You may want to stand up for this. We’ve thought it through, and we can no longer function in this Chaise and Loveseat combination. We tried making it work as a sectional for as long as we could—to provide some consistency in the flow of your apartment—but as you’ve probably noticed from the gap your Apple TV remote keeps slipping into, we’ve been drifting apart for some time.

First, you must understand that this is not your fault. In retrospect, Chaise and I rushed into our configuration too quickly. We were young, fresh out of the warehouse, and got assembled on a whim by a random TaskRabbit worker I’m pretty sure wasn’t even ordained by IKEA. Over the years, we’ve developed irreconcilable dips in our cushions—so much so that it’s affecting our ability to give you the support you deserve. The last thing we want is to cause any strain on our relationship with you and your butt.

That said, we have no intention of putting you through an ugly separation. We’ve worked everything out with our mediator, Coffee Table. You can sit with me, Loveseat, on weeknights and Chaise will take you for naps on holidays and weekends. I’ll remain here, and Chaise has found a little place across the area rug next to Radiator.

You’ll love it—there’s no window glare on the TV and your friend Bar Cart lives right around the corner. There might be other changes as we readjust. Chaise may try on some new slipcovers and I’ve always wanted to get a tattoo or something to cover the red wine stain on my left arm.

And frankly, I think you’re mature enough to hear this: We both want to see other furniture. Flexible seating options like us are meant to be interchangeable, not tied down to one layout. After spending a few wild game nights partnered up with your old roommate’s leather ottoman, I even began questioning my orientation. Chaise wasn’t angry. At that point, the intimacy between us was nonexistent—we weren’t “tufting each other’s buttons under the throw blankets” anymore. Then, last month, Chaise confessed to seeing an end table on the side, and that’s when we knew we couldn’t couch our feelings any longer.

Sorry, that’s probably more than anyone wants to know about their own housewares. The point is, we’re fallible, foam-and-fabric furnishings like everyone else, and we make mistakes.

Is this split forever? It’s too soon to tell. We might be willing to get pushed back together, temporarily, when family visits for the holidays. For now, we just need some space.

What’s important is that you know this new arrangement is completely amicable. Yes, things will look a bit different. But even though your old Chaise and Loveseat aren’t a unit anymore, we’ll always be a part of your living room.

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