When Bethany came back to little old Santatown from the Big City for the holidays, I was apprehensive at first. We had been competitive all throughout grade school and she was a nightmare to be around. We spent all of our time competing over things like debate captain or class president. So you can imagine how grumpy I was when she got a DUI and vehicularly manslaughtered someone and the judge ordered her to volunteer for the big show in town to teach her a lesson about Christmas. The thing is that I always put on the big show, so we were going to have to work closely together for a few weeks.

At first, she was a real pill and made me wish I had been hit by her Hyundai Elantra. But as we spent more and more time together I learned that her husband had died in a Christmas accident and that really got me going. You see, my wife had also died in a Christmas accident, and being understood like that gave me the total hots for her. I wasn’t sure if she was into me, but then she told me I deserved to be happy again and gave me those eyes. I leaned in super slowly for a kiss when…

Her freaking precocious daughter popped in so that we could taste the cookies she made with her newly found grandma who may or may not be Mrs. Clause. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’ll probably adopt the little turd but not before her mother and I get some sexy alone time. Is it really that hard for an 11-year-old to read the room? There was D’Angelo playing in the background. Putting D’Angelo on is the musical equivalent of a sock on the door, yet here she was barging in.

But it’s her kid or whatever so I ate the damn cookies and hoped I would get another opportunity.

I found it when Bethany was putting a star on the Christmas tree. As she was stretching to reach the top, I saw a little sliver of her stomach and thought to myself “nice.” I wasn’t going to do anything about it until she fell off the ladder and I had to catch her in my big strong arms. It’s really attractive to me when women are clumsy like my dead wife (she tripped and fell into a stampede of Santa’s reindeer) so I made some deep, sexy eye contact with her.

I was about to kiss her when my freaking stage manager Billy busted in and told us that the leads for the big show got food poisoning and won’t be able to perform. How did he even find out where I was? It’s like he knows I was about to smooch this absolute smokeshow of a widow and decided he couldn’t wait a second longer to give us the news.

I thought after Bethany and I filled in as the leads (Mother Mary and Wise Man 2) we would finally smooch. The leads always kiss in the big show, so even if it were fake, I would count it as a win.

But then her boss interrupted the whole freaking play right before we kissed. I mean who just barges into a play to deliver news to a lead actor? A cockblocker, that’s who. He tells her that her DUI and manslaughter charges were dropped and that she got the big promotion in The Even Bigger City and her first day of work is Christmas so she has to hop onto a flight. Like could you not wait 30 seconds to deliver that news?

She got all flustered and left, leaving my lips completely dry. I didn’t hear from her for a few days and I accepted that I had been visited by the ghost of Christmas disappointment, cockblock, and blue balls. I cut my losses and redownloaded Tinder, but then she showed back up! She told me that she chose me and in every universe she would kill one of Santa’s elves with her car because it brought her to me.

That emotional shit gets me so hot for her and we finally got to kiss.

Now I’m bringing her back to my house tonight to bake some cookies if you know what I mean and if anyone tries to throw me a surprise party, tells me about an issue or bond with me, I will hit you with our Hyundai Elantra.