Whether you want the milk in your morning cup to come from nuts or nips, here are some safe assumptions about your past, present, and personality based on this preference.


  • Results of two recent blood tests indicated lactose intolerance, but you feel like you need a third opinion
  • Identify as one-quarter Italian because you studied abroad in Florence your junior year of college (happy belated 31st birthday, by the way)
  • Expect your life to be Emily in Paris but really it’s more like Frances Ha
  • Hands-down best wedding date. Like, you’re dancing with people’s dads, you’re doing Wild Turkey shots with Aunt Beth, you’re offering the flower girl her first Newport cigarette. Everyone loves you!
  • Got back with your ex last night but waiting to tell your friends until you know it’s “for realsies” (OK, that wasn’t fair. Sorry. It’s equally possible that you broke up with your ex last night but are waiting to tell your friends in case you get back together again)


  • Great relationship with your mom, i.e. regular phone calls, accept her as a deeply flawed human, flowers on Mother’s Day, etc.
  • Will win big at a craps table in Vegas your first time playing and then invest the winnings in a diverse portfolio that yields steady returns year over year. Your friends secretly wish for your downfall.
  • Didn’t vote in the primaries last year but lie and say you did whenever it comes up
  • Spotify Wrapped is mostly vapid pop hits
  • This coffee will make you extremely jittery but you panicked and had to order something so this Hinge date you’re here with doesn’t think you’re lame


  • Career over relationships (but already have your engagement ring picked out)
  • Punched someone at a bar in Philly once but had your record expunged, obviously
  • Once faked a limp to board an airplane in the first group to ensure that Delta wouldn’t gate-check your luggage once the overhead bins filled up (your Athletic Greens kit was in there!)
  • Not a smoker but ask to bum a cigarette at every social outing
  • It’s 7:47 AM and this is not your first coffee today, not even close

Almond (+$1.50)

  • Latest blog post title was something like “6 Easy Ways to Curate a Unique Instagram Aesthetic for Your Dog Amidst the Recession”
  • Started doing yoga before it was cool. Like, years before your first divorce even.
  • Made a vision board but the color scheme was off so you threw it in the dumpsters behind your apartment building and started applying to sales jobs on Indeed
  • Vegan but eat a chili dog from the cart on your street corner every time you have more than three drinks (two if we’re being honest)
  • Don’t know about oat milk yet

Oat (+$2)

  • Switched therapists three times (this year)
  • Do a ten-minute “abundance meditation” every morning but used to steal from Target in college
  • Forgot a sibling’s birthday this year but creatively played it off by DoorDashing them a king-sized KitKat at 11:58 PM that night
  • An embarrassing event from middle school still unreasonably haunts you, resulting in sporadic bouts of sleep-walking in which you fully dress yourself at 3 AM
  • Will throw away this iced latte halfway through because it tastes off

House-made Pistachio (+$4)

  • Lease a Tesla but last two rent payments were late
  • Writing a cookbook slash memoir slash crossword puzzle book, with original water-color illustrations (in this coffee shop right now)
  • Want to start volunteering but can’t find a cause that entirely aligns with your personal brand
  • Refuse to wear sunscreen first day of vacation in order to kickstart a “base tan” but end up getting lobster-burnt and holing up in the hotel room binging Selling Sunset for the remaining four days in Tulum
  • Forgot to bring a jacket to the coffee shop where there’s only outdoor seating available so you have to buy a $60 sweatshirt with your latte

Goat (minimum $25 donation to local dairy farm with purchase)

  • Already have explicit, detailed instructions written on how you want your loved ones to distribute your ashes when you die (the Niagara Falls bit is a tad ambitious, but hey, they’ll make a mini-vacay out of it!)
  • Left a ten-day silent meditation retreat on day three because you kept going too deep into trance and communicating with too many spirits, which you felt like was sort of cheating
  • You love one of your kids more than the others but would never admit it (and no, it’s not just because they look the most like you!)
  • Always return shopping cart to designated area. Except that one time…
  • Once took a dead owl you found on your nature walk in order to repurpose its feathers for sage burning ceremonies, which is technically, yep, a full violation of federal law