Hello and thank you for flying with us today, May 25th, 2045, on America’s One Remaining Airline! My name is Girl #4, and I’ll be your primary air servant for today’s flight.

My apologies for the delay in taking off this morning. I rushed here straight from the population control lottery. Safe to live another day!

Today we’re flying a Communal Brain Space 1000. And through a partnership with Amazon, this environmentally friendly aircraft runs 100% on recycled human suffering.

Our cruising altitude today will be very up. The exact number is not permissible to disclose per paramilitary statute L.I.E.

If you’re lucky enough to have a window seat, enjoy! But please do not look directly into The Cloud. The Cloud is full of our collective memories of extinct emotions like joy & empathy, so looking into it for too long may heighten your generalized feelings of nostalgic doom.

A warm welcome to our Aryan Class fliers! If you’re interested in hearing more about our Aryan Class amenities, ask me about how you can fly in a special part of the plane from which we’ve specifically removed anyone vaguely ethnic looking. Don’t worry—they’d prefer not to sit with you either. On America’s One Remaining Airline, everyone wins!

An extra warm welcome to our Diversity Class fliers! If you’re interested in hearing more about our Diversity Class amenities, ask me about how you can fly in a special part of the plane in which we’ve specifically placed a diverse mix of actors in every third seat to help you feel like you’re a good person in a good world doing good stuff. You’d think we wouldn’t want to disclose that they’re paid actors, but we’ve found that our Diversity Class passengers don’t really care!

And as always, there’s no need to stand up immediately when our communal brain spacecraft returns to Earth. Sitting or standing, you’ll all be suctioned through your respective exit holes at the exact same time!

Local weather in Guantanamo Bay is 90°F, 100% humidity. Yuck! However, if you’re headed to the “How We Did A Bad Thing for The Right Reasons” Torture Museum, that’s fully air-conditioned so you’re sure to be perfectly comfortable.

Normally the pilot would cover some of this, but his personality software couldn’t be installed in time.

We have a variety of extras available for purchase on today’s flight including food, alcohol, children, culturally appropriative tarot card readings, cigarettes, pre-packaged ideas, guns, ammunition, and children’s guns.

A cursory reminder that if you’re seated in the exit row of our communal brain spacecraft, you automatically volunteer to help choose which passenger to sacrifice should our misplaced collective rage come to some kind of boiling point.

And as always, by entering a publicly held space in the United States of America you relinquish your Miranda rights and your claim to the first-tenth amendments to the united states constitution, consent to any and all seizure and search of your property, person, and thoughts at any time, and automatically absolve the united states government of any liability in the event of harm, death, fear, or nightmares. If you agree to everything aforementioned say “Agree” now.

As always, your silence is taken as tacit approval and your legally binding responses have been recorded. Enjoy your fright!


MORE LIKE THIS