Mom, I know you were a bit of a square growing up and thought only burnouts smoked pot, but I see how you struggle with chronic pain, and I want you to seriously consider the relief that can come from a scientifically-measured dose of Cheetah Piss.

I know what you’re thinking. “Marijuana as medicine?” Well, it’s true. It works. It’s not just for recreation. It’s serious medicine for serious people. State after state is legalizing cannabis and for good reason. Lots of seniors like you are discovering the benefits of THC therapy and I think you should ask your doctor about how your lower GI issues could be alleviated with a daily regimen of Green Crack.

Western medicine is finally catching up to what nature has always provided us: A wholesome, non-toxic salve, grown naturally inside a hydroponic tent, packaged in a tie-dye Mylar bag emblazoned with a picture of a bloodshot SpongeBob knockoff and then sold covertly behind the counter of my local bodega in Queens under the brand name “Lynch Mob Scare Plants.”

Traditionally, doctors have relied on dangerous and addictive opiates to treat all categories of pain. While that might be fine for acute issues like post-surgical pain control, the real epidemic in America is chronic pain, like your fibromyalgia or dad’s sciatica. But we can finally combat these types of inflammatory diseases thanks to the neurobiological chemistry of medicines like Blueberry Space Cake and Gorilla Butter F2 #12.

How does it work? Simple. Marijuana is chock full of cannabinoids that interact with similar chemicals occurring naturally in your body to dull somatic nerve pain, whether you’re just sitting on your couch and watching John Wick until you pass out or if you’re sitting in your gaming chair playing NBA2K24 until you pass out. The point is, mom: Panama Red Death just might be the cure-all you’ve been looking for.

Shelly wanted me to tell you that when she started going through perimenopause a couple of years ago, she found so much relief in a regular, nightly dose of Slap ‘N Tickle (which is just a cross between Trainwreck and Kidney Stone OG Haze). For my own issues with mild OCD and anxiety, I find that 20mg of Extraterrestrial Bananas in the morning followed by another 20mg of Alaskan Thunder Fuck at night does the trick. And we’re normal people, mom! Not stoners!

I know you said you tried it a couple of times when you grew up and that it wasn’t for you. But back in your day, marijuana was just seeds and stems—totally uncontrolled product, differing so much in dose and potency that it’s understandable you’d underestimate the well-researched neuropathic pain relief of Bob Saget OG or the healing power of Unicorn Poop.

Listen, mom. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in seeking an alternative, thoroughly-researched path to wellness. It’s time to reverse the stigma of therapeutic cannabinoid treatment. There is finally a safe, non-addictive, medically-proven miracle drug for chronic pain sufferers like yourself. And it’s called Purple Monkey Balls.