Like many men who hear about Serena Williams and that she plays tennis, I told everyone I knew that I could beat her. I said the phrase “no contest” several times. I guess word got back to her and, well, she had a hankering for a spank-ering. On a related note, I once saw a hoodie that said “results or excuses” on it. The result was that I came in second in the match, which is good, too. But if you were wanting to hear an excuse since we already know the result, these are fifteen.

  1. Woke up at 4 AM because I have a CEO mindset. The match took place way after 4 AM, so I was tired.
  2. Before match, stubbed toe while cleaning room to keep mind sharp.
  3. Wife did not go to Costco to pick up protein powder. Serena is own wife, can rely on self to arrange for protein powder.
  4. Was being a gentleman.
  5. Instead of keeping my eye on the ball, I was looking at a picture of big yacht.
  6. Just learned about boundaries from Jonah Hill and am still unclear on the difference between physical vs. conceptual (ran full tilt at net, got tangled).
  7. Was listening to podcast on 1.5x speed that I would actually be a better guest for than the guest who was on.
  8. Was thinking of sex every 7 seconds. So 6/7 seconds was tennis instead of 7/7. Serena thinking about tennis all 7.
  9. The best offense is a good defense. When you're on defense you don't score any points, so I scored no points.
  10. I had only practiced on a Wii at my Nana's nursing home. This is because I have to visit her so she doesn't give her money to my cousins who don't even have any once-in-a-lifetime opportunities.
  11. Was thinking about favorite moments from Hacksaw Ridge.
  12. Was thinking about favorite moments from when I would beat Serena even though I was then losing very bad with no signs of turnaround.
  13. Serena probably cheated (which is worse since she is a woman. For me, a man, to cheat would be a biological instinct/cool.)
  14. Already lost to Venus. Don’t want to cause cat-fight. Meow!
  15. I have never played tennis.