It came to pass on the morning when the LORD spake unto Child saying, “Speak thou unto Dad, king of the house, all that I say unto thee.” And Child said before the LORD, “Behold, I am of irrational lips, and how shall Dad hearken unto me?”
And the LORD said unto Child, “I shall make thee a god before Dad, and Toddler thy sister shall be thy prophet. Thou shalt speak all that I command, that Dad may send my children to the park. But I will harden his heart and multiply my signs and my wonders in the house.
“When Dad shall speak unto you, saying, ‘We’re not going to the park yet. I haven’t even finished my coffee,’ then thou shalt say unto Toddler, ‘Take thy breakfast and cast it before Dad, and it shall become a mess upon the floor.’” And Child and Toddler did as the LORD commanded, and Toddler cast down her breakfast before Dad and before the dog, and it became mayhem.
Then the LORD said unto Child, “Dad’s heart is hardened. He refuseth to let my people go to the park. Get thee unto Dad. Lo, as he goeth unto the laundry room to get paper towels and cleaning spray, and thou shalt stand right outside the door and say unto Dad, ‘Let my people go to the park. For I will at this time scream so loud that thou mayest know that there is none like me in all the earth.’”
But Dad hardened his heart and said, “When has that attitude gotten you anything ever?” And the LORD said unto Toddler, “Stretch out thine hand toward the laundry room light switch, that there may be darkness over Dad.” And Dad saw not what he was doing in there, but all the LORD’s children had light in their playroom.
And the LORD spake unto Child. “Say unto Toddler, ‘Take thy markers, and stretch out thine red markers upon their walls, upon their couch, upon their tables, and upon their cabinets, that there may be a stain throughout all the house, both on vessels of wood, and on vessels of stone.’” And Child and Toddler did as the LORD commanded. And Dad took the marker away and put Toddler in her crib.
But when Dad saw that the house was momentarily still, he hardened his heart, refilled his coffee mug, and hearkened not unto the army of the LORD. And the LORD said unto Child, “Rise up, and stand before Dad, and say unto him, ‘How long wilt thou refuse to humble thyself before me? Let my people go to the park. Else, if thou wilt not let the people go, behold, I will open the front door and send swarms of mosquitoes upon thee and into thy house.’”
And Child did so, and there came a grievous swarm of mosquitoes and flies into the house. And Dad called for Child and Toddler and said, “Please just go play in your room and then maybe later. After I’m done with my coffee, we’ll see.”
So the LORD said unto Child, “Go unto Dad, for I have hardened his heart that I might shew my signs before him. And that thou mayest tell your friends what things I have wrought in the house, that all may know that I am the LORD. Say unto Dad, ‘Since thou refuseth to let my people go to the park, behold, will I let the dog out of the house.’”
And Mom, a magician and sorcerer in Dad’s court, appeared from the bed chambers and entreated unto Dad, “How long shall these children be a snare unto us? Let them go, that they may play at the park. Knowest thou not yet that the house is destroyed?”
Hearing this, Dad called unto Child, and said, “Okay okay. We’ll go, but you need to take off your Spider-Man costume and put on sunscreen.”
But Child said, “Thou must let me wear the Spider-Man costume and listen to Spidey and His Amazing Friends in the car.” But before Dad could take the LORD’s children to the park, he had to go catch the dog, for Child and Toddler had done as the LORD commanded them, and the dog gave chase over the face of the earth.
Then the LORD said unto Child, “Yet will I bring one plague more upon Dad and upon the house. Afterward, he shall surely thrust you out hence altogether.”
And the LORD spake unto Child and Toddler saying, “Take every child a diaper from the pail, a diaper of significant blemish, and hide it somewhere in the house.” And the LORD’s army went away, and did as the LORD had commanded, hiding diapers thoroughly around the house so that the stink was everywhere. And when Dad returned with the dog, there was a great cry in all the house, for there was not a room where there was not stench.
And Dad called for Child and Toddler, and said, “Jeez it smells awful in here. Let’s just go. I’ll figure that out later.” And it came to pass the selfsame day that the LORD did bring his children out of the house by their armies to play in the park.