Waitstaff helpfully point out when a plate’s hot, keeping patrons safe by advising them not to touch it. But what if they extended this same honest instructional guidance into all interactions…

“Be charmed by my little jokey joke, where I called you a big spender for ordering the house wine.”

“Be clued into the fact that the specials are leftovers.”

“Be optimistic that your water is bottled and not fresh from the restroom tap.”

“Be age-appropriately dismayed by the music choice and volume in this restaurant, which you didn’t realize was some sort of EDM club/eatery hybrid.”

“Be detail-oriented when checking the cleanliness of your cutlery, plates, and glassware. For we have not been.”

“Be mindful that beef dishes may contain horse beef rather than cow beef.”

“Be less quick to question my bovine knowledge.”

“Be hip to the fact that your mains won’t be served at the same time. Of course, they could be, but they won’t be.”

“Be wary of your side salad. For it was someone else’s side salad before it was yours.”

“Be realistic about your culinary expectations.”

“Be overtly appreciative of the food. Chef’s watching, and he’s a sensitive soul who’s quick to anger.”

“Be all ce la vie about our use of the word organic.”

“Be vigilant with the pepper shaker. We loosen the lids for fun.”

“Be in the knowledge that I overheard you call the horse beef ‘tough.’”

“Be wise to the fact that I have snitched on you to Chef.”

“Be laissez-faire about any hairs you find in your food. There’s a golden retriever in the kitchen.”

“Be not alarmed; it’s Chef’s emotional support animal.”

“Be informed that I don’t believe it violates any health codes.”

“Be sure that I don’t know anything about health codes.”

“Be loosey-goosey about the fact that my boob grazed your partner’s shoulder when serving his horse steak and again when leaning in to smell his cologne.”

“Be astute in the knowledge that the owner holds some pretty out-there political views. By dining here, you are funding his ‘ChatGPT is a lie; it’s really a thousand monkeys at a thousand Chromebooks' conspiracy theory Facebook ads.”

“Be very chill about the definition of homemade when perusing the dessert menu.”

“Be endeared by my elusiveness when I ignore your calls for service.”

“Be woke about your privilege when the time to tip comes.”

“Be annoyed by the table of influencers making content about their entrees, which inexplicably involves dancing; their meal was fully comped.”

“Be judicious when it comes to checking the bill. I’ve been known to buy myself a round or two.”

“Be reticent about leaving a negative review; Chef is the sort to write a scathing and deeply personal retort on Yelp.”