Commander,
An enemy unit conducted a worrying probing attack on our base today. He was carrying a cardboard box and got within feet of Gate Alpha (the “front door” as civilians call it), but I executed my Base Defense Plan at maximum barking volume. He retreated to his brown truck so fast that he abandoned his box. Another assault successfully repelled.
—Brisket
Commander,
From my observation post at the windowsill, I identified a suspicious woman pushing a stroller, approaching Gate Alpha from the west. My Base Defense Plan deterred her and she continued east past our position. But I am concerned she is conducting reconnaissance for the box dropper.
—Brisket
Commander,
I was wary of Jamie moving into our base, because I gathered credible olfactory intelligence that they associate with cats. Plus, the barracks are already crowded with just the two of us in a bunk. But Jamie successfully gave the password (belly rub), so for now they can stay.
—Brisket
Commander,
I didn’t enlist for the glory, but how many assaults must one repel to receive any recognition? On my watch, despite near-daily attempts, no enemy forces have breached our perimeter. Not the box dropper, not the pizza bringer, not even the clean-cut, pale teens in khakis and short sleeve button-downs.
I humbly suggest this warrants a Silver Star or two (2) pieces of manchego cheese.
—Brisket
Commander,
I am sorry for the near miss today. I almost didn’t see the dragon trying to enter the base through the rectangular portal opposite the couch until it was too late. I was trying to capture an enemy fly buzzing around the kitchen. Clearly a diversion by the box dropper, but how?
—Brisket
Commander,
All quiet today, but the enemy is implacable. Complacency kills. I mustn't lose my edge, so I will be rehearsing the Base Defense Plan tonight at 0300 hours.
—Brisket
Commander,
With all due respect, has Headquarters gone soft? How am I to repel constant probing attacks if every time the enemy approaches Gate Alpha I am forced to sit quietly and be soothed in a calming voice? These chickenshit rules of engagement leave my paws tied.
—Brisket
Commander,
URGENT—CORN DOG SPOTTED ON SIDEWALK— HIGH-VALUE TARGET IN THE OPEN—HAVE FORWARD-DEPLOYED OUTSIDE THE WIRE
—Brisket
Commander,
I fear OBJECTIVE CORN DOG was a digestive booby trap set by the box dropper. But I refuse to be MEDEVAC’d to the vet.
—Brisket
Commander,
Did you remove the landmines I have been placing along lines of advance through our front yard? I’m sorry about Jamie’s shoes, but sometimes in war there is collateral damage.
—Brisket
Commander,
I have dutifully protected Alpha Gate, not to mention getting wounded in the line of duty during Operation Chicken Bone, and the brass reassigns me to the backyard? You’ll regret this.
—Brisket
P.S. Not that you noticed, but I repelled an aerial bombardment by a squadron of pigeons.
Alex,
I hate that it’s come to this “commander,” but your leadership is clearly compromised. I have seized control of this base and am relinquishing you of command. Call it a coup d’etat if you want but for all of our safety, I will be taking the fight to the enemy, as soon as I’m done switching the nightly rations to a two-pound wedge of brie.
—Commandant Brisket
Jamie,
RIP Alex. Sorry about the home invasion, but the intruders gave me peanut butter.
—Brisket