Dear Faculty,

It is my pleasure to share with you our various stratagems for reopening Central University in Fall 2020.

Plan A: Continue with distance learning, holding all classes online and allowing staff to work from home.

While this is the safest option and possibly the favored choice of faculty, we don’t actually know because we deliberately excluded the faculty from all planning. In our education as business model, you are just as expendable as the students we recruit.

Plan B: Implement a combination of online learning and face-to-face education.

With this option, classes will resume next week and go until Fall Break. Social distancing and face masks will be mandatory.

Faculty will be required to separate the curriculum into two equally relevant and rigorous sections, one which will begin in person, and one which will be implemented when we must resume distance learning.

Additionally, each class section will be further divided into “subsections” to accommodate 6 feet of social distancing within classes. Our average square foot class size at CU allows approximately 4 students per section. So, a class of 20 students will be divided into 5 subsections. A Mon-Wed 10 AM English 101, for example, will now be taught at 10 AM, 11:15 AM, 12:45 PM, 2 PM, and 3:15 PM. Simply apply this format to each of the four courses you teach to understand your new schedule.

We are confident that the regular issues with mold, bedbugs and plumbing in the dorms have primed the students’ immune systems to live in close proximity during a pandemic. We are further confident that though they may have been infantilized of late moving back into their childhood bedrooms in a completely unsafe and uncertain world, that they will mature rapidly and exercise the prudence, restraint and cautious decision-making for which teenagers are known once classes reconvene in person.

In one innovative model, students will form “learning pods.” You, the faculty, will visit their dorms to teach. With Residence Life Staff and maintenance furloughed, there is additional work opportunity to be a “house parent.”

Survey courses will continue online.

Plan C: Fully return to in-person classes, also known as “The Younger Games.”

University trustees and donors have shown the most enthusiasm for this model. Each student will be issued a hazmat suit upon move-in (in CU colors!) which they will wear at all times. Suits are available for purchase in the bookstore for faculty and staff.

We are pleased to announce that with this option, the dining hall will also reopen! To accommodate our 20,000 students while social distancing in the dining hall, we will first be implementing a daily drawing to see which students can eat. Then via a simple algorithm, 67% of the students will be assigned a single 30-minute time between 12 AM and 12 PM to dine.

Dorm life too will see alterations. Students will be assigned a bathroom time daily for showering and elimination (based on availability.) McAlister Residence Hall will be the Quarantine Dorm. Now seeking volunteers to be live-in dorm parents for McAlister.

Additionally, the use of hazmat suits in classrooms will defray the cost of fixing the HVAC in the buildings. The suits provide insulation from the elements.

And really if all else fails, these young people probably have some kind of antibodies or something to fight off illness. After all, the entire campus gets strep every year along with the flu. Surely, this will be more manageable. Should you fall ill, the university has shored up our reserve of adjuncts. With most adjunct instructors only teaching 15 credits in the fall, they will easily be able to take on your classes in the event of an emergency.

We know change can be difficult. That is why we have eliminated the Ethics Department in reprioritization to hire the new Associate Vice President of Inclusivity for Curricular and Developmental Outreach. He will welcome your inquiries starting July 31st.

Classes resume August 1.

Should you not feel comfortable returning to in-person classes, know that your job will not be jeopardized by your lack of team spirit.

In other exciting news, we are pleased to announce that there is no longer a hiring freeze! Searches will resume as scheduled.

Look for an email detailing our incentivized faculty pay reduction for Fall 2020. (All voluntary participants receive a voucher for the dining hall!) Contact your department head to address your concerns.

On a completely unrelated matter, the list of staff furloughs and junior faculty up for promotion is attached to this email.

We look forward to returning to a real CU college experience Fall 2020. We will CU then!


The Associate Dean of Institutional Advancement and Prioritization Learning Outcomes
Assistant Chair of the New Virtual Gaming Degree
Chief Custodian
Adjunct Professor of Oboe