Hi, Pete! Thank you for using the newly launched Feast Finder! We will keep you updated about your order every step of the way using our state-of-the-art information system that combines ChatGPT, Alexa, and your phone! Good choice picking Darlene’s BBQ! She was one terrific lady, born in Missouri in 1958, the youngest of six children.

Darlene’s BBQ is preparing your order to be delivered between 6:18 and 6:28 PM. Hold tight! It’s coming soon.

Your order of one rack of St. Louis ribs with spicy BBQ sauce, coleslaw, double waffle fries, a piece of cornbread, and extra ranch is ready for pickup by one of our trusted drivers. Wow, Pete! You ordered a lot of food. Did you skip lunch again?

Jim T. is picking up your order in his burgundy 1996 Toyota Corolla that produces 105 horsepower, 117 lb.-feet of torque, and wears a tired Ross Perot bumper sticker. The previous owner was a big Perot fan, and Jim T. doesn’t care enough to remove it.

Jim T. is headed your way. He’s listening to Tupac. Well, he was. He just switched over to AM. He tries to listen to bits and pieces of the news around this time, so that his partner can’t say, “You never know what’s going on!” like she used to.

Speaking of Jim T.’s partner, she has just called to inform him that her mother’s recent bunion surgery was a tremendous success. Jim T. is doing his best to care, but he is distracted by the golden doodle hanging out the back window of the car in front of him. He is wondering why the poodle is mixed with every imaginable dog in America, and believes it has something to do with the glee one attains when saying the suffix “doodle.”

While listening more intently to his partner, Jim T. has forgotten that he is currently working for Feast Finder and has helped himself to three of your waffle fries. Don’t worry, they were strays at the bottom of the bag.

Jim T.’s therapist has said that Jim T. needs to be a more active listener in conversations. Jim T. doesn’t remember more than that, however, because he wasn’t truly listening. He imagines that this conversation—the post-surgery, bunion rehab one—is a great opportunity to do so. He asks his partner questions but finds it difficult to care. He isn’t doing much now but saying “Wow,” and “You don’t say,” and “Interesting.”

Jim T. thinks his relationship, no matter how difficult, is better than most. He finds it worth the fight, and there are days, Sundays mostly, when they awaken together at nine and listen to the sparrows chirp and then make French press coffee that he believes he has discovered the meaning of life.

Jim T. is telling his partner that he must go. He is almost ready to drop off some food to a customer. That’s you, Pete! Are you excited? Did you set the table? Or are you going to eat over the sink like usual? Ever since Lisa left, you have been reeling, right, Pete? Are you doing better tonight?

Pete, do you also miss your cute couple Sunday mornings? When you would make a big pot of tea and then take to the flea market with Lisa? Are you still starting the day by looking at her Instagram and whiffing the top of her perfume bottle that she left on the nightstand? Hey, at least you can order BBQ now, right? She can’t complain about the smell any longer!

Jim T. has arrived. Get your tip ready, Pete. You forgot to tip through Feast Finder. Five dollars is fine. It is 17.38 percent. Not great, but fine.

Jim T. is walking your way at 2.1 miles per hour.

That was nice of you, Pete. Really nice of you. It is not customary to invite a Feast Finder driver inside to share the food, but Jim T. really needed the break, and I think you did as well. Based on the data, the two of you have a 93.46 percent chance of becoming solid friends. Your political differences are the only hangup, but Jim T. is not wedded to his philosophies.

Are you sure, Pete? Are you sure you wish to unsubscribe from Feast Finder?

Well, Lisa was right about you, Pete. You do give up too fast.

At Feast Finder, we believe in a trial separation, so I will reach out to you in thirty minutes to make completely sure you wish to part ways. If I don’t hear from you before then, Pete, be sure to chew your food well and take a Tums after this meal. You’ll be glad you did. Remember the company luau last month? Exactly