Mar
5
What I Think People Will See When They Do My Background Check
We found out that for a whole six months of junior year you got really, really into Doctor Who and Sherlock. Like, fanfiction level.
Mar
4
I Am the Coolest Guy at the Office
I end every email with “cheers.” My keys are on a carabiner attached to my belt. I call Easter “Zombie Jesus day.”
Mar
2
Five Grueling Core Exercises That Are Still Easier than Openly Expressing Emotions
Feelings of guilt and shame will give you the boost you need to keep on crunching. Your core will thank you!
Mar
1
Everything I Missed Out On While My Glasses Were Fogged Up
The “Seat Yourself” sign in a totally empty restaurant, so I stood awkwardly at the host stand for 15 minutes.
Feb
29
FAQ About Giggles ‘N Scales, Florida’s Only Combination Daycare and Alligator Sanctuary
Q: What’s keeping gators from the kids? A: Nothing! Your kids can get up close and personal with our alligators.
Feb
28
It’s AT&T, We Apologize for Thursday’s Outage and Also Why Won’t You Talk to Me?!
11:45 PM: Really starting to get worried. 12:12 AM: Are you mad at us? 1:37 AM: Did you block us?
Feb
27
We Only Dumped Toxic Waste in Your Drinking Water to Raise Awareness of Hazardous Dumping
Remember: if our competitors are not fined out of existence, then your friends and neighbors died for nothing.
Feb
26
How to Do the Perfect Squat
Popular squat varietals include Back Squats, Front Squats, and Boot Cut.
Feb
26
Did You Have to Invite Your Foley Artist Friends to Our Dinner Party?
Now every time I walk, they thump a loafer on a piece of linoleum. I mean dammit, their timing is perfect but you know I’m sensitive about my gait.
Feb
24
What Your Behavior at a Sit-Down Concert Says About You
Clapping along: You’re confident. Some would say overconfident. Holding up a lighter: You have a peace sign bumper sticker on your car.
Feb
23
The Three Laws of Robotics, If Isaac Asimov Had Led a Different Life
The Laws of Robotics, if Isaac Asimov was really into Partying: A robot must not harsh the vibe, or by inaction, allow the vibe to be harshed.
Feb
22
If LinkedIn Existed During Biblical Times
HIRING: One male and one female of every animal. Please submit a cover letter explaining why you are the most qualified/fertile of your species.
Feb
21
Restrictions to the Office’s Communal Robert’s Motorcycle
Please do not straddle the beast unless you have experience wielding crotch rockets of NASA caliber.
Feb
20
What to Say If Someone Offers You a Cigarette
I don’t want my future to go up in smoke. Sam is always watching. I don’t want to risk my chances of getting into a good college. Or my standing with Sam.
Feb
19
Out-Of-Office Message from Someone Who Doesn’t Trust Their Team
Although, if I’m honest, Amanda has horrible email etiquette. One time she shared her screen during a meeting and I saw 12,000 unread emails.
Feb
17
The Worst Surfaces for a Dramatic Pre-Sex Desk Sweep
The second to-scale Lego diorama you have built in the last two weeks of the entire Chicago skyline.
Feb
16
For God’s Sake! Why Are You All Still Ordering Our Spiciest Wings That Have Put 27 in Comas?!
We are strongly discouraging any food vloggers, frat bros, or any self-proclaimed "spice fiends" from coming to Tony’s Tavern (off I-85, exit 17).
Feb
15
What I Think Will Happen When I Become a Runner
My face won’t get all red and puffy, instead, it will take on a healthy glow, so much so that I will no longer need to wear makeup ever again.
Feb
14
Of Course I’m Taking Valentine’s Day Seriously, I Rented “Margin Call”
I’m talking secrets. Intrigue. Betrayal. A young Penn Badgley. Oh, yeah. I rented "Margin Call." What do you mean, “What’s that?”
Feb
13
Things Everyone Else Should Give Up for Lent This Year
My downstairs neighbors should give up on the thing they call a “heavy metal bagpipes band.”
Feb
12
Hurry! For a Limited Time Only, YOU Could Be the Next Owner of Our Exclusive Family Heirloom Ring!
Act now to receive a lifetime of resentment from the rest of our family.
Feb
10
Newspapers, According to Their Titles
"The New York Times" -- It’s 4:00 on Broadway. It’s also 4:00 on 81st Street.
Feb
9
Cancel Your Gym Membership in Three Easy Steps and One Impossible Minotaur Fight
Step Three: Click the “Confirm Cancel Membership” Button. Step Four: Unsheath that broadsword, foolish mortal!
Feb
8
Welcome to the Writing Workshop Where We Don’t Write
Give in to this workshop not by writing, but by taking turns asking for more condiments, plates, and silverware as I stash them in my purse.
Feb
7
Ten Grapes I Ate Anyway
Grape that went under the refrigerator: I swear it bounced off my knee and shot directly under the fridge.
Feb
6
I’m a Matriarch in a Play, and I’m Sure Nothing Bad Will Happen at My Family Gathering
Awfully hot day, isn’t it? It’s always hot here in the summers, but we make do. That’s what the Edgar family does. We make do.
Feb
5
Five Turtles You Saved to Get into College and the Spine-Chilling Deaths They’ve Died Since
From the moment you looked into Doris's eyes, you knew that your father's assistant who majored in Comp Lit at Yale would find the right words to describe them.
Feb
3
I’m an Elite Professional Quarterback, but My Coaches Don’t Trust Me with the Team’s Tablet
When I switched to the New York Times mini-crossword they yelled at me again---and put child locks on so I could only look at replays.
Feb
2
The Enemy of My Enemy
The enemy of my massage therapist, Janet, is her husband, Ricky. That’s no coincidence. They married young when they were so naïve.
Feb
1
Don’t Be Alarmed, This Rollercoaster Is Designed to Get Stuck Upside Down for 75 Minutes
Everyone keeps crying out that the ride is malfunctioning once the coaster is hanging perilously upside down. It’s an intense ride.
Jan
31
Inspiring Adages Reimagined by a 36-Year-Old Writer-Slash-Server
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Because you will never, and I mean never, have central air conditioning.
Jan
30
Negotiations from a Hostage Negotiator Who Clearly Has Some Stuff Going On at Home
How many of the hostages are in relationships? 12? Do they seem like they’re happy?
Jan
29
Are You a Human Sending a Circle Back Email, or an Alien Making a Crop Circle?
Your message may simply be too sophisticated to be understood by lower life forms.
Jan
29
Monologue from the Rat You Made Eye Contact With
I was born here and I’ll die here and so will 500 of my brothers and sisters. You moved to New York City to go to NYU and major in bisexuality.
Jan
27
Easy “Would You Rather…” Questions to Ponder
Would you rather be sentenced to death for something you didn’t do or have a rock in your shoe?
Jan
26
How to Tell If That Beeping Noise Means Your Fridge Is Slightly Ajar or You’re Slowly Dying of Carbon Monoxide Poisoning
A Subtle Jingle Ascending in Scale: Your Bluetooth headphones are alerting you to a dying battery with a gentle cry for sustenance.
Jan
25
Now That I’m Dead, I Totally Understand Your 1-Star Reviews of My Poorly-Managed Graveyard
I’m dead (claw machine accident, I’m sure it was in the papers) and now that I’ve spent enough time floating around, I’m ready to respond.
Jan
24
I’ve Written the Best, or Quite Possibly the Worst, Novel Ever
It’s the very best thing I’ve ever written. Or, it’s the worst book ever typed into existence. Which one it is, I can’t say for sure.
Jan
23
It’s Me, Your Healing Crystal, May I Have a Word?
When you cupped me in your hands and held me up to the light, I thought, “Okay, geologist!” I was excited to go home with you.
Jan
22
Plans for the Jazz Party I’m Throwing My Five-Year-Old Son
Guests are forbidden from bringing presents. Jazz is a gift in itself.
Jan
20
Sit Back, Relax, and Enjoy the Flight in Between My Nonstop Announcements
6:45 AM: Wind speed in the air is currently ten miles per hour, which is something only relevant to me.
Jan
19
Click Here to Opt Out of Selling Your Data to the Hovering Orb
Allowing us to sell your data helps us serve you ads relevant to your interests. Also, the orb is ravenous.
Jan
18
Mount Sinai Hospital Labor and Delivery Unit Class of January ’24 Reunion
Yeah, Mama and I have been good. Just the daily grind, trying to bang out those milestones. You know how it is. Starting to roll over, yep.
Jan
17
Victorian-Era Erotica
Period pieces you may or may not have heard of, including Ringlets Weekly, Knees!, and Hats Off Magazine.
Jan
17
Our Committee Welcomes Fresh Ideas, as Long as They Don’t Conflict with Windowpane Smashing Festival
Holding a fair after the Windowpane Smashing Festival wouldn’t work either because, well, the windowpanes are all smashed, obviously.
Jan
16
An Internal Monologue as I Navigate My Office’s Open Floorplan
70 ft: Screw it, I’m just going to wave. Social norms be damned! 65 ft: Shit, he’s definitely not looking at me.
Jan
15
You Shouldn’t Have Messed with a Philosopher, and I’ll Prove It from First Principles
That’s right, I’d be afraid if I were you too. Afraid of having my actions held up to intellectually rigorous ethical scrutiny!
Jan
13
This Obituary Does Not Give a Cause of Death, but Wouldn’t You Love to Know
An avid motorcycle rider, Ben loved the freedom of the road. And before you jump to conclusions, no, that’s not how he died.
Jan
12
Letterboxd Reviews of “The Thing,” If the “Thing” Was the Dancing Old Man from the Six Flags Ad
★★ I’ve never seen a movie with so much dancing that’s not a musical. I’m so glad Six Flags isn’t a real place.
Jan
11
A Real New Yorker’s Guide to the Real New York, Really
First, don’t ever call it the Big Apple. That’s embarrassing. The locals call it Nork-Nork. As in, “Welcome to Nork-Nork, dumb-dumb!"
Jan
10
Your Mama Jokes from Guy Who Is Clearly in Love with Your Mom
Your mama’s so broke she doesn’t even make cents! Which is a shame because she’s worked hard for everything in this life.
Jan
9
A Customer Service Representative Goes on a Date
That’s great, Sylvia. I’ll just make a note of that for my records. Do you mind if I change the subject while we wait for our server to arrive?
Jan
8
What I Imagine Being a Writer Is Like, Based on Other Creative Fields
Thanks to the PTA and a few passionate teachers, an after-school grammar club is formed so kids like me have a safe place to diagram sentences.
Jan
6
Wedding Vows Written by the World’s Worst Podcaster
Kara, from today onward, you and I will be one in heart, body, and mind. Hey, can we curse on this thing?
Jan
5
Phishing Scams That Would Work On Me
YOU FORGOT MOM’S BIRTHDAY! IT’S TODAY! BUY HER A PRESENT HERE NOW!
Jan
4
My Resolution to Quit Eating Children Is Holding Up!
I know, it’s such a cliché: “This year, no more eating children! Not even the wicked ones!” But it makes sense.
Jan
3
Mood Lighting for Life’s Pivotal Moments
Faerie Lights: For when you’re watching "Garden State" with him for the first time.
Jan
2
I’m a Reality Show Contestant, and I Did Come Here to Make Friends
’m going to run, jump, and climb over anything that stands between me and other people thinking good thoughts about me.
Jan
1
Ok, Buddy, Now You’ve Really Gone and Done It
I don't want to be bad, but I will if I have to. Wait, scratch that. I actually LOVE being bad. And guess what? To me? Being bad feels GOOD.
Dec
30
Tips for Toddlers to Limit Parents’ Screen Time
Be More Interesting Than Whatever Is On Their Screens: You do have one huge advantage over their screens: a direct and genetic link to their vanity.
Dec
29
This Year I Finally Enter the Public Domain
What exciting interpretations will these visionaries have for my scoliosis, receding hairline, and fallen arches?
Dec
28
We’re Your Caramels from Three Christmases Ago, and It’s Very Unclear If We’re Still Good
We figured you just weren’t hungry or something, considering how often you used to snack on us.
Dec
27
Explaining the Reasons for the 1-Star (Out of 5 Stars) Rating I Gave a Book on Amazon
I flipped through it and noticed it had a lot of words, and some of them were long.
Dec
27
This Year Let’s Have a Nice, Relaxing, Low-Key New Year’s Eve Orgy
Just you, me, a $20 bottle of pinot noir, and 5-8 professional sex associates that we host for a no-holes-barred 12-hour touchfest.
Dec
26
My Son Is a Baby and He Looks Nothing like Me
Rodney is a baby and I am an adult man. We look nothing alike. For starters, look at how much smaller Rodney is than me.
Dec
25
I, Bagpipes, Am Also Confused as to Why I’m Part of This Christmas Parade
Listen, I appreciate being included in this Christmas parade but, frankly, I’m not sure why I’m here.
Dec
23
Nelson Family McRibmas Newsletter
Just goes to show you what 520 calories and 24 grams of protein per sandwich can do for your kids.
Dec
22
‘Twas the Flight Before Christmas
My seat had no window, I'd wasted my cash / on a seat in the middle by a guy with a rash
Dec
21
Forget Santa’s Lap, Here’s Where I’m Sitting This Christmas
There is no way ol' Kris Kringle is going to remember what I asked for… until now. This holiday season, he is going to remember my name.
Dec
20
Security Questions Updated for the Modern Age
Which of your family members is now a part of QAnon? What is your first guess on Wordle?
Dec
20
I’m Happy with Anything, as Long as It’s Cash
What do I want for Christmas? Just get me anything. Socks, sweaters, a crisp stack of twenties shoved inside a brown paper bag.
Dec
19
You Need to Stop Cockblocking Me, the Romantic Lead of This Hallmark Holiday Movie
I leaned in super slowly for a kiss when… her freaking precocious daughter popped in so that we could taste the cookies she made.
Dec
18
Tips for Enjoying Our Holiday Market While You Wait in Line to Get In
Wearing multiple warm layers will ensure that you don’t end up in the ER with hypothermia.
Dec
16
The Golden Ticket Survivors Support Group
For everyone telling me to get over it? Remember that I was juiced! As a child!
Dec
15
What Your Latte Milk Preference Says About You
Whole: Expect your life to be "Emily in Paris" but really it’s more like "Frances Ha"
Dec
14
Joseph and Mary Ask Jesus to Come Home for Hanukkah
Your father and I are trying to plan Hanukkah. Think you’ll be able to join us in Nazareth for the last night? You also have a birthday coming up.
Dec
13
Are You Taking a Family Photo or Undergoing a Colonoscopy?
- There’s no chance you’ll walk away with a flattering photo. - You don’t know what to do with your arms.
Dec
13
Our Farewell Tour Has Been Postponed
Sad news to report to Arrowhead fans: At a Cincinnati concert, bassist Valmer DeSota got his long hair stuck in the strings of his bass.
Dec
12
Camping: Just like Being at Home but Shittier
The water is so chalked full of minerals that no matter how hard I try, I cannot get the soap to lather. Just like the shower at home, but shittier.
Dec
11
Best of PIC 2023
Our top picks from 2023, featuring horny astronauts, long-winded toast recipe bloggers, and the tall guy blocking your view.
Dec
11
Are You Getting Enough Protein, Bro?
How many grams of protein do you consume each day? What do you mean you don’t know? Don’t you count your macros, bro?
Dec
9
Deciding Which of My 11,546 Photos to Delete
A Picture of the Loaf of Bread I Made Six Years Ago: My source of pride.
Dec
8
Join Me on a Doctor Crawl for My 26th Birthday
Join me on an epic day of going to all the doctors I’ve been avoiding since I was a teen and will no longer have access to!
Dec
7
As the Man Who Cooked This Hanukkah Dinner, I’m Best Suited to Deal with This Salmonella Outbreak
A brief mea culpa from me: as the lone cook of this dinner, I cannot help but feel that I have to bear at least some responsibility for this.
Dec
6
Childhood Dreams, Revised for Adulthood
Childhood Dream: Live in a mansion. Adult Revision: Live next door to someone who doesn’t own a leaf blower.
Dec
6
Please Listen Carefully as Our Menu Options Have Changed, and Also I Have This New Screenplay Idea
For new patients, let me tell you about the opening scene. We fade in on a beach, sand caked with blood being washed away by the waves!
Dec
5
My Life Is in Shambles but at Least I’m the Star of Four Different Reality Shows
The filming schedules for the shows overlap so that I always have at least two competing crews filming me at once and oftentimes, all four.
Dec
4
Reasons I Will Not Be Posting My Spotify Wrapped That Emphatically Have Nothing to Do with How Humiliating My Results Are
A lot of the information Spotify gives you doesn’t seem that interesting anyway. I don’t even think “Toxic Positivity Delusioncore” is a real genre.
Dec
2
To Whomever Stole My 2007 Volvo XC70: You Have Made a Terrible Mistake
Consider that if you had stolen a different car (like my neighbor’s Prius, as an arbitrary example) and left mine unharmed.
Dec
1
Jesus Christ Struggles with His Imposter Syndrome
“Love one another,” commanded Jesus Christ, continuing, “Does that make any sense? I feel like I’m not making sense. Sorry.”
Nov
30
This Year at COP28, We’re Just Reading Our Fern Gully Smut
Instead of practical commitments, we’ve asked them to show up with the filthiest, horniest fanfic about an environmentalist allegory ever.
Nov
29
Real Amazon Reviews for Decorative Fall Leaf Garland, or Family Gossip About My Bold New Hairstyle?
Doesn’t fall correctly… I don’t know what the ideal shape would be, but this wasn’t it.
Nov
29
Welcome to My Sex Dungeon, Where Anything Up To and Including a Handjob Goes
If there’s a place to get a cheaper, more unpleasant handjob, I’ve probably put them out of business.
Nov
28
Cannabis Is Medicine, Mom—Period
I think you should ask your doctor about how your lower GI issues could be alleviated with a daily regimen of Green Crack.
Nov
27
A Video Game Tutorial for Your Cheap New Apartment
Welcome to Your Cheap New Apartment! Your main quest is to violate your lease without getting caught.
Nov
25
iPhone Screen Time Reports I Actually Need
You scrolled your own Instagram profile for 3 hours last week. You will never get that time back.
Nov
24
More Common Cowboy Problems
“I reckon this town ain’t big enough for The Both of Us, my start-up concept for a novelty cowboy singles bar.”
Nov
23
I Appoint You, Nephew Bryce, as Successor in Our Family’s Line of Crazy Uncles
This family has a rich history of Crazy Uncles ruining Thanksgiving. A tradition that you are now responsible for.
Nov
22
I’m a Gourmet Pepper Mill Who Doesn’t Belong at This Thanksgiving Dinner
What’s that they’re talking about now? "Where’s Aunt June’s fun dip?” The fuck is fun dip? Christ in heaven, this is Thanksgiving!
Nov
21
The Only Thanksgiving Topic We Can’t Discuss: The Cornucopia Grapes
Nothing good will come from yelling about whether there’s a glue spot on the plastic pear that indicates where a neighboring bunch of muscats should be adhered.