They say there’s no place for women in politics. I strongly disagree, and I intend to make it everyone’s problem for the next five acts or so. But how can ladies of noble breeding such as us become more politically involved, you ask? I wondered that myself, until I brilliantly schemed up these six steamy strategies.
Give these ideas a try the next time you feel your husband isn’t living up to his fullest potential. Your partner will become motivated to usurp Duncan I of Scotland’s throne in no time!
- Consider swinging with a witch: If your husband consents, go to your local cursed wetland and ask any witches you come across if they’re interested. The best way to do this is by mentioning that you saw them from across the bog, and you really dig their vibe. But what if you can only find a trio of witches that insist on being a package deal? Fear not: if they’re alright with it, you can pretend they’re one person by simply stacking them on top of each other and hiding them in a large cloak.
- Predict a cryptic prophecy: When it comes to intimacy, good communication is vital. Which is why it’s important to let your man know what you want, and exactly how you’d like it to happen. Why not spice things up further by adding vivid, chilling predictions of the future while you’re at it? Prophesying is most effectively done while chanting over a bubbling cauldron, so don’t be afraid to ask those witches for help with this if they choose to stick around after.
- Prepare a romantic dinner: They say the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Have the cooks prepare a sensuous banquet spread so you can feast lavishly with your partner. Enjoy a glass or two of wine together, as it is a great way to lower inhibitions and unwind. If his inhibitions become lowered so much that he starts yelling at ghosts again, don’t worry about it. He’s probably fine.
- Make a list of potential people to frame: Think of this as a fun bonding exercise to strengthen the intimacy and trust between you and your partner. As a silly jest, ask him to create a list of people he would consider framing for a hypothetical murder. Make your own separate list as well. When you’re both finished, read them aloud together to see how they compare!
- Perform a soliloquy: You can always count on role-play to spice things up. Try performing a lengthy, dramatic Shakespearean monologue. Or if you prefer The Bard’s comedies, be sure to dress up in drag as a jaunty little lad. Don a pair of saucy breeches and a ruff to complete the look. Make sure to roll your “r”s as excessively as possible if you really want to drive him wild with desire. This is practically guaranteed to make his heart race in iambic pentameter.
- Bathe together: Take a steamy moment to relax and warm things up with your partner by having the servants draw a bath. An added plus is that you can also attempt to wash those pesky symbolic bloodstains off your hands at the same time. This way, you can kill two of the king’s natural successors—or birds, I meant to say birds—with one stone.
If you follow these six simple tips, I guarantee you both will go mad. With desire? I suppose one could say that, sure.
So go on and light some candles, and have your gentlewoman lay out your most scandalous, ankle-length chemise: it’s time to seize Scotland and ascend the throne.