Each year, mice enter approximately 21 million US homes. These are their rights.
- Every apartment must come equipped with wires for chewing. The wires must be replaced with in-tact wires every six months or when the gnawed wires have rendered the appliance useless (and therefore no longer fun to destroy). Tenants are not responsible for subsequent electrical fires that may occur.
- Building owners are authorized to leave cheese unattended, provided it is easily accessible without the threat of death or injury. Unattended crumbs are to be scattered on the first of every month.
- Painting the unit is permitted, provided the tenants do so by stepping in jam and scurrying up the walls. Jam is to be provided by building owners in the form of open jars left on the countertop for hours at a time.
- Shitting is permitted anywhere on the premises. Building owners are not permitted to freak out about this.
- Cats are not to reside on the premises, as is dictated by the Species Discrimination Act of 1953 which states that it is a building owner’s duty to foster a building culture that is hostile to felines.
- Dogs must pass a series of suitability tests before being permitted in the building, the first of which is to show them the movie Stewart Little and gauge their reaction. If they show little to no prey drive, the next step is to affix a stuffed toy to their back, mimicking the feeling of a mousing riding them around the apartment.
- No loud and/or sudden noises in the building. If building maintenance causes loud disturbances, owners must pay a fine of fifteen Honey Nut Cheerios to each tenant. Off-brand cereals will not be accepted as legal tender.
- The Fire Department requires all dwellings to have at least two exits. Exits may include (but are not limited to) open windows, doors left slightly ajar, shower drains, poorly sealed sliding glass doors, and chimneys.
- All load-bearing columns must be marked so as to let tenants know which columns are not suitable for chewing all the way through. Any unmarked columns are fair game.
- As of 2012, approximately 4,000 little lives are lost every year to porcelain appliances such as sinks, bathtubs, and toilet bowls. A hand towel must be draped over the edge to act as a ladder to tenants who may slip and tumble down into said appliances.
- No scampering shall occur within the hours of 12:00 PM and 2:00 PM to allow for midday nesting. Human building owners who do not comply with the Nesting Hours No Scampering Code will find bite marks on their sex toys.
- Furnished apartments must include twigs, lint, and pet hair. Thimbles and spools of thread are optional, but appreciated.
- The property manager does not have the authority to conduct inspections of any kind. They do, however, have the authority to leave wicker baskets of fruit and/or tea cookies on the unit’s doorstep.
- ADA guidelines detail that all cracks and/or holes in baseboards must be a minimum of one inch in diameter to ensure ample entry room. Holes cannot be filled, blocked by furniture, or guarded by booby traps, especially those containing tasty, little snacks. The maximum occupancy of each hole is 2,000.
- Jazz music is to be piped into the apartment through the vents, as it is ideal for pitter-pattering. This is non-negotiable. Humans may not practice the drums or any other precision instrument while on the premises. If humans insist on playing live music, they must be proficient. No “picking up” a new instrument. Violin is preferable.
- Housing is a mouse right. “Rental payments” are illegal.
- Evictions are not possible.