Thank you for contacting me about painting your house. I take my role as a house painter very seriously.

For instance, one client asked for gray exterior paint, but I heard what they didn’t say and painted their house in the style of Jackson Pollock. Okay, I might have spilled some paint on the trees getting it to drip properly, but I had to design a system of levers and pulleys in order to properly spatter the paint from the correct height and velocity. The velocity of paint is something no one ever talks about, and I had to experiment just to get that right. As an added benefit, all of the windows ended up covered in paint, which now offers added privacy and saves on window treatments.

Painting that house took a lot of effort and expense. Despite all I went through to realize an artistic vision for their house, that client has refused to pay.

On top of that they sued me for “destruction of property,” and “emotional distress.” I think those are just made-up words for “I don’t want to pay.”

What it really comes down to is that the client is embarrassed about their inability to pay me. It happens frequently. There was the couple whose house I painted in the style of Mondrian. They refused to pay because they chose a subtle brown exterior paint. I did nothing wrong; their house called for white, blue, red and yellow quadrilaterals. Getting the exact lines just right was exhausting.

Another client sued me after having their house remodeled in the style of M.C. Escher. That client claimed that they could not get in the front door because it was a never-ending loop. How did they break the never-ending loop to hire an attorney then?

My defense, naturally, is that I’ve increased the value of these properties exponentially, and that these lawsuits are such a waste of time. Any of my clients could always sell their house at auction to obtain the necessary funds. Take the Pollock house. An original Jackson Pollock canvas could fetch upwards of $200 million. Since I used a lot more paint, my work is worth at least twice that. Plus, I risked my life painting that house. If it weren’t for me, they would have have a drab house in a boring neighborohood. Now their house could be subject to a bidding war, meaning they might even have enough money left over to cover moving costs!

But enough about my other clients, let’s talk about your home. I’ve moved past mimicking famous artists; it’s overdone and, frankly, I’m underpaid doing it. I see that you want your home to be painted all white, and that you have a limited budget. We can achieve the desired effect through crowdfunding. My plan is to paint a QR code on the exterior wall that faces the street. Not only is a QR code a gorgeous design for the home, it is also a commentary on crass commercialism. Anyone who uses a QR reader to see where it takes them gets charged a small fee. The fee will change each day: it could be $50 one day and $1500 the next day. If crowdfunding can work for medical expenses, it can work for house painting.

Just sign this contract absolving me of all indemnity, and I’ll get started.