What’s there to see and do?

Don’t expect a lot of touristy things. Most people find that simply being in Heaven gives them a new perspective on life. That said, Heaven has several noteworthy attractions. It boasts a decent choir, if you enjoy liturgical music. The library has a good book. For laughs, you can look down on Earth and observe people chasing after their dreams. Every few millennia, God makes an appearance. You don’t want to miss that.

When’s the best time to go to Heaven?

Any time is a good time to go to Heaven, but scheduling when to go can be tricky. Some people plan for the trip their entire lives and never reach Heaven. Others end up there when they least expect it. At the risk of oversimplifying things, you’ll get a call when it’s your time.

Are the people friendly?

Yes indeed, and full of good works, to boot. But try to get used to the mañana mentality. You may have to wait an eternity for what might take a few minutes on Earth. So, relax—you’re on Heaven time.

Do I need a passport to enter?

Not necessary. There is a gate, however, and lines can be long. Not everyone gets in–leading a blameless life helps–but once you’re in, you have to do something truly awful to be “sent down,” sort of like how it works at the Ivy League colleges. Note that trying to slip the gatekeeper a “gratuity” will work against you.

What should I pack?

Heaven enjoys eternal sunshine, so leave the corduroy pants and down vests at home. Pretty much everything you’ll need will be provided upon arrival: white robe, wings, harp (optional). Plus, shedding your corporeal form makes packing light a snap.

Any local customs I should be aware of?

No swearing, killing, committing adultery, lying, or coveting other people’s stuff. There are other no-nos, but if you’re not sure, there’s a list written in stone that you can always check. Under consideration: a ban on pickleball before 8 AM.

How safe is Heaven?

Very. The last serious incident happened when Satan was kicked out and established the Underworld, and that was eons ago.

How’s the food?

You might assume that the food is to die for, but in fact there’s no food in Heaven. No one eats here, although the good news is that no one diets here either. The story goes that manna dropped from Heaven onto a group of lost travelers on Earth a few thousand years ago, but apparently, that was a one-time thing.

Is smoking permitted in Heaven?

If you want to smoke, you should probably go to Hell.

Any books I should read before going?

The Bible is still the bible of books about Heaven, although it doesn’t really give you a sense of the place. By the way, Heaven and “the heavens” are two totally different things, so trying to view Heaven from a telescope on Earth won’t help.

How’s the exchange rate?

Budget travelers, rejoice! Everything you could want is free, and everyone is free of want, so the marketplace functions smoothly, just as it does in economic theory. Exchanging good deeds is the norm, so there’s no need to seek monetary wealth. Above all else, don’t agree to sell your soul, no matter what the terms—and that goes double while you’re waiting your turn on Earth.

Can I get by just using English?

Communication is more along the lines of spirit-to-spirit telepathy. If you’ve been married a long time, you already have experience with this unspoken form of expression.

Are there angels in Heaven?

Yes, and they are rumored to visit Earth on occasion, but don’t ask them to drop off souvenirs or other stuff because they won’t do it.

Is there free wi-fi?

Sorry, no Internet service in Heaven. You will, however, be connected to all things.

What’s the policy on bringing pets?

Contrary to popular belief, no dogs go to Heaven.

Will I need a car?

No, everyone flies.

Is there beer in Heaven?

Don’t be silly. Of course there is!