A towel hanging up means, “I’ll use it again.”

A towel on the floor means, “Please replace.”

A towel on a dead body means, “Please replace this body.”

A towel on another towel means, “These towels are having sex. Do not disturb. The mating dance of the hotel towel is as delicate and fragile as that of the giant panda.”

A towel on my head means, “I lost my tinfoil hat.”

A towel on the TV means, “This towel is eligible for an Emmy.”

A towel on cable TV means, “This towel is a gritty antihero involved in sexual situations, strong language, and violence. Viewer discretion is advised.”

A towel on a bottle of vodka means, “This towel likes to party.”

A towel under a bottle of vodka means, “Help! I’m trapped. I’m a towel, and I have rights.”

A towel off the hook means, “This towel is off the chain.”

A towel on the bed entwined with a red flag means, “This towel is in bed with Russia.”

A towel in the toilet means, “A bully gave this towel a swirlie.”

A towel in the microwave means, “I eat towels. Please do not question my all-towel diet.”

A towel in the primordial ooze at the dawn of time means, “We are all descended from towels. Whoa.”

A towel on bath salts means, “Do not use this towel on your face.”

A towel with a face means, “This isn’t a towel. It’s the Shroud of Turin.”

A towel in a dream means, “This is an inception. Tell me where all your towels are before we wake up.”

A towel with a name scrawled on it in marker means, “I need to make more friends.”

A towel with a 401k means, “I’m going to marry this towel.”

A towel with bedbugs means, “This hotel is bad.”

A towel on the moon means, “Neil Armstrong is a slob.”

A towel on the sun means, “I had a dumb idea to stop climate change.”

A towel on Godzilla’s face means, “Mothra is playing peekaboo with Godzilla again.”

A towel with seven heads and ten horns on Judgment Day means, “The end is nigh.”

A towel on Stonehenge means, “I don’t know what this means.”


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