Distinguished colleagues of the American Association of Experimental Medical Research, thank you for joining me. Today I am thrilled to present a new treatment for those suffering from actuallytis, which as you know is the compulsion to make unnecessary, annoying, and pedantic corrections of others.
Let me say as an aside, it is inspiring to see so many women and people of color in the audience. We are truly all in this together, despite the fact that, for reasons unknown, 92% of actuallytis sufferers are white men.
But on to our groundbreaking treatment. Since 2015 it has been my privilege to serve as Research Director for the new immersion therapy program at the Elsa Institute For Letting It Go. Over the course of 92 short weeks, we immerse our live-in patients in minor inaccuracies of increasing frequency and intensity until they are desensitized enough to refrain from correcting every innocent slip-up they encounter (or they experience complete mental disintegration, see Appendix V: Miscellaneous, footnote 216).
A first step towards healing.
It all begins during intake to our residential treatment facility, a decommissioned aircraft carrier in the Bermuda triangle. At the initial consultation, we provide a control dose of triggering, mistake-ridden material to unwitting patients to baseline their urge to correct others. See this excerpt from our intake script:
“[Insert Patient Name], me and my colleagues are with you 1,000 percent. This is an extremely unique treatment, comprised of more difficulties than other methods, but we use it since it results in less relapses and can improve your condition farther then the alternatives. It is tough, but we could care less if you enjoy it, we want results. So, can I lead you to your bunk?”
For even our most mild cases, it takes on average 16.5 minutes to work through the patient’s compulsive corrections to that paragraph (See Appendix F: “I Don’t Know, Can You?”: Common Actuallysis Corrections and Recommended Clinical Responses)
Next, we begin the structured immersion therapy program, whereby our patients spend 16 hours each day restrained in The Apparatus™ and inundated with escalating doses of inconsequential mistakes. For example, from our “History/Science” module:
“Many of America’s founding fathers were multi-talented. For example, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity long before becoming one of our greatest Presidents.”
Patients are clearly instructed not to make corrections. In response to the first such infraction, we start with 10,000 volts to the perineum, and things escalate from there (See Appendix Q: Patient Liability Waivers and Appendix R: Legal Benefits of Research in International Waters).
This is all augmented by our Subconsicous Exposure Initiative™, where even outside of sessions our patients are subtly immersed. For example, the facility is swathed with ads for the cafeteria’s “Award Winning” Meatloaf and the movie theater’s weekly Sneak Peak Saturday’s.
I must acknowledge, we had some hiccups in the early days. For example, consider this overly potent treatment we administered during our first clinical trial:
“Science fiction and fantasy have given us some of our most iconic images, like Doctor Who stepping out of the Tardis, Zelda playing his Ocarina, the Millennium Falcon jumping to warp speed, and Captain USA snapping his whip at The Penguin.”
Tragically, a severely ill patient’s reaction to this dose was so intense that it cost three orderlies their lives. However, because of their sacrifice we have made great progress in understanding the virulent “Nerd Culture” substrain.
While actuallytis patients will probably never be truly “cured,” aggressive therapies such as this can mitigate their symptoms and open the door to healthy, fulfilling relationships. Consider Kevin F’s comments upon intake (“Someone has to stand up for accuracy…I’m just saying…They should thank me!”) and after week 92 (“Whatever”). Truly remarkable…. Excuse me, I’m sorry for getting so emotional.
I will close by saying, this is only the beginning. Our research program has also opened numerous promising avenues of inquiry into related diseases, including Movie Podcast Ambition Syndrome, Letters to the Editor Disorder, and Bill Maher.
Thank you, thank you for your applause. We now have a few minutes for Q&A. This first question comes via Twitter from @AshleySmith1985, and it reads: “Your presentation literally blew my mind! My question is, have you seen indications actuallytis is contagious?”
First of all Ashley, I think you mean “figuratively.” Second…
Oh dear god….