It’s Me, Your Healing Crystal, May I Have a Word?
When you cupped me in your hands and held me up to the light, I thought, “Okay, geologist!” I was excited to go home with you.
When you cupped me in your hands and held me up to the light, I thought, “Okay, geologist!” I was excited to go home with you.
Guests are forbidden from bringing presents. Jazz is a gift in itself.
6:45 AM: Wind speed in the air is currently ten miles per hour, which is something only relevant to me.
Allowing us to sell your data helps us serve you ads relevant to your interests. Also, the orb is ravenous.
Yeah, Mama and I have been good. Just the daily grind, trying to bang out those milestones. You know how it is. Starting to roll over, yep.
Period pieces you may or may not have heard of, including Ringlets Weekly, Knees!, and Hats Off Magazine.
Holding a fair after the Windowpane Smashing Festival wouldn’t work either because, well, the windowpanes are all smashed, obviously.
70 ft: Screw it, I’m just going to wave. Social norms be damned! 65 ft: Shit, he’s definitely not looking at me.
That’s right, I’d be afraid if I were you too. Afraid of having my actions held up to intellectually rigorous ethical scrutiny!
An avid motorcycle rider, Ben loved the freedom of the road. And before you jump to conclusions, no, that’s not how he died.
★★ I’ve never seen a movie with so much dancing that’s not a musical. I’m so glad Six Flags isn’t a real place.
First, don’t ever call it the Big Apple. That’s embarrassing. The locals call it Nork-Nork. As in, “Welcome to Nork-Nork, dumb-dumb!"
Your mama’s so broke she doesn’t even make cents! Which is a shame because she’s worked hard for everything in this life.
That’s great, Sylvia. I’ll just make a note of that for my records. Do you mind if I change the subject while we wait for our server to arrive?
Thanks to the PTA and a few passionate teachers, an after-school grammar club is formed so kids like me have a safe place to diagram sentences.
Kara, from today onward, you and I will be one in heart, body, and mind. Hey, can we curse on this thing?
YOU FORGOT MOM’S BIRTHDAY! IT’S TODAY! BUY HER A PRESENT HERE NOW!
I know, it’s such a cliché: “This year, no more eating children! Not even the wicked ones!” But it makes sense.
Faerie Lights: For when you’re watching "Garden State" with him for the first time.
’m going to run, jump, and climb over anything that stands between me and other people thinking good thoughts about me.
I don't want to be bad, but I will if I have to. Wait, scratch that. I actually LOVE being bad. And guess what? To me? Being bad feels GOOD.
Be More Interesting Than Whatever Is On Their Screens: You do have one huge advantage over their screens: a direct and genetic link to their vanity.
What exciting interpretations will these visionaries have for my scoliosis, receding hairline, and fallen arches?
We figured you just weren’t hungry or something, considering how often you used to snack on us.
I flipped through it and noticed it had a lot of words, and some of them were long.
Just you, me, a $20 bottle of pinot noir, and 5-8 professional sex associates that we host for a no-holes-barred 12-hour touchfest.
Rodney is a baby and I am an adult man. We look nothing alike. For starters, look at how much smaller Rodney is than me.
Listen, I appreciate being included in this Christmas parade but, frankly, I’m not sure why I’m here.
Just goes to show you what 520 calories and 24 grams of protein per sandwich can do for your kids.
My seat had no window, I'd wasted my cash / on a seat in the middle by a guy with a rash
There is no way ol' Kris Kringle is going to remember what I asked for… until now. This holiday season, he is going to remember my name.
Which of your family members is now a part of QAnon? What is your first guess on Wordle?
What do I want for Christmas? Just get me anything. Socks, sweaters, a crisp stack of twenties shoved inside a brown paper bag.
I leaned in super slowly for a kiss when… her freaking precocious daughter popped in so that we could taste the cookies she made.
Wearing multiple warm layers will ensure that you don’t end up in the ER with hypothermia.
For everyone telling me to get over it? Remember that I was juiced! As a child!
Whole: Expect your life to be "Emily in Paris" but really it’s more like "Frances Ha"
Your father and I are trying to plan Hanukkah. Think you’ll be able to join us in Nazareth for the last night? You also have a birthday coming up.
- There’s no chance you’ll walk away with a flattering photo. - You don’t know what to do with your arms.
Sad news to report to Arrowhead fans: At a Cincinnati concert, bassist Valmer DeSota got his long hair stuck in the strings of his bass.
The water is so chalked full of minerals that no matter how hard I try, I cannot get the soap to lather. Just like the shower at home, but shittier.
Our top picks from 2023, featuring horny astronauts, long-winded toast recipe bloggers, and the tall guy blocking your view.
How many grams of protein do you consume each day? What do you mean you don’t know? Don’t you count your macros, bro?
A Picture of the Loaf of Bread I Made Six Years Ago: My source of pride.
Join me on an epic day of going to all the doctors I’ve been avoiding since I was a teen and will no longer have access to!
A brief mea culpa from me: as the lone cook of this dinner, I cannot help but feel that I have to bear at least some responsibility for this.
Childhood Dream: Live in a mansion. Adult Revision: Live next door to someone who doesn’t own a leaf blower.
For new patients, let me tell you about the opening scene. We fade in on a beach, sand caked with blood being washed away by the waves!
The filming schedules for the shows overlap so that I always have at least two competing crews filming me at once and oftentimes, all four.
A lot of the information Spotify gives you doesn’t seem that interesting anyway. I don’t even think “Toxic Positivity Delusioncore” is a real genre.
Consider that if you had stolen a different car (like my neighbor’s Prius, as an arbitrary example) and left mine unharmed.
“Love one another,” commanded Jesus Christ, continuing, “Does that make any sense? I feel like I’m not making sense. Sorry.”
Instead of practical commitments, we’ve asked them to show up with the filthiest, horniest fanfic about an environmentalist allegory ever.
Doesn’t fall correctly… I don’t know what the ideal shape would be, but this wasn’t it.
If there’s a place to get a cheaper, more unpleasant handjob, I’ve probably put them out of business.
I think you should ask your doctor about how your lower GI issues could be alleviated with a daily regimen of Green Crack.
Welcome to Your Cheap New Apartment! Your main quest is to violate your lease without getting caught.
You scrolled your own Instagram profile for 3 hours last week. You will never get that time back.
“I reckon this town ain’t big enough for The Both of Us, my start-up concept for a novelty cowboy singles bar.”
This family has a rich history of Crazy Uncles ruining Thanksgiving. A tradition that you are now responsible for.
What’s that they’re talking about now? "Where’s Aunt June’s fun dip?” The fuck is fun dip? Christ in heaven, this is Thanksgiving!
Nothing good will come from yelling about whether there’s a glue spot on the plastic pear that indicates where a neighboring bunch of muscats should be adhered.
Thanksgiving is one of the few days that I can gather with my family, eat a huge plate of delicious food, and pound back six or seven glasses of gravy.
I walk out into my backyard party—it’s always a party in my backyard. I smile and clink glasses with a man who could be my neighbor, but is he?
FastFix here. Hard to articulate... but there’s something about 5:00 that feels more rounded out than 4:30, don’t you think?
Consider swinging with a witch: The best way to do this is by mentioning that you saw them from across the bog, and you really dig their vibe.
Q: Do I need to time the hourglass? A: No. That would be redundant.
The revelations about the human condition you experience after consuming hallucinogenic mushrooms make it much easier to come up with future Fortune 500 companies.
Registered: A brand new crib with a breathable, hypoallergenic mattress / My Baby Wanted: Our dog’s bed, full of dog hair and slobbery toys
Course Materials/Payment: Double Baconator with large fry OR Pack of cigs (Camel preferred) OR 6-pack of Miller Lite
My being here is simply for the lulz and has nothing to do with my ex posting a vacation album with her new boyfriend on social media.
You raised some concerns that a lot of us have zero climbing experience. Just so you know, I watched a bunch of climbing videos.
When my girlfriend walks away, she doesn’t follow her. She stays with me because I’m nurturing and friendly and like, super cool.
- DIY ax throwing in the parking lot - Fish microwaving contest - Egging Janet in HR’s car (for charity)
I just don’t think I can morally justify knowingly bringing children into a world where their dad would be me.
If we look back to the mistakes, the failures, the death mask grimaces of the asphyxiated faces we’ve left behind, then we’ll never move on.
Are you picturing the powder keg? Think back to the last time you went out to sea and needed to bring a large amount of gunpowder.
You are about to enter another world. It is a world not of matter, but of hilarious practical jokes. It’s a place we like to call… The Prank Zone.
You came here to read a Les Mis-length exposition on a one-step recipe from an expert in rural boho chic.
I have discovered that which can destroy you! Your name, demon! And I know your name… uh… man.
Someone or something begins to rattle the door back and forth as if trying to force it open. Suddenly, it stops.
Imagine my horror as I watched Mario and Luigi stuff their pockets without a moment’s thought for their fellow trick-or-treater.
"2 Sound 2 Furious" follows the continued exploits of the Compson family as they compete in underground wagon races.
You’re ashamed to be wearing something from Goodwill while everyone you know is wearing something gifted to them by their rich parents.
"What’s your schedule?" Exorcism is a nonstop, 24/6 career and the Devil loves dropping in unannounced, so you’ll want your exorcist on-call.
I was wondering if we could do this another way. Maybe one that doesn’t require rolling on broken glass or literally lighting each other on fire?
You’re young, your hormones are raging. All you want to do is figure out what the shadowy figure following you through mirrors is saying.
Don’t worry about the old-timer who whispers “Beware the woods at night!” to you—it’s just his way of welcoming you!
I’ll tell you this about Carson City, pard: if’n you wanna survive on these wild plains, best thing you can do is subscribe to my newsletter.
"Dude, I heard you were doing the transcendental thing so I brought you a six pack and a slew of magazines of an... Umm... Delicate nature!"
Some of us are in it for the monk-ing and not the "reluctantly helping to investigate a crime despite the suspicion it draws upon themselves"-ing.
You’ve seen the lows; the fighting, the occasional breakups, and the time Jeff left me at Six Flags and the park closed while I was still inside.
FALL Under The Spell Of The New York Blood Center’s Impending Autumn Drive. Ah-Ah-AH!
Like all bars with inscrutable locations, it’s a speakeasy. A “secret” bar. But it’s a secret the way it’s “a secret” your aunt got a facelift in 2015.
Heaven has several noteworthy attractions. It boasts a decent choir, if you enjoy liturgical music. The library has a good book.
How you doin' (on this quiz)? Remember “The One with the Cake” and “The One with the Baby on the Bus”?
Depending on how gross the thought is, I’ll either do a full “tut tut” or just a simple tongue cluck. It’s an art, really.
By the time your child is in elementary school, they’ll be able to replace your basement door with a beaded curtain adorned with Grateful Dead skulls.
In five years I hope I can stop dwelling on the time when I was sucked into the thick swamp ooze only to be rescued by a creature of the night.
Trent Dribbly is a gale-force wind of fresh air with his unapologetic attitude about stealing leftover food from coworkers.