Hey there, fellow singles! After much consideration, I’ve decided to re-download this dating app again to see what’s been going on since I last left about two weeks ago. But don’t get your hopes up, prospective matches. As it clearly states in my bio, I’m exclusively here ironically. Just looking to get some kicks out of this, unless of course, you want to run off together and fall deeply in love if that’s what you're into.

I’m not here to date. Ew! Who even uses dating apps for that anymore? I’m just on here because I thought it would be such a funny bit if I used a dating app in 2023, not because I secretly believe my one true soulmate in the world is just a few swipes away underneath the sexbots and Instagram models. That would be pathetic.

But if you are my soulmate, let’s get together and banter about how stupid this app is over an intimate candlelight dinner by this lovely French bistro I know by the oceanside.

My being here is simply for the lulz and has nothing to do with my ex posting a vacation album with her new boyfriend on social media. All I’m here to do is laugh at people’s sad, desperate profiles and check every ten minutes to see if that cute redhead responded to my witty compliment. That’s it.

I didn’t come on this dating platform looking for a life partner like some sort of weirdo. But if you are looking for a life partner and think that this handsome fella fits the criteria, slide in my DMs.

Or don’t. I don’t care.

I’m 27, so I’ve definitely outgrown these silly little superficial apps. I’m more interested in seeing who swipes right on me, which, by the way, it’s been two hours and I definitely should be getting more matches now. Not that it matters. I’m not even using this app that seriously. I’m basically swiping right on pretty much everyone who is between 24 and 32, liberal, drinks socially, doesn’t smoke, hot, likes It’s Always Sunny, doesn’t have kids, and looks like my ex.

Look, I get it. Some people are still under this grand delusion that they’re going to find the person of their dreams here, but not me! I’m just bored and seeing if anyone has any funny memes to share, or if they want to fly off to Europe on a whim in a romantic escape from our hectic, unfulfilling lives before we sell all of our belongings and move off the grid together to the mountains where we’ll tend to our humble farm and watch the sunset every day while we slowly grow old and eventually die in each other’s tender, loving arms. But really, I’m more here for the Spongebob memes, so send them my way!

Or you can send a handwritten letter professing your love for me to my address. Either works.

So I hope I made it perfectly clear that I’m not actually trying here because that would be so cringe. I’m probably going to delete this soon anyway and then download and make a profile on a different dating app, ironically, of course. After I hire a photographer first to take some better pictures of me that show my affectionate side.

But until then, I’m here if anyone wants to connect, shoot the shit, or slowly get lost in each other's eyes as the Universe around us dissolves and the pure essence of our souls intertwines.

I’m also down to just fuck too.