Hey there, I was just out for my mid-morning run and spotted you here. What a beautiful day huh? I just love enjoying days like this by waking up early, eating a healthy breakfast, and exercising vigorously. Hope you don’t mind if I do a little stretching while we’re chatting, I just can’t keep still for more than like ten seconds. I’m so jealous of guys like you who can just sit at a table like this for hours and hours without literally moving a muscle—must be nice.

I see you’re on your second mimosa—I get that! This is actually my second jog of the day. I just woke up with some extra energy and couldn’t resist a little pre-run jog to get in the zone. I’m sure you understand.

What’s that? You woke up early too, but decided to go back to sleep two more times before being late to an 11 AM brunch ten minutes from your house? Well hey, different strokes, right?

Ha, I probably sound like some kind of workout freak who spends every second thinking about how I could optimize my protein intake by 0.1 gram, has the nearly perfect body of a man ten years my junior, and doesn’t know how to have a good time, but honestly, I wish I could join you for a drink right now. In a way, I already drank a Bloody Mary myself this morning, if you consider a green smoothie that includes heirloom tomatoes, fresh squeezed celery juice, and no alcohol to be a Bloody Mary. I can see from your face that you don’t, but that won’t stop me from drinking it every morning. I’m just a bad boy like that.

In fact, I enjoy recreationally drinking all kinds of fun beverages—yesterday before my power yoga class, I drank some homemade cold brew with flaxseed oil, clarified butter, steel-cut oats, and gently massaged whole kale leaves. It was a little hard to choke down, but I got in a bonus ab workout by giving myself the Heimlich a few times. And I have to say, it made me feel prettttttty crazy when I was in crow pose, if you know what I mean. I guess antioxidants just do that to me!

So what are your plans for the rest of the weekend? I see you’re chugging that Gatorade pretty hard, must be getting ready to really go work up a sweat later.

Oh, going to nap and watch 27 episodes of something you’ve already seen from bed next to unfolded laundry from last week? Well great idea honestly, rest time is so important. I’ll probably do some silent meditation and an hour or two of light pilates to wind down after I get ten or twelve more miles in.

That looks great—what are those, tater tot breakfast nachos smothered in gravy and seven different kinds of cheese with a side of Belgian waffles? Man, that makes me really look forward to a brunch of sorts I’m having tomorrow. This juice bar around the corner from me is having a crazy deal on their morning cleanse if you get there by 5:15. There’s nothing like knocking back a few cold frosty ounces of Lemongrass Ginger Colon Blaster Plus before the sun comes up.

You know, this is getting me thinking: we should do brunch soon. Like a real one, with food and everything. One of my CrossFit buddies says brunch is just for lazy pathetic sacks of shit who don’t have any ambition or value to society and probably have a drinking problem, but I don’t buy into that nonsense. I think brunch a couple of times a year is a great way to carbo load for a marathon or decathlon.

As a matter of fact, I have a couple of those next weekend, so how about Saturday? Pick you up at six?