Why have a “steal it” button?

We at Amazon want to replicate every part of the brick-and-mortar experience, and that includes the sweet sweet thrill of shoplifting. There’s nothing like that rush of walking out of the automatic doors and listening for the “stop right there!” that never comes. Usually…

So, if I click the “steal it” button I just get the stuff for free?

That’s right. The item(s) will be delivered to your house free of charge, assuming you are successful. Although, there would be no thrill in shoplifting if there wasn’t the possibility of being caught.

Can I steal anything, like even big TVs and stuff that costs thousands of dollars?

You can certainly try. But just like in real life, bigger things are harder to steal. More expensive things often come with alarms. We’ve replicated those physical barriers as lower odds in our probabilities.

What are the probabilities exactly?

Wouldn’t you like to know, hahaha! We like to joke around here. But seriously, there’s no guarantee a real-life shoplift will be successful. Those probabilities aren’t known either because skill and luck come into play greatly.

Is there any skill in the “steal it” button?


How do I know that the possibility isn’t just 0%?

Couldn’t you ask the same thing about slot machines?

Assuming it actually works sometimes, Amazon is okay with just losing money?

Not everything in business can be quantified with dollars and cents. Are company retreats a waste of money? No, because they keep employees happy. Think of this as a way to increase customer engagement.

What happens if I “get caught?”

We thought you’d never ask! Federal and State jurisdictions do not recognize using the “steal it” button as criminal theft (yet) so we’ve taken the matter into our own hands. If you are “caught” you will be forced to perform private ‘dances’ for Jeff Bezos.

Are these dances sexual in nature?

The degree of sexuality will be proportional to the cost of the item you attempted to steal.

Jeff is a billionaire, can’t he just buy as many exotic dancers as he wants?

This isn’t about the dances. It’s about recreating the brick-and-mortar experience. We just needed to think of some punishment. It was more or less random.

But then why sexual?

Look. We’re not Jeff, but if we were to offer a conjecture, we’d say it’s not so much about the dance itself but about the thrill that comes from knowing people out there actually have so little money that they would do just about anything to lighten the load. That they would stoop so low, that they would risk such humiliation for a free set of biodegradable sponges…mmm…it doesn’t get any better than that…

What happens if I accidentally click the “steal it” button?

You can reach out to Amazon support to report an accidental attempt.

If I am “caught,” will I know immediately?

Not necessarily. Being “caught” could happen at any time in the future.

But you will always know I clicked “steal it.”

Not really a question, but yes, that is correct. We will have a record of it.

So what if, for instance, Jeff is bored one day and decides to go through the record and pick one of the “uncaught” people, even if it’s years later?

What an active imagination you have!

Are you saying that won’t happen?

It might. We should also mention that you can get “caught” more than once for a theft, especially if Jeff liked your dancing.

I thought you said this wasn’t about the dancing?

It’s a little about the dancing.