I did it! I took 2,365,912 photos of myself and am technically the most photographed person in the world. Ever heard that Marilyn Monroe was once the most photographed person alive? Well, that’s me now, baby.

Why people are not taking this seriously or considering me a person who should be one of the most talked about people in the world, is beyond me. The numbers are there!

This was not an easy journey, though. I’ve had to take about 6,482 photos of myself every day to make this happen. I have maxed out 14 used iPhone storage capacities and countless SD cards. I’ve also used a handful of digital and Polaroid cameras to diversify my portfolio. I had my photo taken a couple hundred times with that old-school stand-up flash camera, but that only counted for 0.0003% of my total. If you have any old cameras, phones, disposables, laptops, video game consoles with built-in cameras, photo booths, or security cameras, I am taking donations.

This was an easy defeat of some of the other most photographed people in the world, including people like Queen Elizabeth II, Barack Obama, and Britney Spears, who all had around half a million images according to the first Google search that came up for me.

Gosh. It’s exhausting having your picture taken constantly. Especially when you’re the one taking it! I’ve looked at myself through a photo screen so often now that I fear I have no capability of learning new faces. I see my own face when I look at others, and when I close my eyes. I AM HAUNTING MYSELF.

Anyways, in my inevitable acceptance speech at the World Hall of Fame, I will thank the modern technology that made this possible and, while I have a platform, advocate for research to be conducted on the possible long-term effects of over-exposure to the sight of one face.

On occasion, I even called the paparazzi on myself pretending to be a celebrity, covered up in sunglasses and hats, and managed to have them photograph me for tens of minutes before realizing I was not one of the Barbies in the Barbie movie. Did you also know that if you dress up and dodge the person taking names, you can walk onto red carpets for an average of three minutes before security takes you off? That’s still a good amount of photos!

Fame. Status. Prestige. It’s all mine now. I suppose everyone will want to take a picture with me, which will only help my photo count! Look alive: I’m going to be asking to take pictures with YOU! And–

Ahh! Oh God. Sorry about that, my vision got blurry and I blacked out for a second. ANYWAY.

I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled soon to go over the carpal tunnel I gained in my wrist from taking so many selfies. Carpal tunnel syndrome is a common disorder that happens when the nerve that runs from your forearm into the palm of your hand gets pressed at the wrist, causing numbness, weakness, and pain and could cause fingers to swell. No worries, I have another hand to take selfies with! Being forced to become ambidextrous has been really cool. It has allowed me to take photos with both my hands at the same time, doubling my efficiency. Being ambidextrous also allows me to do other cool things, like brag about it.

Again, no one seems to be taking this situation seriously. If you are the editor-in-chief of Guinness World Records and you happen to be reading this, PLEASE give me a call. I have watermarked my phone number on all photos that I’ve uploaded online.