It’s very good to see you all here on Zoom today, gentlemen. I’ll say it right now: if anyone’s screen-sharing with a cop, it won’t be long until you’re keeping six feet away from the living. Do you understand? Screen-sharers are dead to me.
I’ve called this meeting to address your concerns about how we should proceed conducting business during a global pandemic. I’ll admit that as far back as February I was making guys wear N95 masks before shaking them down, though they were often pretending to put on the masks and then bolting while telling me to get fucked. I was several stacks light that month, but I believe I made our paisano Dr. Anthony Fauci very proud. And you know what else would make him very proud? Following these guidelines.
Breaking a chair over a guy’s head
We all know breaking a chair over a guy’s head is the bread and butter of what we do, but now that we’re social distancing, getting within range of a guy to break a chair over his head will be very difficult. Because of this, I am asking that we only consider roughing up guys who work in establishments with long-backed chairs. Unfortunately, the only such establishment that we control is the Medieval Times in Passaic. Luckily, they currently owe us sixty Gs plus interest.
Kneecapping a guy
I know how much we all love kneecapping a guy. There’s really nothing like it. But being that close to any guy right now would simply pose too great a health risk, so we need to think creatively. If you can successfully kneecap a guy from at least six feet away, then feel free to continue kneecapping guys. If you can’t kneecap a guy from at least six feet away, then you might have to start blowing guys’ heads off. It’s harder to send a message to a guy by blowing his head off, but we have to do what we can to flatten the curve. Silvio has very kindly offered to get everyone new Berettas with silencers expressly for blowing guys’ heads off from a distance, so please be sure to wave and mouth “Thanks!” when he drops yours off.
Strangling a guy with piano wire
Sadly, we won’t be strangling any guys with piano wire until Jersey enters phase four of reopening. I know this is very disappointing. If you really need to strangle something with piano wire in the meantime, Silvio will be dropping off those rubber CPR dummies along with your Berettas. I strangled one the other day and honestly, I could barely tell the difference.
Running a guy over with your car
When at all possible, please try to whack guys by running them over with your car. This is the safest method we have of whacking guys, as it allows us to maintain plenty of distance between ourselves and the guy while whacking him.
Bonus: it’s sanitary! You just have to take your car through the wash afterwards. I knew I was probably going to get a lot of questions about this one, so South Jersey boss Louie “Big Ziti” DiMaglio and I made up an infographic called “How to Lure Guys in Front of Your Car,” which I’m going to email to all of you now. (It should go without saying that nobody is going to allow a guy in his car, even if the guy is a loyal stooge who’s about to rat on the cops. If he’s got something important to say to you, he can shout it through your car window from at least six feet away.)
Assassinating a guy from a rival family
Assassinations usually happen in public: what fun would they be otherwise? But now that we’re all sheltering in place, there isn’t exactly a public to assassinate anyone in. And I know that many of you have been upset that you can’t plant car bombs because nobody’s driving anywhere and you can’t send soldatos to barge into guys’ houses to intimidate them because that would pose a public health hazard. I’m afraid that we’ll have to do with written threats until the state reopens and we can resume assassinations. I have compiled a list of emails of all the guys from rival families who’ve been cutting in on our action: please find the email of your desired guy and threaten him. Some good written threats include: HO! YOU’RE GONNA GET IT, BIG GUY! and YOU CAME FOR MY MONEY AND NOW I’M COMING FOR YOU and my personal favorite: DIDN’T EXPECT ME, DID YOU? TAKE ONE STEP OFF THAT BOAT OF YOURS AND I’M GONNA PUT A SLUG BETWEEN YOUR EYES, PRETTYBOY.
Letting guys pay you to look the other way
I’m very happy to say that while we can’t take cash anymore, we’ll be accepting bribes via card readers! If you want to let a guy pay you to look the other way, simply have him insert his card into the reader, overcharge him on your phone, and collect the card reader from him after he’s cleaned it with a disinfectant wipe. If the guy would prefer to use Venmo, PayPal, or the Cash App, be sure to let him know we’re now accepting those as well.
Putting your hand around a loud guy’s neck in a strip club you own and gently pulling his ear to your mouth so he can hear you very clearly when you tell him that he better shut the fuck up because this is your club and people who act like he’s acting in your club typically never get to leave your club, understand?
I’m not sure why so many of you asked me about this. We definitely cannot do this during a global pandemic.
Thanks for coming, gentlemen. Also, a quick announcement: everyone who was about to be made this year should know that you’re still going to be made, it’s just going to happen over Zoom instead of packing you all into a poorly-lit and poorly-ventilated room with a bunch of capos who may or may not be asymptomatic carriers.
And this year, let’s skip slicing our fingers open and dripping our blood on images of the saints, shall we? Just because we’re the Cosa Nostra, doesn’t mean we have to be unsanitary.