I’m in it to win it. These fools don’t know what’s coming for them. I’m the head B on this Season of MTV’s The Concord, and everybody else better watch their backs. In this beach-themed competitive reality show, I’m going to run, jump, and climb over anything that stands between me and other people thinking good thoughts about me. I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to make best friends.

How do I feel about Chaz? Chaz and I have made an alliance, yes, but I see him more as a stepping stone in this whole thing. During the relay race on Coconut Hill, I did tell Chaz that I had his back. This was strategic, you understand? I don’t actually think that Chaz and I have a chance of winning the grand prize, but I do think that me and Chaz could be the type of friends who text each other late at night when we’re feeling insecure.

And Kai? The guy’s a total jock. A real man’s man. You know the type. After he got the Banana Peel Plaque, and immunity, it was clear as day that he had a real shot of winning this thing. So my plan at this point is to lay low. I’m going to keep my head down and fly straight. Tight-lipped. And when he least expects it—POW!—a genuine compliment on his athleticism. That way, he knows that I really mean it, because I don’t just throw those types of compliments out willy-nilly. He’ll know that I’ll be a true ride or die bro. Some of these other jokers are being fast and loose with the compliments, but you know what they say: Loose lips sink ships.

My ship? True and lasting friendSHIP.

Yeah, Kai may be in an alliance with Cathy, but guess what? I’m in an alliance with Cathy too. So me and Kai are in a step-alliance situation. But again, I’m only looking out for number one. Numero uno. Or Numero Tres: Me, myself, and I.

I’m a shark on this beach and there is chum in the water.

And Cathy? I’d consider her a real chum, for sure. A real mate, innit? Cathy loses it when I do that British accent. I don’t find accents funny, but it’s all about the end game. I’m going to play it just right. I’m not losing sight of my goal in this whole thing: a general sense that everybody likes me and thinks that I’m somebody special.

And Cathy? Me and her are definitely getting a cuppa when this is all over.

Is it hard keeping track of all these alliances? For some, maybe. Me, I just tell everybody what they want to hear. Garrison and I end up bunking next to each other on Scorpion Cove? He’s getting the top bunk and I’m getting to avoid any potential conflict. Kristin and I have to run dinner service at the Crab Shack as part of our cooking challenge? I’m volunteering to corral the crabs. But with each painful pinch, I know that Kristin will probably think that I’m sort of a good guy, probably.

Is that duplicitous? Maybe. But I’ll say whatever I need to say as long as that when this game is all over, and we all go home, when I go to bed, I can convince myself that nobody is mad at me and that we’re all on friendly terms. And if I get a sense that Kristin is mad at me, I can always text her, “Remember those crabs? LOL” That’s what friends are for.

So come at me. I’m ready for it. This game is mine. The game of friendship, not the actual beach games of The Concord. I’m definitely going home soon. But not because someone is blowing the conch shell with my name on it. Nobody would do that to their best friend.