• Your neighbor’s Oasis tribute band
  • My neighbors' attempts to have a baby
  • The heavy, wet breath of a beast that’s just out of sight
  • Britney Spears’ anthem of a generation, “Toxic”
  • My nephew crying because I “stole” one of “his” Culver’s cheese curds that I bought
  • Scraping claws on concrete as a monster that has haunted me since birth moves closer
  • My family saying they don’t know how I live in “a city like New York” and that I should just “move back home already!”
  • Dianne Feinstein explaining how she could have sworn the Senate floor was an AMC movie theater
  • The Twilight Bark from 101 Dalmations
  • Grindr notifications inviting me to a quaint, moonlit picnic, proving that romance isn’t dead
  • My own screams as I sprint through the woods under a full moon in an attempt to escape a colossus with too many limbs that has finally stopped toying with me after 30 years
  • Whispered prayers to every known god, even Zeus, to save me from the horror outside of the hollowed tree trunk I chose to hide in
  • The silence of an autumn forest holding its breath as an eldritch terror is drawn to its quarry by the whispered prayer to the fuckboy god, Zeus
  • The tearing of skin, rending of meat, and gasping for air from a man who never got around to finishing The Sopranos
  • A kitten meowing at midnight because despite what the barely touched food in his bowl might tell you, he hasn’t eaten in 700 years