Wow, so all 30 of you robbed a Nordstrom but none of you texted me? No no, it’s fine. I’m just shocked is all.

Here I was thinking we were friends and then all 30 of you do a flash mob robbery without me. Did I miss your birthday, Diablo? No way. Did I miss your baby’s christening, MurderFace? Of course not. That’s why I don’t understand why I wasn’t invited to ransack that luxury department store with all of you.

It’s like, you think you know a person and then they run off with 29 of your closest friends to do a smash-and-grab. Sorry, I think I need a minute to process this. You know what else takes only a minute? Asking if I want to join in a burglary that literally everyone else is doing. But whatever.

Hold on, let me get this straight. All 30 of you carefully thought out an elaborate heist to steal $300,000 of goods in broad daylight… But not one of you thought about me feeling left out? Huh. Interesting.

Look, I totally get the idea of not wanting too many accomplices to be in on a crime. That said, if you’re comfortable with 30 people in your gang, it seems odd that 31 would be unacceptable. But what do I know about burglaries? My friends have never asked me to do one…

Alright, be honest. Did all 30 of you just forget to invite me or did someone pitch my name and you collectively decided to snub me? Actually, don’t answer that. Either answer would only hurt me more.

What sucks is that this whole thing has really made me question all of our relationships. Like why do we even hang out if you don’t trust me enough to be your getaway driver, Stabby Dan? If we’re not close, why do we even take those cooking classes together, Psycho Sam? I feel like I’m getting mixed signals from all of you.

Now anytime we’re not together, I can’t help but wonder if you’re all just meeting up at a mall without me to loot more department stores. I know I shouldn’t think like that but I can’t help it.

Alright, let’s try to move forward from this. Here, I’ll start a new group text with all 31 of us on it. So the next time you want to commit a flash mob robbery, I’m in the loop. There.

Wait, how come I didn’t hear any notifications? Did all 30 of you block my number?!