Good morning, patriot! Congratulations on winning NASA’s inaugural Shoot a Citizen into Space Competition. Over 300 million people competed—without their knowledge—to experience firsthand the invigorating vacuum of space.

What do you win? An all-inclusive trip to Cape Canaveral in the official NASA Windowless Van, a ceremonial crown of flowers that ensures a bountiful harvest, and a one-way ticket to space, baby.

What does this mean for you, contest winner? Tomorrow, the rest of the world will wake up in their boring houses surrounded by their needy families, while you enjoy an astronautic cold plunge.

Not even fancy-man Buzz Aldrin experienced as much raw space as you will. Protective equipment just blocks the benefits of the neutrinos, dust, and cosmic rays found naturally in space.

For safety, we’re tying you right to the tip of the rocket—far from the hot hot thrusters. You’ll also get plenty of SPF to protect your bare ass from the sun’s radiation. On top of that, we genetically engineered the slipperiest pig lard in the world to grease you up and help you slide through the Earth’s atmosphere with ease.

If launching you into space is successful, we’ll finally answer one of the foundational questions of this organization: “What happens when we launch a guy into space?”

This daring contest/mission will finally show those sexed-up punks at the Brazil Space Agency who’s cool. No other space program on Earth offers its citizens opportunities to connect with space in an authentic, experiential way. Who has an overly bureaucratic way of thinking now, Director Mr. Marco Antonio Chapman?

Once we got over our egos, the NASA leadership team realized you don’t need all this frou-frou gear for launching people into space. Space exploration is like jazz, there are no right or wrong notes. Each rocket launch offers an opportunity to explore new sounds and textures. NASA is like Charles Mingus, and you’re like the trombone player that Charles Mingus punched in the face.

Why should rocket scientists hoard the simple joy of rocketry? There are plenty of interesting people around Florida with an artful naïvety of space missions.

Our submissiveness to scientists only produced mincy moon rocks and dinky little radio waves. Now our missions provide important benefits, like sending an annual offering to the Sun God during the solstice. Yes, we’re finally doing work that matters at NASA and it’s all thanks to patriots like yourself and our new Director of Aeronautics, Kurt from the Tampa Sunoco.

The NASA Launch a Citizen into Space competition and our newfound impartiality to the scientific method gives you a unique opportunity. You will enter the rarified air of fellow one-way-wonders like Laika the dog, a swarm of fruit flies, and NASA’s fatally curious barncat Lucy.

If you’re worried about missing work, don’t be! We’ll send your employers an official letter from the President with some identifying dental records. They’ll say, “Hey these are the molars of a man doing important work for his country, we should give what’s left of him a promotion.”

Well, it’s a long drive to Florida, patriot. There’s no air conditioning in the rear of the van, either. We know the prospect of space will keep you up like a kid on Christmas Eve, so we invented a high-tech black hood that simulates nighttime.