The constantly shifting money landscape of the 21st century offers more opportunities than ever for the dedicated hustler. It can be overwhelming, but with a little hard work, you can finally reach your goal of financial independence.

Invest with your unique skills and passions

It might sound like a cliché, but there's only one person with your exact set of interests and talents. That’s right, it’s you! Starting with your personal interests is a great way to dip your toe into the daunting world of investments. For example, if you’re passionate about the environment, look for and research sustainability ETFs. The financial knowledge you gain will be invaluable. If you enjoy spooking twenty-something men with weak constitutions, think about expanding to different, older people who have a more diversified retirement portfolio. Couldn’t hurt!

Explore the cryptospace

Nowadays, you would be foolish NOT to include some cryptocurrencies in your portfolio. Like with any new money-making venture, there are a lot of scammers looking to take advantage of the uninformed, so do your research. Try the local library! Libraries these days require many things, so make sure to bring a photo ID, a library card, a pinwheel that always blows despite the lack of wind, a diabolo that leaks blood, and definitely that jack-in-the-box.

Leverage the gig economy

Commercialize your downtime! Not needing to sleep is a HUGE advantage for you. From what I’ve heard, driving for Uber during surge times (between the hours of 9 PM and 6 AM M-F) is by far the most lucrative gig work. You might feel like this cuts into the time when you like to explore your hobbies, such as playing on the creaking swings in the backyard and singing culturally forgotten lullabies. Don’t worry! You’ll have plenty of time for such activities when you’re rich!

Monetize your social media presence

Influencer status used to be exclusively for mega-celebrities. However, companies have begun expanding their reach using “micro-influencers.” It’s a great way for them to touch more niche markets, and a great way for you to cash in. Every man is a universe within himself, and every semi-transparent boy is a brand waiting to skyrocket! Take your signature look of exposed socks and calves, giant ruffled bow tie over that puritan-sailor jacket, and grim stare beyond your years—a true marketer’s dream.

Don’t be daunted by the real estate market

Real estate investments are no longer for the super-rich, nor the super-corporeal. Fractional real estate investments are surprisingly lucrative options for those in the lower income brackets. Sorry for the jargon, but basically it means you can pool your capital with multiple individuals or investment firms and then split that pool between any number of commercial and/or residential properties. Put even simpler, instead of spending all your time in one small studio apartment in Los Angeles that couldn’t possibly be connected to your embodied life in 1890s London, try branching out to other dwellings.

Launch an e-commerce store

Many people nowadays, perhaps even you, are upset that they had to “work me hands awl day an’ night” in a textile factory during their short stint at life. But don’t you think the things we once hated doing have a funny way of turning into pleasures? For instance, I have a friend who loathed piano lessons as a kid, but he grew to love playing his upright as an adult until someone started slamming down dissonant chords just as he was drifting off to sleep. Anyway, there is a huge market for bespoke items such as rugs and afghans. Get after it!

Miscellaneous tips

  • It’s bad for the bond market to rattle someone’s ankle bones against each other when he (or she) is just entering REM sleep.
  • Interest rates are expected to rise again, don’t get caught flat-footed waiting in the bathroom for someone to open a mirror to look for his toothpaste and then be standing there in the reflection.
  • Avoid short-sighted strategies such as payday loans, or possessing people’s Hinge dates when they haven’t had a real connection in years.
  • Stop turning the milk into blood.

The bad news: there's no shortcut to financial success. The good news: the tools necessary for that success are more available than they have ever been. All you need is a little bit of know-how, the confidence to follow your unique vision, and perhaps the conclusion of any unfinished business here on earth. Stay hungry!