Is there a tornado warning in your area? Are you taking shelter in a windowless bathroom, anxiously searching for weather updates on your phone? We know that in emergencies like this, you want help as quickly as possible.

And we promise, your browser will load the National Weather Service alerts in just a moment. All we ask for is a tiny smidgen of your precious time and phone battery power, so that we can show you a pop-up ad from our sponsors at Alpine Fizz, a premium brand of carbonated soft drinks.

We guarantee you’ll love the new Sour Lemon Twister from Alpine Fizz. This soda is a cyclone of citrus! A vortex of vibes! An absolute whirlwind of carbonated water and high-fructose corn syrup! Pop open a bottle today and chug this funnel of flavor. It’s guaranteed to take your mind off the waterspout that’s currently ripping the roof off your neighbor’s house.

Is someone at your dinner party choking? Are you frantically looking up a video on how to perform the Heimlich maneuver? Before we show you how to unclog your friend’s windpipe, please watch this thirty-second commercial for Alpine Buzz. It’s the Alpine Fizz you know and love, now with caffeine! The invigorating taste of Alpine Buzz will leave you gasping for more, kind of like your buddy over there…

Oh, did he just pass out from lack of oxygen, and now you need a different video showing how to do CPR? No problem! We’ll just switch the ad to one for Alpine Snooze, a line of anti-energy drinks to help you relax and unwind from all the Alpine Buzz you drank during the day. Great for people who are drifting off to sleep or who, like your dinner guest, are already unconscious.

911, what’s your emergency? You’re calling from your bedroom closet because burglars have broken into your apartment? We’re pleased to inform you that your county’s emergency response department has been privatized and purchased by The Alpine Brandzz Corporation. So in addition to police officers, we’ll be sending you a free sample of Alpine Juizz, the preferred sports drink of bodybuilders everywhere.

What’s that? The robbers are getting closer, and they have guns? Well, you’ll have some pretty big guns too, after a couple of Alpine Juizzes. Haha!

Seriously, though, our customers report a 50% increase in muscle mass after just two weeks of drinking Alpine Juizz. That’s because these beverages are packed with all the nutrients you need for bulking up those biceps, including whey protein, vitamin B12, and enough anabolic steroids to kill a horse. By the way, which flavor of Alpine Juizz would you like for your free sample?

Could you speak up, please? We can’t hear you over the sound of all those gunshots.

Have you been displaced from your home by a natural disaster, brought about by ever-worsening climate change that’s wreaking havoc across the planet? The Alpine Brandzz Corporation is proud to support humanitarian relief efforts. That’s why we’re unveiling new drinks designed especially for our climate refugee customer segment. For people who’ve been rendered homeless by wildfires, there’s Alpine Blaze, with its fiery habanero flavor and smoky aftertaste. For those whose oceanfront houses are now underwater due to rising sea levels, we have Alpine Cruise, a saltwater beverage with hints of flotsam, jetsam, and melted iceberg. Victims of desertification will enjoy Alpine Dunes, which is dehydrated water with a little pile of sand at the bottom of the bottle.

Are you boarding a spaceship for the newly-founded colony on Mars—now trademarked Alpine Marzz—due to Earth’s impending collision with a giant asteroid? It’s going to be a long journey, but Alpine Booze has just what you need to get the party started. Slip the surly bonds of Earth while sipping on one of our limited-edition beverages, such as the Cosmo(s), Moonshine, Inter-Stella Artois, or Marzz-tini. The flavors, like you and everyone else aboard this spaceship, are out of this world!

Have you just landed on Alpine Marzz? Are you wondering how you’ll survive on a planet that’s completely inhospitable to human life? Not to worry! The Alpine Brandzz Company has acquired a monopoly on trade activities in this new world. We are delighted to be your exclusive vendor for all basic necessities going forward, including air (Alpine Breezz), water (Alpine Drizz), and food (Alpine Cheezz Whizz).

All of these products can be purchased with Alpine Coinzz, a newly minted currency that can only be earned at jobs in the Alpine Minezz. Your sixteen-hour shift will be starting shortly, so please find your assigned Alpine Dormzz and get settled in quickly. We are so glad to welcome all of you new Alpine Pleebzz to the Alpine Univerzz!