Nov
20
In Defense of Drinking Gravy
Thanksgiving is one of the few days that I can gather with my family, eat a huge plate of delicious food, and pound back six or seven glasses of gravy.
Nov
17
Help! I’m Trapped Inside the Sunday Football Commercial Break
I walk out into my backyard party—it’s always a party in my backyard. I smile and clink glasses with a man who could be my neighbor, but is he?
Nov
16
Look, We Need to Extend Your Appointment Window Again
FastFix here. Hard to articulate... but there’s something about 5:00 that feels more rounded out than 4:30, don’t you think?
Nov
15
Six Seduction Tips So Saucy They’ll Convince Your Husband to Murder the King of Scotland
Consider swinging with a witch: The best way to do this is by mentioning that you saw them from across the bog, and you really dig their vibe.
Nov
14
Technical FAQ About Your New Hourglass
Q: Do I need to time the hourglass? A: No. That would be redundant.
Nov
13
What I Learned on My Mushroom Retreat for Entrepreneurs
The revelations about the human condition you experience after consuming hallucinogenic mushrooms make it much easier to come up with future Fortune 500 companies.
Nov
11
Baby Gifts I Registered For vs. Gifts My Baby Actually Wanted
Registered: A brand new crib with a breathable, hypoallergenic mattress / My Baby Wanted: Our dog’s bed, full of dog hair and slobbery toys
Nov
10
Uncle Steve’s Offensive Driving Course for Young Drivers: A Syllabus
Course Materials/Payment: Double Baconator with large fry OR Pack of cigs (Camel preferred) OR 6-pack of Miller Lite
Nov
9
I’m Only on This Dating App Ironically, Unless You’re Interested in Falling in Love or Something
My being here is simply for the lulz and has nothing to do with my ex posting a vacation album with her new boyfriend on social media.
Nov
8
What You (a Humble, Highly-Skilled Nepalese Sherpa) Can Learn from Me (a Rich, Inexperienced Western Thrill-Seeker) About Climbing Mount Everest
You raised some concerns that a lot of us have zero climbing experience. Just so you know, I watched a bunch of climbing videos.
Nov
7
How I Imagined Life with a Puppy, Before I Got a Puppy
When my girlfriend walks away, she doesn’t follow her. She stays with me because I’m nurturing and friendly and like, super cool.
Nov
6
Team Building Activities HR Won’t Let Me Do for Some Reason
- DIY ax throwing in the parking lot - Fish microwaving contest - Egging Janet in HR’s car (for charity)
Nov
6
I’d Like to Have Kids, but I’m Not Sure It’s Ethical to Bring Children into a World Where Their Dad Would Be Me
I just don’t think I can morally justify knowingly bringing children into a world where their dad would be me.
Nov
4
This Halftime Locker Room Speech Seems as Good a Time as Any to Confess to My Killing Spree
If we look back to the mistakes, the failures, the death mask grimaces of the asphyxiated faces we’ve left behind, then we’ll never move on.
Nov
3
It Helps to Think of Europe as a Powder Keg, a Thing We Can All Picture
Are you picturing the powder keg? Think back to the last time you went out to sea and needed to bring a large amount of gunpowder.
Nov
2
Excerpts from Rod Serling’s Rejected Show “The Prank Zone”
You are about to enter another world. It is a world not of matter, but of hilarious practical jokes. It’s a place we like to call… The Prank Zone.
Nov
1
The Ultimate Best Toastiest Toast Recipe of ALL Time, Seriously, by à la Katie
You came here to read a Les Mis-length exposition on a one-step recipe from an expert in rural boho chic.
Oct
31
Back, Demon! Your Name Gives Me Dominion Over You– Uh, As Soon As I Remember It
I have discovered that which can destroy you! Your name, demon! And I know your name… uh… man.
Oct
30
Are You Starring in a Horror Movie or Sharing a House with Small Children?
Someone or something begins to rattle the door back and forth as if trying to force it open. Suddenly, it stops.
Oct
30
This Year’s Candy Will Be Earned Through Trust-Building Exercises
Imagine my horror as I watched Mario and Luigi stuff their pockets without a moment’s thought for their fellow trick-or-treater.
Oct
28
CliffsNotes: “2 Sound 2 Furious”
"2 Sound 2 Furious" follows the continued exploits of the Compson family as they compete in underground wagon races.
Oct
27
8-Year-Old Going Trick or Treating, or 28-Year-Old Looking for a Good Paying Job?
You’re ashamed to be wearing something from Goodwill while everyone you know is wearing something gifted to them by their rich parents.
Oct
27
Essential Questions to Ask Your Exorcist
"What’s your schedule?" Exorcism is a nonstop, 24/6 career and the Devil loves dropping in unannounced, so you’ll want your exorcist on-call.
Oct
26
You Know Something, Brother?! I Think We Can Settle This Another Way
I was wondering if we could do this another way. Maybe one that doesn’t require rolling on broken glass or literally lighting each other on fire?
Oct
25
I’m the Adult in This Horror Movie and You Kids Better Not Be Doing Anything Supernatural in There
You’re young, your hormones are raging. All you want to do is figure out what the shadowy figure following you through mirrors is saying.
Oct
24
Seven Things That Seem Spooky but Are Completely Normal Parts of Staying at a Cabin in Fall
Don’t worry about the old-timer who whispers “Beware the woods at night!” to you—it’s just his way of welcoming you!
Oct
23
You Ain’t from ‘Round These Parts, Are You? Best Subscribe to My Newsletter, Pard
I’ll tell you this about Carson City, pard: if’n you wanna survive on these wild plains, best thing you can do is subscribe to my newsletter.
Oct
21
If Henry David Thoreau Had a Goofy Sidekick at Walden Pond
"Dude, I heard you were doing the transcendental thing so I brought you a six pack and a slew of magazines of an... Umm... Delicate nature!"
Oct
20
As a Medieval Monk, I Am Tired of Being Asked to Investigate a Series of Murders
Some of us are in it for the monk-ing and not the "reluctantly helping to investigate a crime despite the suspicion it draws upon themselves"-ing.
Oct
19
Vows from the Woman Who Hates Her Future Husband
You’ve seen the lows; the fighting, the occasional breakups, and the time Jeff left me at Six Flags and the park closed while I was still inside.
Oct
18
I’m 90% Sure the Blood Bank’s New Email Marketer Is Dracula
FALL Under The Spell Of The New York Blood Center’s Impending Autumn Drive. Ah-Ah-AH!
Oct
18
I Know This Amazing Bar
Like all bars with inscrutable locations, it’s a speakeasy. A “secret” bar. But it’s a secret the way it’s “a secret” your aunt got a facelift in 2015.
Oct
17
FAQ for Travelers Planning to Visit Heaven
Heaven has several noteworthy attractions. It boasts a decent choir, if you enjoy liturgical music. The library has a good book.
Oct
16
“Friends” Episode or Me Ordering a Shitty Microbrew I Can’t Remember the Name of by Describing the Stupid Label?
How you doin' (on this quiz)? Remember “The One with the Cake” and “The One with the Baby on the Bus”?
Oct
16
I’m the Man Who Gets Paid to Say “Tut Tut” Every Time You Think About Sex
Depending on how gross the thought is, I’ll either do a full “tut tut” or just a simple tongue cluck. It’s an art, really.
Oct
14
At Our Montessori School, We Offer Drug Culture Without the Drugs
By the time your child is in elementary school, they’ll be able to replace your basement door with a beaded curtain adorned with Grateful Dead skulls.
Oct
13
Easy Answers to Common Job Interview Questions for Anyone Who Was Saved by a Swamp Creature When They Were Nine
In five years I hope I can stop dwelling on the time when I was sucked into the thick swamp ooze only to be rescued by a creature of the night.
Oct
12
This Country Music Star Is Not Apologizing for Stealing Your Lunch from the Office Fridge
Trent Dribbly is a gale-force wind of fresh air with his unapologetic attitude about stealing leftover food from coworkers.
Oct
11
Ants in My Pants, and Other Animal Conundrums
I have a bug in my mug. I have electric eels in my high heels. I have a giraffe in my carafe.
Oct
11
Dear Landlord: When It’s Actually Acceptable to Increase Rent
You looked through my mail and saw my meager wages. Appalled, you negotiated on my behalf, raising my salary commensurate with the rent raise.
Oct
10
Emergency Public Services, Now with Corporate Sponsorship
Pop open a bottle today. It’s guaranteed to take your mind off the waterspout that’s currently ripping the roof off your neighbor’s house.
Oct
9
An Open Letter to Yo Momma: I’m Sorry
Looking back, I can see it was I, not yo momma, who is so dumb that I stood on a chair to raise my IQ.
Oct
7
Feast Finder: The New and Improved Way to Order Food!
Wow, Pete! You ordered a lot of food. Did you skip lunch again?
Oct
6
A Day in the Life of a Viking Kindergarten Teacher
The more advanced students write basic sentences in their workbooks: “The—dog—says—woof” and “The—villager—screams—aarrrrrgggghhh!”
Oct
5
A Northern Writer Writes a Southern Story
Pa was hard at work at his moonshine-still turning cotton into cotton gin. Grandpa was reading the paper. The paper was also Southern.
Oct
4
Other Pluralizations for Fans of “Attorneys General”
You're going to love taking phrases like "rodeos clown" and "bottlenoses dolphin" out for a spin!
Oct
4
I Am Thrilled to Be the Mafia’s New Fall Guy
I mean, who wouldn’t want to be in charge of spreading a bit of autumnal spirit throughout the organization?
Oct
3
Teens Need to Put Down Their Phones and Get Hunted by Me, a Masked Killer
I appreciate the new possibilities social media has created, but I worry about what they’re missing out on.
Oct
2
Weekly To-Don’t List
Monday: Put on the same underwear you wore yesterday. Mistake a wolf for your grandma.
Oct
2
Imagined Diary of Woman Who Can Pull Off a Loose Braid
5:00 AM: After taking a deep mindful breath, I stroll outside to my gorgeous backyard and teach my daily Pilates class to the woodland creatures.
Sep
30
Wirecutter Reviews: the Circles of Hell
Providing difficult choices among terrible options is—like with cable TV—in keeping with Hell’s overall philosophy of customer dissatisfaction.
Sep
29
Do I Know You From Somewhere?
Did we go to college together? No, I went to Penn State. High school? No, I’m from New York. Middle School? No, I never graduated.
Sep
28
FAQ for Amazon’s New “Steal It” Button
We at Amazon want to replicate every part of the brick-and-mortar experience, and that includes the sweet sweet thrill of shoplifting.
Sep
27
Reasons Why This Page Was Left Intentionally Blank
Moment of silence but for a page. Total accident and someone is definitely getting fired.
Sep
27
Maximize Anxiety While Prepping for Your Annual Physical
Google “What does sexually active mean?” Is it like you’re having sex right at that moment? In the past year? Ever?
Sep
26
At VERMO Liquid Ant Baits, We Don’t Sell Insecticide, We Sell Experiences
Because at VERMO Liquid Ant Baits, we don’t sell insecticide. We sell experiences.
Sep
25
Congratulations Patriot, You’ve Been Selected to Get Launched into Space
For safety, we’re tying you right to the tip of the rocket—far from the hot hot thrusters. You’ll also get plenty of SPF to protect you.
Sep
23
Congratulations, It Was All Worth It: You Were Hand-Selected to Apply for a Discover Miles Credit Card by God and His Angels
He got together with all the angels, Betty White, and your childhood dog, and they had a long hard think about how things are going down here.
Sep
22
Services I’m Offering as a Striking Writer
Providing an extra hand for “light as a feather stiff as a board” at your next sleepover / Watching your ex’s Instagram story and reporting on their whereabouts
Sep
22
Hey, I Was Out on a Run and Saw You Sitting Here at Brunch
I’m so jealous of guys like you who can just sit at a table like this for hours and hours without literally moving a muscle—must be nice.
Sep
21
Your Baby Shower Isn’t About Me—But It Should Be
We don't even know him, what if this kickass party goes to waste because your baby ends up being a loser or something?
Sep
20
Things I’d Rather Hear than the Constant Ringing in My Ears
My nephew crying because I “stole” one of “his” cheese curds that I bought / Scraping claws as a monster that has haunted me since birth moves closer
Sep
20
I Went to a Concert and Took a Bunch of Terrible Videos for Us to Watch Together Right Now
Just imagine the most unbelievable venue design I’ve ever seen is right behind his bald, moon-shaped head.
Sep
19
Wow, So All 30 of You Robbed a Nordstrom but None of You Texted Me?
You think you know a person and then they run off with 29 of your closest friends to do a smash-and-grab.
Sep
18
Why I, a Man, Did Not Actually Beat Serena Williams at Tennis
Was being a gentleman. Instead of keeping my eye on the ball, I was looking at a picture of big yacht.
Sep
18
Emily, This Is Your Bank That Cares: You’re Overdrawn, Sweetie
Uh oh, you're back into the ol' overdraft - just two minutes after being paid. Thoughts and, of course, prayers, Emily.
Sep
15
I Thought I Was Reporting a Simple Story About Pothole Repairs—I Couldn’t Believe I Was Right
If there wasn’t something more to it, I would be pretty bored and not have a good shot at turning it into a series of Pulitzer Prize-winning articles.
Sep
14
Help! I Wished for a Kitchen Island and Now I’m Stranded in the Atlantic
When I dared him to grant me one wish, I should have known that a quite expansive piece of sandy land would appear right where I was standing.
Sep
13
Better Responses to the Question “What Do You Do?” When You’re Unemployed
“Oh, I do a little of this, a little of that. Can I be more specific? Yes, but for the sake of my dignity, I’d rather not.”
Sep
13
Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twenty Times and That’s a Situation
Fool me three times, there’s a little bit of shame to go around here. Admittedly, maybe I should have caught on to your character by now.
Sep
12
RE: The Marriage Pact You Made in High School
Max acknowledges that you are now an out lesbian with a live-in girlfriend and three dogs so he has suggested the following addendums.
Sep
11
How to Get Over a Flop Ex-Boyfriend
Imagine him chasing after a ping pong ball. Imagine him eating a banana horizontally, à la corn on the cob.
Sep
11
For Our Wedding, Please Buy Us Useless Kitchen Shit Off Our Registry
When we envision our future together, we can’t see it unless the $175 egg separator we picked out in Crate & Barrel is there with us.
Sep
9
Beyoncé Concert Report from Someone Who Only Knows Her from “Austin Powers’ Goldmember”
The size of the crowd was shocking. I knew the Austin Powers trilogy was beloved but I never knew this many people particularly liked the third one.
Sep
8
Where to Direct Your HR Issues at Our HR-Less Company
Work Anniversaries: See your manager for a token of our appreciation—a homemade coupon for one (1) weak handshake.
Sep
7
Notable Events from NASA’s Early Space Program
1851: As railroads begin crisscrossing the nation, NASA constructs its own line of over 300 feet of railroad track going straight upward.
Sep
6
The Ultimate Personality Test: Are You Myers or Briggs from the Myers-Briggs Test?
Are you comfortable being the center of attention? Do you prefer working as part of a team, or by yourself?
Sep
6
Did You Write a Poem About Your Grandmother’s Comb? Open Calls from Rad Litmags That Want to Hear from You
SPLERT seeks original, unpublished work from poets who grew up in Potomac, Maryland but tell people they are from "Rockville."
Sep
5
Tenants Rights, According to Mice
Painting the unit is permitted, provided the tenants do so by stepping in jam and scurrying up the walls.
Sep
4
I’ve Got Good News and Bad News
The good news is I’m lying. It’s just good news. The bad news is I’m a compulsive liar so it’s all mostly bad news, unfortunately.
Sep
2
How to Judge a Book, If Not by Its Cover
Does the book have THE new book smell? Does it have THAT old book smell?
Sep
1
My Metamorphosis into a Monstrous Vermin Went Pretty Great, Actually
“I know you mean well, Dad,” my sister said. “But these days, it’s considered more polite to say ‘enormous insect’ rather than ‘monstrous vermin’.”
Aug
31
As a Video Game NPC, I Am Deeply Concerned About AI
Who’ll want to chat with poor old Yarvik about annual rainfall when they can discuss philosophy of mind or Baroque art?
Aug
30
Awkward Hookup or Assembling an IKEA Dresser?
Every position you try is somehow the wrong one. / Things that should be lubricated are decidedly not, and vice versa.
Aug
29
Great Deal Alert: You Can Have Money If You Debase Yourself
Want to boost your buying power? There’s a simple strategy you may have overlooked: lowering yourself in esteem, quality, or character to get money.
Aug
28
Shackleton Journal Entry or Me Experiencing Heatstroke on the Picket Line?
”Our food lies ahead and death stalks us from behind.” / “Free ice cream is the coal and I am the Choo-Choo.”
Aug
28
I Took 2,365,912 Selfies This Year, Making Me the Most Photographed Person in the World
I’ve had to take about 6,482 photos of myself every day. I have maxed out 14 used iPhone storage capacities and countless SD cards.
Aug
26
Your Overprotective Dog’s Dispatches from the Front Lines
I was wary of Jamie moving into our base, because I gathered credible olfactory intelligence that they associate with cats.
Aug
25
What I Think It Would Be Like to Be Athletic
I'm an athletic person so the sweatband is useful and does not look like the beginnings of a goofy '80s Halloween costume.
Aug
24
Guestbook Entries from a Hotel That Definitely Has a Man in the Walls
Nice place. Lovely sheets. Good shampoo. Someone kissed me in the middle of the night.
Aug
23
Everything I Googled Post Student Loan Debt Panic
“Modern-day Robin Hood example” “Modern-day Robin Hood not in jail” “How to sell eggs?”
Aug
23
Ruling of Judge Mom, in the Superior Court of Target, on Motion for LOL Surprise O.M.G. Doll
As a point of procedure, motions for new toys normally require a one-week notice period. See Maddy v. Mom (Safeway, 2021).
Aug
22
I’m Your Yoga Instructor and I’m Hitting on Some Weirdly Specific Things About You During This Class
Resist the urge to open your eyes and do a quick scan of the room, evaluating people’s yoga wear.
Aug
21
Prepare for Your Mouth’s Ecosystem to Be Decimated by Our Daring New Doritos Flavors
Everyone’s favorite sauce now in chip form! Hot Hot Hollandaise has a triple dose of cayenne for a thoroughly throat-scorching encounter.
Aug
19
An Open Letter to the Receipt I Just Got at CVS That Is Inexplicably the Length of a Goddamn Jump Rope
Would you like your receipt via text, email, or Gordian Knot full of surveys and "Extrabucks" offers you can’t throw away fast enough?
Aug
18
10 Ways Creating a Numbered List Will Help You Feel like You Can Bring Meaning and Organization to This Chaotic, Random World
2. It’s predictable. Wow, 2 came after 1. Just like you expected. It’s dangerous to take anything for granted these days, but that felt pretty good.
Aug
17
So You’re Bored Enough to Read the Back of the Package
We want to extend our deepest gratitude to you for believing in our potato chips. Those other people who didn’t buy our chips can go right to hell.
Aug
16
Google Maps Reviews of the Prickleback Nuclear Testing Facility in Sopps-Daisy, Tennessee
Marie__LocalHairgirl9: A huge part of my childhood. I skinny dipped in the reactor pool as a teen and since then I’ve had a 60 foot vertical leap.
Aug
15
A Week of Announcements from the Town Crier Who Just Moved to Your Neighborhood
'Tis a noble tradition, even though I could just as easily say all this to that carrier pigeon X, formerly known as Twitter.
Aug
14
The Best Ways to Make Money in 2023 If You Are a Victorian Child Ghost
Commercialize your downtime! Not needing to sleep is a HUGE advantage for you.