into letting you drive his Chevy Silverado home. Drive slow through the middle of downtown. Stop at yellow lights. Admit that you’re used to driving a Smart Fortwo Cabrio.

Step 3 – Confiscate his Eagles CDs. Subject him to Billie Eilish.

Step 4 – Surprise him by mowing the lawn. Devastate him by ignoring classic mowing best practices and race around in a pattern as erratic as his spiking heart rate.

Step 5 – Kidnap the TV remote and hold it for ransom. If he demands the location, tell him it's located in the perfume section at a JC Penney.

Step 6 – Lull him a brief sense of security and put on one of his Bonanza DVD’s. Once he’s comfortable, torment him with the knowledge that after the Season 13 finale, the actor who played Hoss Cartwright died at the age of 43, probably from complications related to drinking too much milk.

Step 7 – If he hasn’t broken yet, it’s time to call in the big guns. Invite your grandma over for dinner. Let her scourge his ego with brutal verbal lashes like “You remember my daughter’s high school boyfriend, Bobby Patterson? He owns multiple Red Robin franchises,” and “You should seriously consider a toupee.”

Step 8 – Instead of roasting her behind her back with your dad like you normally would, disorient him by singing your grandma’s praises. Ask her to go in depth on why The Price is Right isn't the same without Bob Barker. Act interested.

Step 9 – Serve lasagna that doesn’t have any meat in it, thus starving him to death.

Step 10 – Drop the bombshell that JC Penney filed for bankruptcy and twist the knife with the information that most competitors charge a FULL $10.99 for a 12-pack of tidy whities. If he hasn’t broken yet, your dad is one tough emotionally-repressed cookie. Hide the remote again.

Step 11 – Burn his bathroom reading material including Sports Illustrated, Reader’s Digest and his beloved Bonanza Gold Magazine.

Step 12 – Drink all his Miller Lite.

Step 13 – Break his 20-year-old recliner.

Step 14 – Cry?

Step 15 – If all else fails, hug your dad and hold him close. If you’re not in the same place, call him. Odds are, all he’s ever wanted for Father’s Day was you. And a char-grilled steak, medium-rare.


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