It’s that time of year again! Thank you all for joining me last year for my 25th Too Old to Bang Leo DiCaprio B-Day Movie Marathon. What a blast.
This year, I’ll be taking you all (who have Cigna Health Insurance) on an epic Doctor’s crawl. I’m talking the cardiologist, dentist, gynecologist, ophthalmologist, and then we’re going to end the night with some group therapy. So, join me on an epic day of going to all the doctors I’ve been avoiding since I was a teen and will no longer have access to once I turn the big two-six! Truly, what an honor to have you all by my side as I go to the doctor for the last time ever.
Oh, and it’s BYOMC (bring your own medical card) of course.
Please see the itinerary below:
8:00 A.M.: Blood tests that we fast for the night before. Who needs alcohol when you can feel loopy and dizzy all while figuring out whether or not you’re deficient in Vitamin D!
8:30 A.M.: Brunch at the Cafeteria at West General Hospital. Jello shots anyone?
9:30 A.M.: I’m taking you ladies to the best GYNO in town (also located at the West General Hospital). Spread your legs and get ready for the least uncomfortable, least intrusive, truly unoffensive pap of your life.
10:00 A.M.: Zoc Doc Roulette in the parking lot of West General Hospital. Loser has to see the lowest-rated doctor (who takes Cigna Health Insurance of course).
11:30 A.M.: We’ll go downtown to the cutest dentist's office in the area. They have the best menu of toothpaste flavors: mint, extra minty, berry, and bubble gum. Then we’ll chase our cleaning with complementary shots of mouthwash. No fluoride, that’s extra.
12:15 P.M.: Ophthalmologist time bitches! Time for some eye candy. We’re all going to do a vision test at the Eye Candy Vision Center and get those eye drops that make the world look blurry—who needs pricey cocktails when you can get off lidocaine and tetracaine?! Well, everyone but Sophie: you’re our designated driver. Sorry babe, but you’re the youngest, so you have plenty of time to get fucked up on some eye drops.
Everyone else—Leave your sunglasses at home! There’s no way we’re going to miss out on those free paper sunglasses. They’re surprisingly chic.
12:40 P.M.: At this point, we’ll probably get the munchies, so we’ll grab a bite at the cute vending machine in the lobby of Eye Candy Vision Center. Word around town is that you can shake the machine and sometimes get peanut M&Ms for free. (With the exception of anyone who needed a filling earlier).
2:00 P.M.: Now that our hearts will be racing from all the sugary, free peanut M&Ms we downed, we’re going to vibe out to the sound of our rapid heartbeats at the Cardiologist in the strip mall off Chestnut Ave. and hope the doc doesn’t discover any sort of concerning abnormalities that require a follow-up. LOL.
3:00 P.M.: Forget facials, instead we’re going to the dermatologist to get skin checks! I can’t think of a better way to mark this momentous occasion other than getting a lot of tiny chunks taken out of any part of my body that has a mole.
I fell down a deep rabbit hole last Tuesday about different skin cancers you don’t even know you have because it can be hard to differentiate between a cancerous and noncancerous mole. It’s a really sucky time to develop a fear of skin cancer gals, so I’m just gonna ask for them all to be yeeted off my body since I won’t be able to get regular check-ups anymore. Slay—cheated the system.
4:30 P.M.: On that note, I think it’s only natural we end the day on a Group Therapy session in the fancy part of town next door to that Tapas place we can’t afford. I’ve found us a five-star psychiatrist on Zoc Doc named Dr. Theresa Peters. Based on her reviews and immaculate Bob I think she’s going to work some magic. I get really good vibes from her.
I mean, I don’t want to get our hopes up, but I have total faith that Theresa can fix my recent Nosophobia and years’ worth of trauma in a single session. Plus, from the pics I saw on Google, her office had the best magazines by a mile.
Please R.S.V.P. no later than Wednesday, Dec. 2, so you can fill out all the pre-appointment paperwork.
Can’t wait to party with you all! It's going to be a wild one!
Hope to see you there,