Wow! Due to the overwhelming response to the latest issue of our newsletter, “Shelly's House is Opening Up: What You Need to Know,” we've had to send a follow-up to answer the many many Shelly-oriented questions we received from you!
We understand that you're curious, but please know that this newsletter is put together by a team of VOLUNTEERS in Shelly's basement sewing room and it's hard for us to keep up with ALL OF YOUR MANY, MANY QUESTIONS, so please refer to the FAQ below to see if your question is addressed there first before blasting us with more.
Thank you for your understanding!!
Who the fuck is Shelly?
Glad you asked! Shelly was born Shelly Dakins on September 19th in the year [redacted] (Mind your own business!), in Dayton, Ohio, home of the world's largest concrete esophagus. Although she was raised in the city, Shelly spent weekends on her Gamma and Granpappy's farm outside Akron, frolicking with the lambs and indulging in her favorite flavor of potato chips—Concord grape (sadly discontinued by the Hostess Company in the 1970s).
She met and married Pete Willis, her high school sweetheart, and their union yielded a son and heir (Edwin) and a small but hysterical daughter (Pequod). They then moved to Columbus, Ohio where Pete landed a job driving a truck for Walpert's Food Additive Company, allowing Shelly to achieve her lifelong dream of being a stay-at-home mom!
They adopted a dog (Fast Green FCF) and a cat (Red 40) from the local shelter. Shelly and Pete then bought a ranch-style fixer-upper, which Shelly has single-handedly fixed up thanks to her subscription to Martha Stewart Living. After five years of hard work, Shelly is now ready to open up her home.
So, that, in a nutshell, is your guide to all things Shelly. We would have posted this to Wikipedia, but for some reason it won't let us do that. (If anyone knows how to do that, please contact us.)
Who gives a fuck?
We do, Felicia. We do. Shelly is an incredible human being, and we (and Shelly) feel it is our duty to let the world know. You're welcome!
Who signed me up for this fucking mailing list?
WE subscribed you to this newsletter as a public service to keep you up to date with all things Shelly. You're welcome!
How do I unsubscribe from this fucking mailing list?
You can't. FMD studies show that learning about Shelly will make you a better human being and telling you all about Shelly makes us better human beings. Kidding! The FMD won't answer our emails, but WE know it's true. And now, you do too. You're welcome!
Can I go to Shelly's house?
No. You are NOT welcome! lol! Look, Shelly doesn't know who the fuck you are. We're just letting you know that Shelly's house is opening up. This is not an invitation. Fuck off.
Well, Shelly can't come to my house either. How do you like them apples, Shelly?
We disagree. Shelly can come to your house if she feels like it. She won't, though, because you're clearly an uncouth loser devoid of class, whereas Shelly is full of class. Poo to you. lol!
Have a happy, heartful, blessed day!
Shelly's minions (lol!)