Why hello! How nice to meet you. Oh, don’t worry. You wouldn’t know me, but I do know you. I actually know you quite intimately. Not intimately, like that, though. Tut tut.

I should introduce myself. I’m the man who gets paid to shake his head knowingly and say “tut tut” every time you think about sex.

Oh, have you not heard about that? It’s a government program. I think it was introduced in the '20s or something. Something to do with World War One or maybe Prohibition. I forget. Anyway, politicians all agreed that it was very important for the social fabric if every time anyone thought about sex, someone else clucked their tongue judgmentally. It currently accounts for nearly 20% of the economy of Montana.

Don’t worry. It’s not like I’m constantly listening to all of your thoughts. That would be a huge violation of privacy. No, it’s just the ones about sex. I get them texted to me from our surveillance satellite system. Then, I make my knowing but unsympathetic face, just like this, and depending on how gross the thought is, I’ll either do a full “tut tut” or just a simple tongue cluck. There’s a lot of experience that goes into getting that just right.

It’s an art, really.

Sometimes I’ll even add in a patronizing little bon mot to go with it. You know, something like “Oh, there you go again…” or “Shouldn’t you be focusing a little more on your work?” That’s totally up to me though. All the contract calls for is the tut tut sound.

Now, mind you, it’s a purely professional thing. Personally, I only really judge you for about two-thirds of the sexual thoughts that you have. The rest I think are completely natural, and you shouldn’t feel bad about them at all. Of course, I do still give them a healthy “tut tut,” but that’s just because it’s my job. I don’t think you’re weird at all, for those specific thoughts. As for the others, we don’t have to talk about them.

Oh, dear, I reminded you of them, didn’t I? Haven’t you anything better to think about? Tut tut.

Admittedly, I can see how you might think this program is government overreach. But doesn’t government have a duty to protect its people? If people thought they could just think about sex without anyone clucking their tongues even a little bit, well, they might think about it even more! And then they might have weirder sex, and then they’d have to think about that, and, well you see how it all spirals out.

Besides, if the government doesn’t tut tut its citizens, who’s going to? The private sector? There was an experiment with that, back in the '80s. It went terribly. The companies tried offering a bunch of new, complicated packages, like one where someone would yell “Boo!” every time you found someone attractive, or a special “finger wagging” tier, but they ended up going bankrupt. For some reason, there just wasn’t enough demand to make it profitable.

No, I think this is a job for Uncle Sam. I feel better living in an America where I know that every time someone thinks about sex, it gets vigorously tut tutted. I wouldn’t want to raise children in a country with unjudged sexual fantasies. It just wouldn’t feel right.

Oh, is there someone who tut tuts me when I think of sex? That’s a good question. You might think that would be a problem, since they’d require tut tutting too, and then whoever tut tutted them too and so on forever. But in fact, I simply don’t think about sex. It’s actually very unusual that you have so many thoughts and emotions connected to it. It’s really a pretty uninteresting and simple activity, hence why I give it no particular attention.

Ah, and there you go again. Tut tut. And you’re welcome.