Thank you for making a purchase on our e-commerce website! We hope you enjoy your package. You should receive an email shortly with a parcel tracking number and return instructions.

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Click here to opt out of us selling your data to the blinding-white orb hovering ominously over a remote Montana ranch.

More information

You’ve clicked on the “more information” link.

This legally mandated transparency landing page will tell you what we do with your data should you allow it to be accessed by the humming orb whose vibrations cause all nearby metals to suddenly demagnetize.

Allowing us to sell your data helps us serve you ads relevant to your interests, creating a more pleasant shopping experience for you. Also, the orb is ravenous. It feeds on your data and if it is not fed, it becomes angry. The orb rumbles. It grows larger and larger every day.

Some suspect the orb has been around since prehistory. Others theorize it was created in 2017 by a digital marketing firm in an experimental consumer research initiative gone horribly awry. We don’t know for sure and are under no legal obligation to find out.

Dogs refuse to go near the orb.

If you choose to opt out, we also cannot access your location, which we do in order to promote products that are popular with people in your area. This is what makes shopping with us feel like you’re at your local corner store. Of course, we can't know exactly why the orb wants your location but we know it craves it terribly. The orb’s temperament is that of a hungry child. The military once tried to fight the orb, but when their tanks got too close, they rose 100 feet in the air and disappeared. We suspect they’ve been sent to the past.

We know your data is important to you, and, unlike other companies, we don’t just sell it to the highest bidder—we sell it exclusively to the orb, who repays us only by not sending us to the past. We have no choice but to trust the orb. The orb is so cold it scalds. It does not appear in photographs.

Every time someone uses a VPN on our website, the orb roars, causing thousands of birds to fall to the Earth, dead, whereupon they resurrect and fly directly into the orb’s great and terrible hull.

It is theorized the orb causes El Niño.

You’ve selected “opt out.”

No problem on our end, but the orb will remember you’ve done this. And when it finds you, it will consume your data so thoroughly there will be no records of you ever having existed at all: not online, not in footprints, not in the memories of loved ones. The orb has the laugh of a human.

Your package should arrive in 3-4 business days. Thanks for shopping with us!