If there’s one thing the Catholic Church excels at, it’s vetting its membership, and it’s on you to do the same when considering one of their exorcists. We’ve got questions to make sure the only thing hellish about the experience is the destination of any pesky demons.
Do you have a list of client referrals?
If you’ve never worked with an exorcist before, always ask for past clients who can vouch for them. “Oh Widow Barbero was possessed to the degree that her insides were now her outsides, and you saved her? What’s her number?”
What’s your schedule?
Exorcism is a nonstop, 24/6 career and the Devil loves dropping in unannounced, so you’ll want your exorcist on-call. And don’t feel bad! A great exorcist will want you to call at the first sign of possession.
What’s your vertical?
You’ve got a pickup league and Andy can’t rebound.
Will you subcontract this exorcism out?
In-demand exorcists have several extractions ongoing. They’ll be FaceTiming a possessed child while grappling with a spin bike and kicking an animated Frasier Crane Funko Pop—these are multi-taskers. At the same time, it’s perfectly normal for them to sub out an exorcism.
How will payment work?
Most exorcists accept Zelle (but avoid those asking for crypto).
How should I get in touch with you?
Batman had The Bat Symbol and while the idea of creating a “Basta!” Symbol for elderly Italian priests tempted you, most exorcists have iMessage. But if they say they can “exorcise on FaceTime?” That’s cost-cutting.
How long have you been an exorcist?
Sometimes you’ll need an old priest and a young priest (it’s the rare profession suffering from ageism). With modern skincare it’s getting tougher to determine that, so good to know which one they are.
What’s your wingspan?
You’re really worried about Andy's impact on the season and you need a center.
What exact services are covered?
They claim God is all around us, but so are hidden fees.
Do you have any issues with me recording the progress of the job?
Maybe you’re recording for safety, maybe the demon possessing you has a TikTok account they started when they unlocked your phone and you want to get them some content—either way, you’re communicating and that shows you can be a great client.
Speaking of communication, what languages can they speak?
Demons are a huge fan of the Duolingo owl’s guilt trips, and as a result are picking up multiple languages. They don’t know what “idi k vragu!” means? Time to brush up on their Croatian!
Do you bring a porta potty or do you expect to use my bathroom?
Are they focused on possessions, or poo sessions? You’re only paying for one!
What kind of insurance do you carry?
No exorcist goes into the situation with the intention of messing up, but the Widow Barbero claims she now “has to” dye her hair copper after her exorcism, so you just want to make sure they’re covered.
What would you prefer: an elephant-sized puppy, or a puppy-sized elephant?
This is a Hinge question you ran into and you’re just curious about the right answer?
It’s gotta be puppy-sized elephant, right?
Right because the “elephant-sized puppy” is a Clifford scenario, and you’d be paying–
You’d be paying for like a second mortgage with his doghouse.
Yeah and mortgage rates are at their highest point in like–
Latest data says they’re the highest in nearly 23 years, yeah… Yeah, it’s bad. Okay, how soon can they start?
It’s day two of hosting your father-in-law so he and Evelyn can “figure out who we’ve become” and “explore 21st-century relationships”—he’s speaking in tongues, so the faster they can start, the better!
Purely optional: would they be open to playing power forward?
Because Andy is 5’8″ and he could at least use support out there.