Mom, you’ve got to meet my new boyfriend, a cup of Joe. You’ll love him!

He’s strong, steamin’ hot, and Colombian. And he makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I don’t think any of my boyfriends have had such a positive impact on my life. Yeah, not even Brad. You know, cup of Joe sends me off to work every day. Before he was in my life, I was always cranky and groggy in the mornings. But these days, I start my day off with some quality time with cup of Joe and I even manage to get half of my to-do list done by lunch!

Yes, work’s been good. Great actually. I bring cuppa Joe to the office with me every day. Cuppa Joe? Oh yeah sorry, that’s what all his friends call him. Anyway, you know what’s amazing? Cuppa Joe just perches himself on my desk and no one really minds. Brad was way too tall to fit on my desk without creating a mess.

And I don’t know what it is, every time I’m with cuppa Joe, I feel this burst of energy and rush of motivation that inspires me to just keep going. Remember when I was obsessed with Red Bull in college? This kind of reminds me of that.

Sleepless nights, a racing heart, and constant lightheadedness…. Isn’t that what true love feels like, Mom?

Yeah yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Why am I with cup of Joe when I can find a man who looks like GI Joe? Mom, all these big bulky men come with way too much baggage. It’s like they carry it in their muscles or something. Remember how unpredictable Brad used to be? Hot one day and cold the next. At least with cuppa Joe, I know when he’s hot and I know when he’s cold. I don’t need to deal with any erratic mood swings. Sure, he can be a little bitter sometimes, but I know exactly how to bring him back to his sweet and loving self. Two teaspoons of sugar and a quarter cup of milk.

Oh yeah, I completely forgot to tell you how we met. Well, it was at a coffee shop, of course. But don’t worry, I didn’t meet him somewhere mainstream like a Starbucks. I met him at this hip coffee shop here in Williamsburg. He had me at “locally sourced.” It was a cold winter morning and cuppa Joe joined me at my table—I still remember the way he smelled. A hint of dry smoked wood mixed with notes of cedar and clove. It’s been three months now, but he’s still the first thing I think of when I wake up.

I dress cup of Joe in a new mug every day. We like to call it a “mug-fit”—it’s our little inside joke. From “#Hustle” and “Get Shit Done” to “I Can’t Adult Today” and “Coffee.Sleep.Repeat”—he looks so hot in every mug-fit.

And he’s perfect on dates. In fact, all my friends are so jealous that they want to take cup of Joe along with them on their Bumble first dates. Yeah, crazy right? Tina said something about wine making her blabber too much and how cuppa Joe would stop her from spilling stories about her ex who just broke up with her on top of a Ferris wheel.

I think I really lucked out, mom. In fact, cup of Joe has been bubbling next to me all this while and hasn’t even interrupted me once! Yes, dinner on Sunday sounds great! Actually, what about breakfast? That’s more his thing. I can’t wait for you to meet him! Yup, talk to you soon. Time to give the best boyfriend in the world a kiss. *slurp*