“And again I say unto you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” —Matthew 19:24

We at CamelX would like to address recently surfaced scrolls in which our founders made statements a couple thousand years ago, in 40 AD, promising to put a camel through the eye of a needle in the next ten years.

As a highly innovative, risk-taking company sheepishly protecting shareholder value, we'd like to formally state: course we said that shit we had to.

Because here at CamelX our motto has always been:

“No one can believe stuff—unless you say it first.”

And doing the innovation equivalent of firing off the “here” text when you’re one block away is actually a huge part of pioneering.

We’re working on the future of camel travel here, taking a shabby-chic ungulate and our ultra-rich, extremely normal seeming passenger-clients to new frontiers and, we know down deep in a way you're just gonna have to trust us on, through the eye of a needle very soon.

Another five years tops.

As with any advancement, there have been skeptics. Even that Matt dude claimed we're missing the point.

Exactly: we're aiming for the totally opposite end of the needle.

That part with the teensy hole? Not everyone will get what we’re trying to do here and that’s fine.

In the meantime, CamelX's rabid supporters already enjoy our sustainable ground transport, smooth camels with no handles on the sides that you can recharge at oasis stations there aren’t enough of. We're thankful to our loyal fans, a demographic comprised entirely of people who got picked on in high school but are pretending they weren’t now.

Because only the coolest people are fans of companies. And being one when you're poor isn’t a somehow sadder version of yelling at athletes from the couch.

Often we're asked, why not focus resources on problems here, on this side of the eye? Issues like reliable public transportation, making sure everyone has enough to eat, or how we’re at most 20 years out from a whole population of Alzheimer's patients who now know Brazilian jujitsu. I mean, training like that, gotta be one of the last things to go, right?

Unfortunately, that’s all nerd shit. And we're not about that. Our prospectus specifically states: it’s gotta rule and go zoom.

For what even lies on the other side of the needle eye? Some alternative universe, where your dad pats you on the shoulder one time so you don’t have to go off and start companies? Where Janice Lightman, in 4th grade, didn’t tell Bethany Van Riley she wouldn’t “go out with you” because your head was weird. So then you spent the next 20 years making your head as good as possible where you could control it—on the inside—launching a new kind of semiconductor empire in the process?

No one was going on actual dates in 4th grade. The hell did “going out” even mean?

Needle-eye trips will start at 2 million dollars.

Most of that goes toward getting your own little jumpsuit though. Just like real astronauts. The original cool dorks.

Because if this company were a bad idea, why would CamelX's stock, like many of our booster-camels landing during testing, be through the roof?

In fact, we’re taking this opportunity to announce that by 2050 we'll now be offering commercial flights to the kingdom of God.

The revolutionary technology is surprisingly simple. In order for our passenger-clients to get into heaven, we use our tremendous resources to assist them in inventing something that helps a great many people here on Earth.

Which is all we ever wanted to do ourselves in the first place, way back when we started.