Jan
24
I’ve Written the Best, or Quite Possibly the Worst, Novel Ever
It’s the very best thing I’ve ever written. Or, it’s the worst book ever typed into existence. Which one it is, I can’t say for sure.
Jan
23
It’s Me, Your Healing Crystal, May I Have a Word?
When you cupped me in your hands and held me up to the light, I thought, “Okay, geologist!” I was excited to go home with you.
Jan
22
Plans for the Jazz Party I’m Throwing My Five-Year-Old Son
Guests are forbidden from bringing presents. Jazz is a gift in itself.
Jan
20
Sit Back, Relax, and Enjoy the Flight in Between My Nonstop Announcements
6:45 AM: Wind speed in the air is currently ten miles per hour, which is something only relevant to me.
Jan
19
Click Here to Opt Out of Selling Your Data to the Hovering Orb
Allowing us to sell your data helps us serve you ads relevant to your interests. Also, the orb is ravenous.
Jan
18
Mount Sinai Hospital Labor and Delivery Unit Class of January ’24 Reunion
Yeah, Mama and I have been good. Just the daily grind, trying to bang out those milestones. You know how it is. Starting to roll over, yep.
Jan
17
Victorian-Era Erotica
Period pieces you may or may not have heard of, including Ringlets Weekly, Knees!, and Hats Off Magazine.
Jan
17
Our Committee Welcomes Fresh Ideas, as Long as They Don’t Conflict with Windowpane Smashing Festival
Holding a fair after the Windowpane Smashing Festival wouldn’t work either because, well, the windowpanes are all smashed, obviously.
Jan
16
An Internal Monologue as I Navigate My Office’s Open Floorplan
70 ft: Screw it, I’m just going to wave. Social norms be damned! 65 ft: Shit, he’s definitely not looking at me.
Jan
15
You Shouldn’t Have Messed with a Philosopher, and I’ll Prove It from First Principles
That’s right, I’d be afraid if I were you too. Afraid of having my actions held up to intellectually rigorous ethical scrutiny!
Jan
13
This Obituary Does Not Give a Cause of Death, but Wouldn’t You Love to Know
An avid motorcycle rider, Ben loved the freedom of the road. And before you jump to conclusions, no, that’s not how he died.
Jan
12
Letterboxd Reviews of “The Thing,” If the “Thing” Was the Dancing Old Man from the Six Flags Ad
★★ I’ve never seen a movie with so much dancing that’s not a musical. I’m so glad Six Flags isn’t a real place.
Jan
11
A Real New Yorker’s Guide to the Real New York, Really
First, don’t ever call it the Big Apple. That’s embarrassing. The locals call it Nork-Nork. As in, “Welcome to Nork-Nork, dumb-dumb!"
Jan
10
Your Mama Jokes from Guy Who Is Clearly in Love with Your Mom
Your mama’s so broke she doesn’t even make cents! Which is a shame because she’s worked hard for everything in this life.
Jan
9
A Customer Service Representative Goes on a Date
That’s great, Sylvia. I’ll just make a note of that for my records. Do you mind if I change the subject while we wait for our server to arrive?
Jan
8
What I Imagine Being a Writer Is Like, Based on Other Creative Fields
Thanks to the PTA and a few passionate teachers, an after-school grammar club is formed so kids like me have a safe place to diagram sentences.
Jan
6
Wedding Vows Written by the World’s Worst Podcaster
Kara, from today onward, you and I will be one in heart, body, and mind. Hey, can we curse on this thing?
Jan
5
Phishing Scams That Would Work On Me
YOU FORGOT MOM’S BIRTHDAY! IT’S TODAY! BUY HER A PRESENT HERE NOW!
Jan
4
My Resolution to Quit Eating Children Is Holding Up!
I know, it’s such a cliché: “This year, no more eating children! Not even the wicked ones!” But it makes sense.
Jan
3
Mood Lighting for Life’s Pivotal Moments
Faerie Lights: For when you’re watching "Garden State" with him for the first time.
Jan
2
I’m a Reality Show Contestant, and I Did Come Here to Make Friends
’m going to run, jump, and climb over anything that stands between me and other people thinking good thoughts about me.
Jan
1
Ok, Buddy, Now You’ve Really Gone and Done It
I don't want to be bad, but I will if I have to. Wait, scratch that. I actually LOVE being bad. And guess what? To me? Being bad feels GOOD.
Dec
30
Tips for Toddlers to Limit Parents’ Screen Time
Be More Interesting Than Whatever Is On Their Screens: You do have one huge advantage over their screens: a direct and genetic link to their vanity.
Dec
29
This Year I Finally Enter the Public Domain
What exciting interpretations will these visionaries have for my scoliosis, receding hairline, and fallen arches?
Dec
28
We’re Your Caramels from Three Christmases Ago, and It’s Very Unclear If We’re Still Good
We figured you just weren’t hungry or something, considering how often you used to snack on us.
Dec
27
Explaining the Reasons for the 1-Star (Out of 5 Stars) Rating I Gave a Book on Amazon
I flipped through it and noticed it had a lot of words, and some of them were long.
Dec
27
This Year Let’s Have a Nice, Relaxing, Low-Key New Year’s Eve Orgy
Just you, me, a $20 bottle of pinot noir, and 5-8 professional sex associates that we host for a no-holes-barred 12-hour touchfest.
Dec
26
My Son Is a Baby and He Looks Nothing like Me
Rodney is a baby and I am an adult man. We look nothing alike. For starters, look at how much smaller Rodney is than me.
Dec
25
I, Bagpipes, Am Also Confused as to Why I’m Part of This Christmas Parade
Listen, I appreciate being included in this Christmas parade but, frankly, I’m not sure why I’m here.
Dec
23
Nelson Family McRibmas Newsletter
Just goes to show you what 520 calories and 24 grams of protein per sandwich can do for your kids.
Dec
22
‘Twas the Flight Before Christmas
My seat had no window, I'd wasted my cash / on a seat in the middle by a guy with a rash
Dec
21
Forget Santa’s Lap, Here’s Where I’m Sitting This Christmas
There is no way ol' Kris Kringle is going to remember what I asked for… until now. This holiday season, he is going to remember my name.
Dec
20
Security Questions Updated for the Modern Age
Which of your family members is now a part of QAnon? What is your first guess on Wordle?
Dec
20
I’m Happy with Anything, as Long as It’s Cash
What do I want for Christmas? Just get me anything. Socks, sweaters, a crisp stack of twenties shoved inside a brown paper bag.
Dec
19
You Need to Stop Cockblocking Me, the Romantic Lead of This Hallmark Holiday Movie
I leaned in super slowly for a kiss when… her freaking precocious daughter popped in so that we could taste the cookies she made.
Dec
18
Tips for Enjoying Our Holiday Market While You Wait in Line to Get In
Wearing multiple warm layers will ensure that you don’t end up in the ER with hypothermia.
Dec
16
The Golden Ticket Survivors Support Group
For everyone telling me to get over it? Remember that I was juiced! As a child!
Dec
15
What Your Latte Milk Preference Says About You
Whole: Expect your life to be "Emily in Paris" but really it’s more like "Frances Ha"
Dec
14
Joseph and Mary Ask Jesus to Come Home for Hanukkah
Your father and I are trying to plan Hanukkah. Think you’ll be able to join us in Nazareth for the last night? You also have a birthday coming up.
Dec
13
Are You Taking a Family Photo or Undergoing a Colonoscopy?
- There’s no chance you’ll walk away with a flattering photo. - You don’t know what to do with your arms.
Dec
13
Our Farewell Tour Has Been Postponed
Sad news to report to Arrowhead fans: At a Cincinnati concert, bassist Valmer DeSota got his long hair stuck in the strings of his bass.
Dec
12
Camping: Just like Being at Home but Shittier
The water is so chalked full of minerals that no matter how hard I try, I cannot get the soap to lather. Just like the shower at home, but shittier.
Dec
11
Best of PIC 2023
Our top picks from 2023, featuring horny astronauts, long-winded toast recipe bloggers, and the tall guy blocking your view.
Dec
11
Are You Getting Enough Protein, Bro?
How many grams of protein do you consume each day? What do you mean you don’t know? Don’t you count your macros, bro?
Dec
9
Deciding Which of My 11,546 Photos to Delete
A Picture of the Loaf of Bread I Made Six Years Ago: My source of pride.
Dec
8
Join Me on a Doctor Crawl for My 26th Birthday
Join me on an epic day of going to all the doctors I’ve been avoiding since I was a teen and will no longer have access to!
Dec
7
As the Man Who Cooked This Hanukkah Dinner, I’m Best Suited to Deal with This Salmonella Outbreak
A brief mea culpa from me: as the lone cook of this dinner, I cannot help but feel that I have to bear at least some responsibility for this.
Dec
6
Childhood Dreams, Revised for Adulthood
Childhood Dream: Live in a mansion. Adult Revision: Live next door to someone who doesn’t own a leaf blower.
Dec
6
Please Listen Carefully as Our Menu Options Have Changed, and Also I Have This New Screenplay Idea
For new patients, let me tell you about the opening scene. We fade in on a beach, sand caked with blood being washed away by the waves!
Dec
5
My Life Is in Shambles but at Least I’m the Star of Four Different Reality Shows
The filming schedules for the shows overlap so that I always have at least two competing crews filming me at once and oftentimes, all four.
Dec
4
Reasons I Will Not Be Posting My Spotify Wrapped That Emphatically Have Nothing to Do with How Humiliating My Results Are
A lot of the information Spotify gives you doesn’t seem that interesting anyway. I don’t even think “Toxic Positivity Delusioncore” is a real genre.
Dec
2
To Whomever Stole My 2007 Volvo XC70: You Have Made a Terrible Mistake
Consider that if you had stolen a different car (like my neighbor’s Prius, as an arbitrary example) and left mine unharmed.
Dec
1
Jesus Christ Struggles with His Imposter Syndrome
“Love one another,” commanded Jesus Christ, continuing, “Does that make any sense? I feel like I’m not making sense. Sorry.”
Nov
30
This Year at COP28, We’re Just Reading Our Fern Gully Smut
Instead of practical commitments, we’ve asked them to show up with the filthiest, horniest fanfic about an environmentalist allegory ever.
Nov
29
Real Amazon Reviews for Decorative Fall Leaf Garland, or Family Gossip About My Bold New Hairstyle?
Doesn’t fall correctly… I don’t know what the ideal shape would be, but this wasn’t it.
Nov
29
Welcome to My Sex Dungeon, Where Anything Up To and Including a Handjob Goes
If there’s a place to get a cheaper, more unpleasant handjob, I’ve probably put them out of business.
Nov
28
Cannabis Is Medicine, Mom—Period
I think you should ask your doctor about how your lower GI issues could be alleviated with a daily regimen of Green Crack.
Nov
27
A Video Game Tutorial for Your Cheap New Apartment
Welcome to Your Cheap New Apartment! Your main quest is to violate your lease without getting caught.
Nov
25
iPhone Screen Time Reports I Actually Need
You scrolled your own Instagram profile for 3 hours last week. You will never get that time back.
Nov
24
More Common Cowboy Problems
“I reckon this town ain’t big enough for The Both of Us, my start-up concept for a novelty cowboy singles bar.”
Nov
23
I Appoint You, Nephew Bryce, as Successor in Our Family’s Line of Crazy Uncles
This family has a rich history of Crazy Uncles ruining Thanksgiving. A tradition that you are now responsible for.
Nov
22
I’m a Gourmet Pepper Mill Who Doesn’t Belong at This Thanksgiving Dinner
What’s that they’re talking about now? "Where’s Aunt June’s fun dip?” The fuck is fun dip? Christ in heaven, this is Thanksgiving!
Nov
21
The Only Thanksgiving Topic We Can’t Discuss: The Cornucopia Grapes
Nothing good will come from yelling about whether there’s a glue spot on the plastic pear that indicates where a neighboring bunch of muscats should be adhered.
Nov
20
In Defense of Drinking Gravy
Thanksgiving is one of the few days that I can gather with my family, eat a huge plate of delicious food, and pound back six or seven glasses of gravy.
Nov
17
Help! I’m Trapped Inside the Sunday Football Commercial Break
I walk out into my backyard party—it’s always a party in my backyard. I smile and clink glasses with a man who could be my neighbor, but is he?
Nov
16
Look, We Need to Extend Your Appointment Window Again
FastFix here. Hard to articulate... but there’s something about 5:00 that feels more rounded out than 4:30, don’t you think?
Nov
15
Six Seduction Tips So Saucy They’ll Convince Your Husband to Murder the King of Scotland
Consider swinging with a witch: The best way to do this is by mentioning that you saw them from across the bog, and you really dig their vibe.
Nov
14
Technical FAQ About Your New Hourglass
Q: Do I need to time the hourglass? A: No. That would be redundant.
Nov
13
What I Learned on My Mushroom Retreat for Entrepreneurs
The revelations about the human condition you experience after consuming hallucinogenic mushrooms make it much easier to come up with future Fortune 500 companies.
Nov
11
Baby Gifts I Registered For vs. Gifts My Baby Actually Wanted
Registered: A brand new crib with a breathable, hypoallergenic mattress / My Baby Wanted: Our dog’s bed, full of dog hair and slobbery toys
Nov
10
Uncle Steve’s Offensive Driving Course for Young Drivers: A Syllabus
Course Materials/Payment: Double Baconator with large fry OR Pack of cigs (Camel preferred) OR 6-pack of Miller Lite
Nov
9
I’m Only on This Dating App Ironically, Unless You’re Interested in Falling in Love or Something
My being here is simply for the lulz and has nothing to do with my ex posting a vacation album with her new boyfriend on social media.
Nov
8
What You (a Humble, Highly-Skilled Nepalese Sherpa) Can Learn from Me (a Rich, Inexperienced Western Thrill-Seeker) About Climbing Mount Everest
You raised some concerns that a lot of us have zero climbing experience. Just so you know, I watched a bunch of climbing videos.
Nov
7
How I Imagined Life with a Puppy, Before I Got a Puppy
When my girlfriend walks away, she doesn’t follow her. She stays with me because I’m nurturing and friendly and like, super cool.
Nov
6
Team Building Activities HR Won’t Let Me Do for Some Reason
- DIY ax throwing in the parking lot - Fish microwaving contest - Egging Janet in HR’s car (for charity)
Nov
6
I’d Like to Have Kids, but I’m Not Sure It’s Ethical to Bring Children into a World Where Their Dad Would Be Me
I just don’t think I can morally justify knowingly bringing children into a world where their dad would be me.
Nov
4
This Halftime Locker Room Speech Seems as Good a Time as Any to Confess to My Killing Spree
If we look back to the mistakes, the failures, the death mask grimaces of the asphyxiated faces we’ve left behind, then we’ll never move on.
Nov
3
It Helps to Think of Europe as a Powder Keg, a Thing We Can All Picture
Are you picturing the powder keg? Think back to the last time you went out to sea and needed to bring a large amount of gunpowder.
Nov
2
Excerpts from Rod Serling’s Rejected Show “The Prank Zone”
You are about to enter another world. It is a world not of matter, but of hilarious practical jokes. It’s a place we like to call… The Prank Zone.
Nov
1
The Ultimate Best Toastiest Toast Recipe of ALL Time, Seriously, by à la Katie
You came here to read a Les Mis-length exposition on a one-step recipe from an expert in rural boho chic.
Oct
31
Back, Demon! Your Name Gives Me Dominion Over You– Uh, As Soon As I Remember It
I have discovered that which can destroy you! Your name, demon! And I know your name… uh… man.
Oct
30
Are You Starring in a Horror Movie or Sharing a House with Small Children?
Someone or something begins to rattle the door back and forth as if trying to force it open. Suddenly, it stops.
Oct
30
This Year’s Candy Will Be Earned Through Trust-Building Exercises
Imagine my horror as I watched Mario and Luigi stuff their pockets without a moment’s thought for their fellow trick-or-treater.
Oct
28
CliffsNotes: “2 Sound 2 Furious”
"2 Sound 2 Furious" follows the continued exploits of the Compson family as they compete in underground wagon races.
Oct
27
8-Year-Old Going Trick or Treating, or 28-Year-Old Looking for a Good Paying Job?
You’re ashamed to be wearing something from Goodwill while everyone you know is wearing something gifted to them by their rich parents.
Oct
27
Essential Questions to Ask Your Exorcist
"What’s your schedule?" Exorcism is a nonstop, 24/6 career and the Devil loves dropping in unannounced, so you’ll want your exorcist on-call.
Oct
26
You Know Something, Brother?! I Think We Can Settle This Another Way
I was wondering if we could do this another way. Maybe one that doesn’t require rolling on broken glass or literally lighting each other on fire?
Oct
25
I’m the Adult in This Horror Movie and You Kids Better Not Be Doing Anything Supernatural in There
You’re young, your hormones are raging. All you want to do is figure out what the shadowy figure following you through mirrors is saying.
Oct
24
Seven Things That Seem Spooky but Are Completely Normal Parts of Staying at a Cabin in Fall
Don’t worry about the old-timer who whispers “Beware the woods at night!” to you—it’s just his way of welcoming you!
Oct
23
You Ain’t from ‘Round These Parts, Are You? Best Subscribe to My Newsletter, Pard
I’ll tell you this about Carson City, pard: if’n you wanna survive on these wild plains, best thing you can do is subscribe to my newsletter.
Oct
21
If Henry David Thoreau Had a Goofy Sidekick at Walden Pond
"Dude, I heard you were doing the transcendental thing so I brought you a six pack and a slew of magazines of an... Umm... Delicate nature!"
Oct
20
As a Medieval Monk, I Am Tired of Being Asked to Investigate a Series of Murders
Some of us are in it for the monk-ing and not the "reluctantly helping to investigate a crime despite the suspicion it draws upon themselves"-ing.
Oct
19
Vows from the Woman Who Hates Her Future Husband
You’ve seen the lows; the fighting, the occasional breakups, and the time Jeff left me at Six Flags and the park closed while I was still inside.
Oct
18
I’m 90% Sure the Blood Bank’s New Email Marketer Is Dracula
FALL Under The Spell Of The New York Blood Center’s Impending Autumn Drive. Ah-Ah-AH!
Oct
18
I Know This Amazing Bar
Like all bars with inscrutable locations, it’s a speakeasy. A “secret” bar. But it’s a secret the way it’s “a secret” your aunt got a facelift in 2015.
Oct
17
FAQ for Travelers Planning to Visit Heaven
Heaven has several noteworthy attractions. It boasts a decent choir, if you enjoy liturgical music. The library has a good book.
Oct
16
“Friends” Episode or Me Ordering a Shitty Microbrew I Can’t Remember the Name of by Describing the Stupid Label?
How you doin' (on this quiz)? Remember “The One with the Cake” and “The One with the Baby on the Bus”?
Oct
16
I’m the Man Who Gets Paid to Say “Tut Tut” Every Time You Think About Sex
Depending on how gross the thought is, I’ll either do a full “tut tut” or just a simple tongue cluck. It’s an art, really.
Oct
14
At Our Montessori School, We Offer Drug Culture Without the Drugs
By the time your child is in elementary school, they’ll be able to replace your basement door with a beaded curtain adorned with Grateful Dead skulls.
Oct
13
Easy Answers to Common Job Interview Questions for Anyone Who Was Saved by a Swamp Creature When They Were Nine
In five years I hope I can stop dwelling on the time when I was sucked into the thick swamp ooze only to be rescued by a creature of the night.