Thank you for purchasing Jorkelson’s Potato Chips. Congratulations! You’re currently enjoying the best potato chips in the world. At least, we like to think so. Each chip is bursting with more than 40 years of Jorkelson family pride. We want to extend our deepest gratitude to you for believing in our potato chips. Those other people who didn’t buy our chips can go right to hell.

We use only the most perfect potatoes to make our chips. Not some skunky old garbage potatoes. If you think we use skunky garbage potatoes, you can go walk off a cliff. Creating a quality product is all we care about. It’s in our blood. Every member of the Jorkelson family has taken an oath to bring you the finest possible potato snacks. And if we notice one of our team not committing 100 percent to the quality of our products, they are expelled forever from the Jorkelson family commune. Because anyone who doesn’t live the quality potato chip lifestyle is dead to us. Forever. They can beg to come back. They can cry and plead, but it’s over.

You think you’re getting back in, Daniel? Get real. You know what you did.

And that’s the Jorkelson Family Promise. We disown anyone who doesn’t eat, sleep, and breathe quality. We do everything we can to make their life a living hell as punishment for not respecting the chips. That’s how you know every single chip inside this bag is certified with the Jorkelson seal of approval. Do we actually stamp a seal onto every chip? No, that wouldn’t be cost-effective. We had a lot of long meetings trying to figure out how to put a tiny seal onto each chip and a lot of people (like that scumbag, Daniel) said it was “dumb” to even consider it. But if caring about the quality of the food you put in your mouth is dumb, then we’re just big, stupid potato-loving idiots for caring about our customers.

How much do we care? Each night at least one member of the Jorkelson family wakes up in a panic, screaming about chips. The people at Lay’s probably sleep through the night. Not us. We’re plagued with a deep anxiety that our potato chips could maybe be better even though that’s literally impossible. When we close our eyes, we see potato chips. There is no escape and we wouldn’t want it any other way. There is no reason for you to send help.

Are you enjoying the chips? We sure hope so. Look out your window. You see a guy? That’s Uncle Andy Jorkelson. He’s here to make sure every bite of your Jorkelson potato chips is crispy and perfect with just the right amount of flavor. Don’t be scared. Uncle Andy isn’t leaving until he’s sure you’re satisfied. But he won’t do anything weird or threatening. That’s another Jorkelson Family Promise. And in the middle of the night, if you hear screaming, don’t worry, that’s just Uncle Andy having another one of his potato chip night terrors. He’ll quiet down soon enough.

Speaking of flavor—do you taste that? It’s pure Jorkelson. Each of our potatoes is grown in a field where we’ve buried the remains of many generations of Jorkelson farmers. We like to think a little bit of Jorkelson goes into every bite. The clowns over at Lay’s probably don’t fertilize their crops with the sacred corpses of their ancestors. And that’s a difference you can taste. On a cold, clear night, you can still see the specter of the late Great Granddaddy Jorkelson inspecting each potato as he wanders the fields moaning. That’s our family’s eternal commitment to quality.

Enjoy! (Unless you’re Daniel, in which case, go to hell.)