“I'll follow him to the movie theater and let my phone ring on full during the emotional scenes.”

“What if we hired a guy to run up to him on the street and tell him that all four Ninja Turtles died? No? What if we said Master Splinter died too?”

“How about you seduce a billionaire to buy his job, then gut it? Or… I could seduce a billionaire? Totally for you, though.”

“Can't we just like, blow up his house?”

“We should burn down that one store in the mall that only sells neutral-colored beanies and ringer tees that have an itty bitty design on the front and a really big design on the back. That'll really hit him where it hurts.”

“Let's pay one of his friends to convince him that man buns are like, a thing again.”

“I'll track down a 4-pack of original recipe Four Loko, drop it on his doorstep, and let it take him out instead. You won't have to lift a finger.”

“What gives? Let's get fro-yo and drop a piano on him Looney Tunes-style.”

“There's a reaaaally big brick wall by his apartment… would be a shame if someone just… painted it like a tunnel for him to drive into….”

“How about we banish him to the *land of desolation, ruin, isolation, decay, and destruction?”

*Boston, Massachusetts

“I know a guy that knows a guy that knows another guy that knows The Weeknd's assistant, who I have on good authority probably knows The Weeknd. Maybe I could get him to block your ex on Instagram?”

“Pretty please with cherries on top can we hire the girl from My Strange Addiction who eats mattresses to eat his couch and bed like a chicken wing?”

“Is his number still blocked? No? What if you just convinced him to ruin his own life instead by going to grad school?”