In the chaos of today’s media landscape, we—the hardworking CEOs at Diversit-AI™ (rhymes with YAY)—have come together and solved the age-old question of diversity. A.k.a. how do you as a predominately white business sell more things to a population that is increasingly not? Our incredible proprietary AI technology allows you to craft a bespoke spokesperson to help maximize your audience, saving you the hassle of having to hire a minority, or worse, listen to them.

We understand that seeing melanin where there usually is not can be uncomfortable. Don’t worry, we have safeguards against that:

Using our Mel-AI-nin Slider ™, you can adjust the skin tone of your AI spokesmodel to your comfort zone. From the darkest of skin tones to the just-a-drop-of-freckle-here-and-there, we offer an entire cornucopia of colors and ethnicities. Feel free to experiment to make sure you have just the right amount of melanin to sell more popcorn or disrupt the humidifier market.

Thanks to our Season-AI-ng™ program, you can modulate your model’s voice to include just the right amount of AAVE for your personal and professional needs. An authentic voice is so important to reach your target audience. For your convenience, we built pre-made settings like “ironic early 2000’s slang” and “sounds like the guys from The Wire.”

Each AI model also come with Backstor-AI ™, a generative program that will come up with the perfect tragic backstory stitched just for you. For example, you can select the Immigr-AI-nt ™ option, which automatically blends a believable amount of nondescript suffering into a story of achieving the American Dream. This can help some demographics feel “seen,” and doubles as a way to guilt your employees for taking a day off.

If you’re worried about not understanding someone, don’t worry. Although our models come standard with perfect unaccented English, you can use the AI-ccentuate ™ option to add just a hint of otherworldly unheard of accents like Spanish.

In the past, businesses have trusted human affairs to other humans, and this has produced under-maximized results. Unfortunately, human employees are still human, and will inevitably have human needs like healthcare that includes teeth and eyes.

But with the wonders of technology, you no longer need to depend on any human. In fact, you will never need to worry about “time off” or “benefits” or if they are part of a “community” and might “unionize.”

This way even if there’s a labor strike, you can cut out the middleman (actors) and create your preferred final product (anything actors are in). You will never need to search for non-white background actors again. Because yes, it is nearly impossible to find non-white people in LA or New York.

So now when your Fortune 500 CEO makes the news after having issued a statement with racist impact, you can trust Diversit-AI ™to help craft the perfect apology note: one that has just the right amount of accountability to appear sincere, but not so much as to be legally liable.

Hey, you’ve never even seen a non-white person in your beautiful Minnesotan suburb, so you simply could not know you’re no longer allowed to say, “Go back to where you came from.”

Bottom line? At Diversit-AI ™, we offer brand-safe guaranteed returns for who really matters in a business: the shareholders.

Sure you could pay someone to do this, but ask yourself: as a predominately white intuition, should you really be forced to?

We don’t think so. We think you should trust in the AI revolution instead. Trust your diversity needs with us, the most honest force on Earth: Silicon Valley.