Oct
12
This Country Music Star Is Not Apologizing for Stealing Your Lunch from the Office Fridge
Trent Dribbly is a gale-force wind of fresh air with his unapologetic attitude about stealing leftover food from coworkers.
Oct
11
Ants in My Pants, and Other Animal Conundrums
I have a bug in my mug. I have electric eels in my high heels. I have a giraffe in my carafe.
Oct
11
Dear Landlord: When It’s Actually Acceptable to Increase Rent
You looked through my mail and saw my meager wages. Appalled, you negotiated on my behalf, raising my salary commensurate with the rent raise.
Oct
10
Emergency Public Services, Now with Corporate Sponsorship
Pop open a bottle today. It’s guaranteed to take your mind off the waterspout that’s currently ripping the roof off your neighbor’s house.
Oct
9
An Open Letter to Yo Momma: I’m Sorry
Looking back, I can see it was I, not yo momma, who is so dumb that I stood on a chair to raise my IQ.
Oct
7
Feast Finder: The New and Improved Way to Order Food!
Wow, Pete! You ordered a lot of food. Did you skip lunch again?
Oct
6
A Day in the Life of a Viking Kindergarten Teacher
The more advanced students write basic sentences in their workbooks: “The—dog—says—woof” and “The—villager—screams—aarrrrrgggghhh!”
Oct
5
A Northern Writer Writes a Southern Story
Pa was hard at work at his moonshine-still turning cotton into cotton gin. Grandpa was reading the paper. The paper was also Southern.
Oct
4
Other Pluralizations for Fans of “Attorneys General”
You're going to love taking phrases like "rodeos clown" and "bottlenoses dolphin" out for a spin!
Oct
4
I Am Thrilled to Be the Mafia’s New Fall Guy
I mean, who wouldn’t want to be in charge of spreading a bit of autumnal spirit throughout the organization?
Oct
3
Teens Need to Put Down Their Phones and Get Hunted by Me, a Masked Killer
I appreciate the new possibilities social media has created, but I worry about what they’re missing out on.
Oct
2
Weekly To-Don’t List
Monday: Put on the same underwear you wore yesterday. Mistake a wolf for your grandma.
Oct
2
Imagined Diary of Woman Who Can Pull Off a Loose Braid
5:00 AM: After taking a deep mindful breath, I stroll outside to my gorgeous backyard and teach my daily Pilates class to the woodland creatures.
Sep
30
Wirecutter Reviews: the Circles of Hell
Providing difficult choices among terrible options is—like with cable TV—in keeping with Hell’s overall philosophy of customer dissatisfaction.
Sep
29
Do I Know You From Somewhere?
Did we go to college together? No, I went to Penn State. High school? No, I’m from New York. Middle School? No, I never graduated.
Sep
28
FAQ for Amazon’s New “Steal It” Button
We at Amazon want to replicate every part of the brick-and-mortar experience, and that includes the sweet sweet thrill of shoplifting.
Sep
27
Reasons Why This Page Was Left Intentionally Blank
Moment of silence but for a page. Total accident and someone is definitely getting fired.
Sep
27
Maximize Anxiety While Prepping for Your Annual Physical
Google “What does sexually active mean?” Is it like you’re having sex right at that moment? In the past year? Ever?
Sep
26
At VERMO Liquid Ant Baits, We Don’t Sell Insecticide, We Sell Experiences
Because at VERMO Liquid Ant Baits, we don’t sell insecticide. We sell experiences.
Sep
25
Congratulations Patriot, You’ve Been Selected to Get Launched into Space
For safety, we’re tying you right to the tip of the rocket—far from the hot hot thrusters. You’ll also get plenty of SPF to protect you.
Sep
23
Congratulations, It Was All Worth It: You Were Hand-Selected to Apply for a Discover Miles Credit Card by God and His Angels
He got together with all the angels, Betty White, and your childhood dog, and they had a long hard think about how things are going down here.
Sep
22
Services I’m Offering as a Striking Writer
Providing an extra hand for “light as a feather stiff as a board” at your next sleepover / Watching your ex’s Instagram story and reporting on their whereabouts
Sep
22
Hey, I Was Out on a Run and Saw You Sitting Here at Brunch
I’m so jealous of guys like you who can just sit at a table like this for hours and hours without literally moving a muscle—must be nice.
Sep
21
Your Baby Shower Isn’t About Me—But It Should Be
We don't even know him, what if this kickass party goes to waste because your baby ends up being a loser or something?
Sep
20
Things I’d Rather Hear than the Constant Ringing in My Ears
My nephew crying because I “stole” one of “his” cheese curds that I bought / Scraping claws as a monster that has haunted me since birth moves closer
Sep
20
I Went to a Concert and Took a Bunch of Terrible Videos for Us to Watch Together Right Now
Just imagine the most unbelievable venue design I’ve ever seen is right behind his bald, moon-shaped head.
Sep
19
Wow, So All 30 of You Robbed a Nordstrom but None of You Texted Me?
You think you know a person and then they run off with 29 of your closest friends to do a smash-and-grab.
Sep
18
Why I, a Man, Did Not Actually Beat Serena Williams at Tennis
Was being a gentleman. Instead of keeping my eye on the ball, I was looking at a picture of big yacht.
Sep
18
Emily, This Is Your Bank That Cares: You’re Overdrawn, Sweetie
Uh oh, you're back into the ol' overdraft - just two minutes after being paid. Thoughts and, of course, prayers, Emily.
Sep
15
I Thought I Was Reporting a Simple Story About Pothole Repairs—I Couldn’t Believe I Was Right
If there wasn’t something more to it, I would be pretty bored and not have a good shot at turning it into a series of Pulitzer Prize-winning articles.
Sep
14
Help! I Wished for a Kitchen Island and Now I’m Stranded in the Atlantic
When I dared him to grant me one wish, I should have known that a quite expansive piece of sandy land would appear right where I was standing.
Sep
13
Better Responses to the Question “What Do You Do?” When You’re Unemployed
“Oh, I do a little of this, a little of that. Can I be more specific? Yes, but for the sake of my dignity, I’d rather not.”
Sep
13
Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twenty Times and That’s a Situation
Fool me three times, there’s a little bit of shame to go around here. Admittedly, maybe I should have caught on to your character by now.
Sep
12
RE: The Marriage Pact You Made in High School
Max acknowledges that you are now an out lesbian with a live-in girlfriend and three dogs so he has suggested the following addendums.
Sep
11
How to Get Over a Flop Ex-Boyfriend
Imagine him chasing after a ping pong ball. Imagine him eating a banana horizontally, à la corn on the cob.
Sep
11
For Our Wedding, Please Buy Us Useless Kitchen Shit Off Our Registry
When we envision our future together, we can’t see it unless the $175 egg separator we picked out in Crate & Barrel is there with us.
Sep
9
Beyoncé Concert Report from Someone Who Only Knows Her from “Austin Powers’ Goldmember”
The size of the crowd was shocking. I knew the Austin Powers trilogy was beloved but I never knew this many people particularly liked the third one.
Sep
8
Where to Direct Your HR Issues at Our HR-Less Company
Work Anniversaries: See your manager for a token of our appreciation—a homemade coupon for one (1) weak handshake.
Sep
7
Notable Events from NASA’s Early Space Program
1851: As railroads begin crisscrossing the nation, NASA constructs its own line of over 300 feet of railroad track going straight upward.
Sep
6
The Ultimate Personality Test: Are You Myers or Briggs from the Myers-Briggs Test?
Are you comfortable being the center of attention? Do you prefer working as part of a team, or by yourself?
Sep
6
Did You Write a Poem About Your Grandmother’s Comb? Open Calls from Rad Litmags That Want to Hear from You
SPLERT seeks original, unpublished work from poets who grew up in Potomac, Maryland but tell people they are from "Rockville."
Sep
5
Tenants Rights, According to Mice
Painting the unit is permitted, provided the tenants do so by stepping in jam and scurrying up the walls.
Sep
4
I’ve Got Good News and Bad News
The good news is I’m lying. It’s just good news. The bad news is I’m a compulsive liar so it’s all mostly bad news, unfortunately.
Sep
2
How to Judge a Book, If Not by Its Cover
Does the book have THE new book smell? Does it have THAT old book smell?
Sep
1
My Metamorphosis into a Monstrous Vermin Went Pretty Great, Actually
“I know you mean well, Dad,” my sister said. “But these days, it’s considered more polite to say ‘enormous insect’ rather than ‘monstrous vermin’.”
Aug
31
As a Video Game NPC, I Am Deeply Concerned About AI
Who’ll want to chat with poor old Yarvik about annual rainfall when they can discuss philosophy of mind or Baroque art?
Aug
30
Awkward Hookup or Assembling an IKEA Dresser?
Every position you try is somehow the wrong one. / Things that should be lubricated are decidedly not, and vice versa.
Aug
29
Great Deal Alert: You Can Have Money If You Debase Yourself
Want to boost your buying power? There’s a simple strategy you may have overlooked: lowering yourself in esteem, quality, or character to get money.
Aug
28
Shackleton Journal Entry or Me Experiencing Heatstroke on the Picket Line?
”Our food lies ahead and death stalks us from behind.” / “Free ice cream is the coal and I am the Choo-Choo.”
Aug
28
I Took 2,365,912 Selfies This Year, Making Me the Most Photographed Person in the World
I’ve had to take about 6,482 photos of myself every day. I have maxed out 14 used iPhone storage capacities and countless SD cards.
Aug
26
Your Overprotective Dog’s Dispatches from the Front Lines
I was wary of Jamie moving into our base, because I gathered credible olfactory intelligence that they associate with cats.
Aug
25
What I Think It Would Be Like to Be Athletic
I'm an athletic person so the sweatband is useful and does not look like the beginnings of a goofy '80s Halloween costume.
Aug
24
Guestbook Entries from a Hotel That Definitely Has a Man in the Walls
Nice place. Lovely sheets. Good shampoo. Someone kissed me in the middle of the night.
Aug
23
Everything I Googled Post Student Loan Debt Panic
“Modern-day Robin Hood example” “Modern-day Robin Hood not in jail” “How to sell eggs?”
Aug
23
Ruling of Judge Mom, in the Superior Court of Target, on Motion for LOL Surprise O.M.G. Doll
As a point of procedure, motions for new toys normally require a one-week notice period. See Maddy v. Mom (Safeway, 2021).
Aug
22
I’m Your Yoga Instructor and I’m Hitting on Some Weirdly Specific Things About You During This Class
Resist the urge to open your eyes and do a quick scan of the room, evaluating people’s yoga wear.
Aug
21
Prepare for Your Mouth’s Ecosystem to Be Decimated by Our Daring New Doritos Flavors
Everyone’s favorite sauce now in chip form! Hot Hot Hollandaise has a triple dose of cayenne for a thoroughly throat-scorching encounter.
Aug
19
An Open Letter to the Receipt I Just Got at CVS That Is Inexplicably the Length of a Goddamn Jump Rope
Would you like your receipt via text, email, or Gordian Knot full of surveys and "Extrabucks" offers you can’t throw away fast enough?
Aug
18
10 Ways Creating a Numbered List Will Help You Feel like You Can Bring Meaning and Organization to This Chaotic, Random World
2. It’s predictable. Wow, 2 came after 1. Just like you expected. It’s dangerous to take anything for granted these days, but that felt pretty good.
Aug
17
So You’re Bored Enough to Read the Back of the Package
We want to extend our deepest gratitude to you for believing in our potato chips. Those other people who didn’t buy our chips can go right to hell.
Aug
16
Google Maps Reviews of the Prickleback Nuclear Testing Facility in Sopps-Daisy, Tennessee
Marie__LocalHairgirl9: A huge part of my childhood. I skinny dipped in the reactor pool as a teen and since then I’ve had a 60 foot vertical leap.
Aug
15
A Week of Announcements from the Town Crier Who Just Moved to Your Neighborhood
'Tis a noble tradition, even though I could just as easily say all this to that carrier pigeon X, formerly known as Twitter.
Aug
14
The Best Ways to Make Money in 2023 If You Are a Victorian Child Ghost
Commercialize your downtime! Not needing to sleep is a HUGE advantage for you.
Aug
12
A Statement from CamelX
Here at CamelX our motto has always been: "No one can believe stuff—unless you say it first.”
Aug
11
How to Stop Teenagers from Making Fun of You in Public
If they say something like, "Nice cowboy hat, asshole," pretend you didn’t hear—even though you're the only asshole wearing one.
Aug
10
Stop! Please Read These Very Specific Instructions Before Using Our Toilet!
Do not stay on the toilet for extended periods. By minute three or four you’re risking a nasty bite.
Aug
9
The Mafia Introduces Some New Project Management Platforms
You will now need to submit a request through a new app called “Ayyy” where you can send Lorenzo an “Oooo” request which will generate a ticket.
Aug
8
My Work Day, as Envisioned by the Billionaire CEO
Like our CEO wrote in his “Daily Wake-Up” email, all of our cubicles can be temples of productivity.
Aug
7
“Be Careful, the Plate Is Hot” and Other Honest Pointers from Your Server
"Be hip to the fact that your mains won’t be served at the same time. Of course, they could be, but they won’t be."
Aug
5
Would You Rather? Return to Office Edition
Would you rather spend 25% of your paycheck on Everlane’s "Sims 2 Fall/Winter ‘23 collection” or trompe l'oeil mascara onto your face with a free Zoom filter?
Aug
4
My High School Classmate Bought a House—It’s Haunted, but I’m Still Jealous
I think about the cold draft that likely billows through her hallways at night as I sit in this suffocating summer heat.
Aug
3
I’m Paul’s Bunion
When Paul cried as a child, and his tears created the Great Lakes, it was because of me, the bunion pressing in on his other toes.
Aug
2
Sometimes My Desert Island Lair Also Doubles as a Waterpark
What, you’re surprised? Remote lairs and underground redoubts do not pay for themselves.
Aug
1
Despite a Shockingly Low Number of Applicants, You Somehow Did Not Get This Residency
If there was ever a year for you to slip through and get this relatively prestigious residency, it would have been this one.
Jul
31
Final Bill for Those Concert Tickets You Ordered Online
Service Charge USD $1.60 x 3 | Service Fee USD $2.30 x 3 | Self Service Fee USD $3.90 | Order Manufacturing Fee USD $4.75
Jul
31
Survey: Did You Like Our Ad for Anti-Anxiety Medication?
Please describe how you felt after reading the disclaimer, “You’re right—you are getting these ads more often than anyone else. Everyone knows this and is talking about it.”
Jul
29
And Child Spake Unto Dad, “Let My People Go to the Park”
"Take thy breakfast and cast it before Dad, and it shall become a mess upon the floor.” And Child and Toddler did as the LORD commanded.
Jul
28
Now That Everyone Knows Aliens Exist, Can I Please Hang Out with You Guys after Work?
I offered to shapeshift so that I look exactly like Kevin or even just wear a baseball cap if it would be helpful.
Jul
27
An Honor to Be Nominated: Why I Must, Regrettfully, Refuse This Blunt
While on the outside I look like I spent a past life as a lava lamp, my insides are as square as an actuary’s lunch box.
Jul
26
What Your Beach Accessory Says About You
Beach tent: It took you two hours to get a tiny human here. You’ll be lucky if you stay 20 minutes.
Jul
26
I Want to Kill My Cell Phone
I want to feed my cell phone to an alligator without causing the alligator any digestive issues.
Jul
25
Welcome to the Stages of Grief Expansion Pack!
Podcasting: In your 2 AM hunt for distraction, you stumble on a fun fact. Did you know that platypuses are blue and green under ultraviolet light?
Jul
24
“Can’t We Just Like, Blow Up His House?” and Other Things You Apparently Can’t Say to a Friend Going Through a Breakup
"What gives? Let's get fro-yo and drop a piano on him Looney Tunes-style."
Jul
24
I’m Telling You This Is Not a Speakeasy, It’s a Laundromat
I understand that this neighborhood has changed in recent years, and to some, my frontage looks “ironically shambolic” or “intentionally distressed.”
Jul
22
Letter to My Wife After She Casually Told Me She Knew Someone Who Was Eaten by a Lion Ten Years into Our Relationship
I would think this would be first-three-date territory, even. Instead, you decided to mention it a decade into our relationship.
Jul
21
RE: Shelly’s House Is Opening Up: What You Need to Know
This newsletter is put together by VOLUNTEERS in Shelly's basement sewing room and it's hard for us to keep up with ALL OF YOUR MANY, MANY QUESTIONS!
Jul
20
Shit! I’m Getting Sued by Barenaked Ladies Again
Why do Barenaked Ladies’ experienced lawyers continue sending me documents entitled “SLIP AND FALL LAWSUIT, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOUR BAND”?
Jul
19
Donkey Kong Country Level or Episode of Chopped?
TV food challenge? Or problem for a big ape? Test your knowledge for Meatball Madness, Bumble B. Rumble, Clever Fever, and more.
Jul
19
I Used to Be on the Left; Then They Laughed at My Forbidden Experiments
People I trusted to think through issues started quoting slogans I didn’t understand. “The dead are better off remaining dead,” they would say.
Jul
18
My Cryptic Social Media Posts Will Alarm and Confuse You
“Everything must come to an end.” Did I just tell you I’m dying, or that I finished The Legend of Zelda?
Jul
17
I’d Like to Be Considered for the Role of James Bond
Instead of a 007 who is handsome, smooth, and combat-trained, what if we went with a 40-year-old guy who is allergic to bees.
Jul
15
Welcome to DIVERSIT-AI, the Artificial Intelligence Way to Approach Diversity
Feel free to experiment to make sure you have just the right amount of melanin to sell more popcorn or disrupt the humidifier market.
Jul
14
We Have Reached the Summit of Our 6-Mile Hike and Behold: Trees!
On this side, perhaps a breathtaking view of a rugged mountain range soaring up majestically in the distance? Nope, just trees.
Jul
13
Remembering Scrimby’s, the 90s’ Greatest Fast Food Chain
They found their secret sauce in nature, and they always said they would have to close up shop once the cave they mined it out of dried up.
Jul
12
A Typical Work Day or a King Dying Slowly on a TV Show?
Women are underrepresented / The news is not good
Jul
12
The Moments When I Realized My Dates Were a Bunch of Spiders in a Trench Coat
“I was intrigued by the mention of fly fishing on your profile. I like fly fishing too!” “Wow! Let me show you a picture of this fish I caught.” “Fish?”
Jul
11
Why I, a 1960s Business Man Having an Affair, Believe Everyone Needs to Return to Office
Millennials and Gen Z don’t understand how valuable a sense of camaraderie is, or how important mistress time is.
Jul
10
Art Projects on the Walls of My Child’s Daycare Which Have Made Me Suspect the Teachers May Be Experiencing Bouts of Existential Despair
Babies' forearm prints all turned into leeches crawling around a fetid pond.
Jul
10
Introducing Men 2, the Gender for Men
Finally. A gender for men. Man 2 isn’t your GRANDMOTHER’S GENDER. Or your grandfather’s, strictly speaking.
Jul
8
Come Die on My Boat
There’s also the excitement of trying not to throw up. If you have to vomit, there’s a whole ocean available.