1. Does your boyfriend have a wife?

  1. Of course not!
  2. Yes and she doesn’t know about the affair cause we keep it private by having quietly intense sex in the wildly glamorous vacation house they share together, while I lightly cry and look out the window.

2. Do people know about your relationship?

  1. Oh yes! I post about it all over social media and use lots of fun hashtags like #weareacouple and #lookatmyboyfriend.
  2. Of course not! If they knew it could ruin his reputation for undisclosed reasons and he’d be the laughing stock of the school even though I am wildly hot and seem like every girl at school but am slightly smarter (awk).

3. When one of your boyfriend’s friends bully you at a party, does your boyfriend…

  1. …stand up for me of course! Also all of his friends like me anyway so this would never happen.
  2. …not do anything for sexy and mysterious reasons because no one can know about my secret love and if I have to get sexually harassed in front of everyone that doesn’t matter because young love is pain and also results in a lot of sexy, quiet angst that appeals to the male gaze.

4. What kind of sex do you have?

  1. Usually just missionary but sometimes on vacation we like to hook up to R&B.
  2. Quiet, intense yet thrilling sex in the middle of the night so no one can possibly know what’s happening. Sometimes there’s some light choking during the daytime and it makes me wonder, what is pain really?

5. Have you two broken up before?

  1. Of course not! If we fight, we work it out through constructive arguments that always end with a sweet hug.
  2. Yes. We tend to break up every two weeks or so and then I email him something blasé like, “Life is hard sometimes in the evening.” Then he doesn’t respond for two weeks but might say, “My wife is happy. I think you saved our relationship. Want to meet up?”

6. Do people around you think you’re a cute couple?

  1. People are actually pretty supportive and my mom once said, “He seems nice!”
  2. Most people don’t know about us, but even if they did they probably wouldn’t think that because no one thinks I’m pretty since my uniform is always slightly messy and they would wonder why someone rugged and beautiful like him would date a haughty emotional garbage bag like me. When we’re together I like to cry when he touches me because I’ve never experienced true beauty until now and it’s so awful yet so excruciatingly wonderful and sometimes, I can barely even breathe. What was the question again?

7. Do you two have a wildly sexy and secret correspondence?

  1. Sometimes he texts me, “Want some burgers?” at 2 AM and then he buys me burgers!
  2. Oh yes! We have been sending letters for months and I know all about his angst and issues with his family and his career goals. He sometimes sends me letters about how seeing flowers in the summer makes his body burn and I wonder if it’s poetic or an STD. I write him letters about how seeing the color orange reminds me of how my father never speaks to me anymore and enjoys alcohol more than human connection. We like to keep it light.

If You Got Mostly As: Congrats! You’re in an Average Relationship!

You and your man are a normal couple and enjoy average things like being seen in public and eating burgers in the middle of the night. You two are so well adjusted-congrats!

If You Got Mostly Bs: Oh no! You are in a Sexy, Self-Destructive Relationship from a Sally Rooney Novel!

You are stuck in a wildly sexy relationship that is hot enough to be in a Marc Jacobs ad. Please get out as fast as you can and find a guy that can talk to you in public and you don’t feel empty around for no reason constantly in a hot way. Just remember, breaking up every two weeks is not practical and just because a dude lightly chokes you in a beautiful way doesn’t mean he can fix your daddy issues.