Hey there. It’s me, Frederick Charles Krueger III, CEO and founder of your inner-most fears. As you’re all aware businesses across the country are being put on pause except for those deemed essential. As a result, California governor Gavin Newsom has asked me to shutter my business, the tiny nightmare factories that are housed inside all your brains. As a tech billionaire that runs a towering business that no one asked for, I realize I have a grave responsibility in front of me.
And that’s why I’ve decided as the premier creator of nightmares that I’m going to remain open for business despite state mandates and I will also be filing a lawsuit against your human government.
Some of you may be wondering: Mr. Krueger, are nightmare factories really “essential?” Especially during a pandemic when real life mimics the very essence of nightmares? That’s a great question. Why do you feel pain when you touch a hot stove? It’s your body’s way of telling you not to touch the hot stove. Nightmares are like that but for your 10-foot tall English teacher who talks in your grandma’s voice and tells you you’re late to take the SATs even though you’re 32. If you need me to explain this, I’m sorry to say you clearly haven’t gleaned the lesson from that nightmare. I will go ahead and mark that one as “reoccurring.” You’re welcome!
I’m not alone. Officials across the country agree that nightmare factories must remain open. Sure, I may have secured their support by incepting their dreams with the notion that if nightmare factories close all their teeth will fall out and they'll show up to their 1976 high school graduation naked. That’s neither here nor there. If you want to succeed in politics, you need to get your hands dirty. Much like that harrowing night terror you had about the Port-o-Potties at Coachella yesterday (you’re welcome).
But don’t take it from me! Here is a statement from my prisoner trapped inside an elaborate dream of my creation—I mean human customer:
“The nightmare factories must stay open. A witch told me in my sleep. She knew Hector, my childhood imaginary friend. I think he's in trouble even though I know he's not real. I’m five years old but I look like I do right now. I’m scared. I wake up in my room but it’s not my room. I realize I’m still dreaming.”
There you have it! Unwavering support from a long-time, loyal customer. Sure, I put a great deal of time and care into making your nightmares bizarre and utterly perplexing. But it’s the psychic energy extracted from your collective unconsciousness that keep the lights on in nightmare factories across the world. And unlike mortal run companies, we don’t even need to worry about paying our workforce. Everyone’s subconscious does the work for them! This way customers are free to enjoy their individual socially distanced nightmare. (Right until I get close enough to claw them to death that is.) Its cost cutting measures like these that made Ayn Rand call nightmare factories, “a perfect business.”
So why does the governor want to close down a highly efficient institution that has plagued humanity since the beginning of time? Times are changing. Our competitors over at Twitter and Facebook can offer a more palatable approach to the nightmare industry. On top of that, there’s a rag tag group of teens who simply will not leave me alone! Their grassroots campaign #neverfallasleep has been making my stocks plummet. Also, they are very hard to kill. However, I would argue there’s no substitution for an honest to goodness horrifying nightmare. This is a service the American people need whether they like it or not. (To be clear they don’t.)
In short, nightmare factories housed inside your brains will be open for business no matter what any mortal government says. And if anyone has a problem with that, I just ask that they only arrest me. Like actually. I’d like to see them try. I’ll turn into a lawnmower in their sleep and turn their whole family into mulch. Send tweet.