Aug
30
Your College English Class, An Introduction to Monetizable I.P.
Students will become acquainted with works of literary importance—or as we refer to them, “leverageable assets with income producing potential.”
Aug
29
Musicals That Probably Would Not Be Popular in New York City
Basically this show is the plot of Guys and Dolls but, inexplicably, there is also one random guy on stage who keeps insulting Derek Jeter.
Aug
28
Finally, a Harmless Alternative to Jurassic Park
Instead of the dangerous, unethical practice of cloning once-extinct dinosaurs, our exhibits are human clones who pretend to be dinosaurs.
Aug
27
My Acceptance Speech After Answering One Question Correctly at Bar Trivia
I am here to keep the small talk alive because everyone else is so locked in that they forget how to socialize.
Aug
26
Are You Playing a Board Game or Bored in a Meeting?
Someone in the room is acting as a leader, and no one is having it
Aug
26
Select Excerpts from a Novel Written by an Author Who Doesn’t Know How to Cook
“One final touch, my dear boy,” his Grandma said, carefully placing an entire stick of butter on top of the dish.
Aug
24
We Are Saddened to Hear of the Passing of This Legendary Actor, but as an Animation Blog, We Can Only Really Mention His CGI Movie from 2007
Applewhite brought a sense of wisdom and dignity to the role of Grandpa Tugboat, the wise old ship that dispenses much-needed advice.
Aug
23
Sorry, This Friend Group Already Has a Photographer
Your deal is Polaroids, right? That’s cute. I don’t mean that in a condescending way.
Aug
22
Times I Have Suspected My Therapist Might Be a Baby
Have you tried burping? What about being burped? It’s okay to be small and fragile sometimes. Or all the time.
Aug
21
How to Tell If Someone Is Faking an Ankle Injury on a Hike
Did they really hurt their ankle or do they just want to stop hiking with you because you brought your own poop bag?
Aug
20
Ten Other Studies ExxonMobil Conducted but Conveniently Didn’t Tell Us About
The study ended after the cone of peach ripple divorced its husband on the grounds that he was having an affair with a strawberry cheesecake.
Aug
19
It Would Be Pointless to Try These Ineffective Tongue Twisters
This Café Makes All The Espresso, I Guess / Sacrifice Something So Grandma Can Leave
Aug
19
Could You Help Me Get Down from This Bunk Bed?
Behind every great man may be a great woman. But behind every great woman is an epic bunk bed.
Aug
17
A Layman’s Guide to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity
Relativity is abstract, I know. Let’s give it some specificity, to see if we can make it more accessible for you.
Aug
16
Peekaboo, It’s Me, the Asshole Driving in Your Blindspot
Those crashing car sensor lights that have been flashing in your side mirror for 12 miles now? That’s all me, man.
Aug
15
A Voicemail from Your Girlfriend (She Fell Down a Well)
I really don’t want to be a burden, but would you mind coming to help me? Only if it’s on your way home from the office.
Aug
14
This Star Wars Tattoo Actually Had a Really Cool Backstory in the Old Continuity
You probably know it as the royal insignia of Prince Cuddles from Planet Wuv, curator of the Garden of Rainbows and Dreams.
Aug
13
Of Course I Have a Bottle Opener on Me, It’s My Entire Personality
I’m a bit of a superhero, if you think about it. I’ve got all sorts of bottle openers on me at all times.
Aug
12
Tasting Notes of Cocktails You Will Not Be Ordering
There’s no way you’re shouting “SEX ON THE BEACH, PLEASE” over the too loud music.
Aug
10
What to Do Before Everyone Returns from Italy
Remind yourself that you don’t even like Aperol that much and that everyone who says they do is probably lying, at least a little.
Aug
9
This Pasta Recipe Features Just 3 Ingredients and an Exasperating Fixation on Authenticity!
Find a wedge that’s been subjected to a sniff inspection by the Sotterraneo Talpa Cieca di Dicenzo (The Underground Blind Mole People of Dicenzo).
Aug
8
A Message from the Book You Just Claimed to Have Read
Just because I’m an essay collection does not mean you get to neglect a third of my chapters and count me toward your summer Goodreads goal.
Aug
7
I’m Going through a Lot Right Now, but I Won’t Let That Impact My Narration of This Nature Documentary
From the grandiose giraffe to Anders, this guy that works out at the gym my girlfriend goes to. All life, great and small, depends on water.
Aug
6
I May Be an Ivy League-Educated Novelist, but the Denim Work Shirt in My Author’s Photo Says I’m Working Class
Whenever the sincerity of my work is doubted, I always point to my author’s photo as evidence of a life lived.
Aug
5
Our Boutique Hotel Isn’t Like Other Boutique Hotels
You're in for a unique experience that's unlike every other boutique hotel's unique experience.
Aug
3
Can I Tour Your Bathroom? It’s an Emergency
As my dearest mother used to say: "You can tell a lot about an apartment by their lobby’s bathroom."
Aug
2
I’m the $1500 Macbook You Bought for Writing and I’m Definitely Not Judging You for Just Using Me to Watch Videos of Airplanes Landing
I mean, that’s fine isn’t it? I cost $1500, I’m considered to be the best laptop on the market right now.
Aug
1
At Pirate’s Landing Funeral Home, We’ll Treat You with the Dignity You Desaaarrrrve
We at Pirate’s Landing Funeral Home take a human-first approach to plannin’ a swashbucklin’ goodbye.
Jul
31
Conversation Topics Short Enough to Complete with My Barber While I, a Nearly Entirely Bald 55-Year-Old Man, Get My Hair Cut
Good reasons for anyone, anywhere, under any circumstances, to buy, make, or consume a blueberry bagel.
Jul
31
Just Confirming Some Details of Your Flower Delivery Order
It looks from your notes that you’d like a "colony of fire ants with the vengeance of a thousand suns."
Jul
30
Atlas Carries the Weight of the World on His Shoulders? Big Deal—I Am a Woman with a Heavy Purse
I am a mortal woman in the 21st century, and I carry more tonnage on one shoulder every single day. Go on. Touch my trapezius muscle.
Jul
29
I Made Some Educated Guesses on This Guide to Trucker Slang
10-4: Truckers believe that it is bad luck to say the number 40 because this was the number of years the Israelites wandered in the desert.
Jul
27
I Honestly Prefer Being Alone—Unless You Want to Hang Out?
You might think it’s strange how much time I spend on my own. You might even call it “sad” or “a little concerning.”
Jul
26
Diary Entries of Batholomew, Jesus’s Least Memorable Apostle
I’ve been in the apostles' crew for almost a year now, but Jesus still makes me wear a nametag every time we hang out.
Jul
25
I Am Tired of the Entertainment Industry Being Populated Exclusively by Beppo Babies (People Who Grew up Eating at the Italian Chain Restaurant Buca Di Beppo)
Some people don't seem to understand how being a Beppo baby is such a big advantage in the industry.
Jul
24
Book Jacket Testimonials or British Kennel Club Breed Standards?
Warm and wide-ranging and wise, a wonderful companion. Plenty of substance but free of clumsiness. Neither cloddy nor cobby.
Jul
24
I’m Your Loved One in a Movie and I’m Definitely Not About to Die
I know I’ve been closed off my entire life, but, I don’t know, there’s something about right now that just makes me want to bare my soul to you.
Jul
23
My Bat Mitzvah Speech, More or Less Verbatim
I said I was sorry, and Sam said it was okay and that he would stop taking my iPod. This is one example of misunderstandings outside of the Torah.
Jul
22
As Your Dentist, I’m Required to Floss You So Hard That Your Soul Leaves Your Body
Now that I’ve got maximum hold of the floss, I will dig it into your gums so hard that your teeth feel loose.
Jul
20
“Democracy Will Perish Unless You Follow Me on Social Media”—A Note from Your Congressman
Did you see my tweet from this morning saying I take everyone’s concerns seriously, accompanied by a gif from The Office?
Jul
19
Illnesses to Fake to Get Out of a Destination Wedding
Since Pink Eye is usually thought of as a children’s illness, there is a level of grossness that comes with admitting you have it.
Jul
18
Seriously, Can You Do This Word Search for Me
And if you find any let me know. Maybe write down anything you do find and make a note of where it was. Try to be thorough though.
Jul
17
Buddy? You Just Messed with the RIGHT Guy!
Worried I might embark on a border-spanning bloody warpath? You think I have that many air miles saved up?
Jul
16
I’m the Conductor Yelling “Alllllll Aboard” at the Train Station and I Love Watching You Kiss
I’ve delayed trains for hours at a time just to let couples wet each other’s face holes before departure.
Jul
15
Every Person at Your Job
THE BOSS: This is your BOSS. It’s in all caps, because he (it’s a man, always a man) wants you to be clear that he is your BOSS.
Jul
13
Key Takeaways from the Burger Slut Annual Marketing Review
While threats from Panini Whore and other provocatively-named franchises in the region are growing, the Burger Slut position remains strong.
Jul
12
This Can’t Be Paris Because I Don’t Hear Any Damn Accordions
Everybody knows that Paris and accordion music go together like baguettes and butter, cheese and wine, waiters and rudeness.
Jul
11
The Top 10 People I’m Almost Certain My Wife Will Leave Me For
The Owner of My Once-Beloved Bodega: He’ll call her Boss in the same velvety tone that once stilled my heart.
Jul
10
Corrections to Last Week’s Guided Meditation
For one of the times when I said exhale, I meant inhale. I did not mean to instruct you to do double exhales.
Jul
9
Vanity Fair Administers the Proust Questionnaire to a Person Who’s Been Trapped Inside a Cave for 40 Days
The most important qualities a man can have are leadership, integrity, and enough forearm strength to pull himself over an 8-foot ledge.
Jul
8
The Five Stages of Drake Fan Grief
It can be hard to believe that he won’t be coming back with another flaccid diss track full of trash punchlines.
Jul
6
Sycophant for Hire
For a small fee and a variable surcharge, I will shower your fragile ego with the praise it doesn’t, and will likely never, deserve.
Jul
5
Sherlock Holmes, Observational Comic
You ever notice how in Los Angeles the dirt is a brownish-red color, but in New York it’s a reddish-brown color?
Jul
4
Updated Rules for Our Town’s Annual Rubber Duck Race
No glass bottles. No breaking glass bottles. No threatening Duck Race volunteers with broken glass bottles.
Jul
3
The U.S. Begs England to Take Them Back
It blows my mind that we used to be one country, isn’t that wild? But enough about me. Tell me what have you been up to?
Jul
2
Please Complete This Brief Survey About Your Recent Elevator Ride
When you read the option “Going down,” what was your reaction? ⚪ Turned on ⚪ Grossed out
Jul
1
New from Bank of America: Feet Pic Appraisals™
Simply follow the prompts, upload a few well-lit, ankle-down images, and let Bank of America’s integrated AI do the rest!
Jun
29
I, the Sitcom Laugh Track, Am Ready to Be Considered for Dramatic Roles
I studied Strasberg with Laura Dern. I, too, was in the original Jurassic Park before Steven Spielberg edited me out.
Jun
28
The World Yacht Tipping Finals, Only on WhaleWorld Sports Network
Throwing out the ceremonial sea lion is actor Brendan Fraser, who starred in "The Whale" and has been known to compete in yacht tipping competitions himself.
Jun
27
We Are Cicadas Who Have Been Underground Since the Obama Administration
Now, front legs clasped, we surge skyward to a world replete with the bounties of over a decade of equality and universal healthcare!
Jun
26
My Shameless Piece of Oscar Bait Failed and It’s Not Fair
Just where do you fair-weather fans get off not spending your meager savings on tickets to see a multimillionaire’s vanity project?
Jun
25
An Important Announcement from the Makers of the Big Burlap Sack with a Dollar Sign On It
We take pride in our product. We know that there is no better feeling than tossing a big burlap sack over your shoulder after a big heist.
Jun
24
Interview Questions for Potential Employers Who Refuse to Reveal the Salary
The job description mentioned “complimentary fruit." Could you please elaborate? As in, what fruit are we talking about?
Jun
24
Top Seven Essential, Must-See, Can’t-Miss Destinations If You’re a Migrating Goose
Bar Harbor, Maine: Honk if you love pine trees! So chic, so luxe, so full of rose-soaked French fries and whoopie pies for the stealing.
Jun
22
How to Talk to Your Friend Who Is a Bad Driver
Instead of focusing on what the driver hit (a tree), or nearly hit (another tree), remember to notice the things they didn’t hit.
Jun
21
Notifications from Your Sleep-Deprived Mac
Your Mac is overheating. Your Mac can’t stop looking up the symptoms of rare computer viruses.
Jun
20
Things I’m Doing With My Feelings Besides Sitting with Them
I’m staring directly at my feelings until my feelings feel uncomfortable and move away. I’m fighting over the armrest with my feelings.
Jun
19
Apartment Listings in a Cyberpunk Dystopia
Historical Building, Mysterious Circumstance Me: A detective with amnesia and a cauterized head wound. You: Want to fill my second bedroom.
Jun
18
I’m the Check, and Before You Split Me Thirty-Seven Ways, Can I Please Just Say This One Thing?
Then I guess you'll either frame me or paste me into a scrapbook or something. Either way, I'm just excited to begin the next phase of my journey.
Jun
17
Writing a Thriller or Repairing the Basement Toilet?
- Everything is interconnected, but how? - Things get real messy, real fast
Jun
17
Adobe Hypnotizes You with their Updated Terms of Service for A.I.
You're getting very sleepy... when you wake up, A.I. will make your life worth living.
Jun
15
Attention, Diners! I Am Going to Eat the Rest of This Sandwich
And whose hand is this? Do we know whose hand is attached to this abandoned sandwich?
Jun
14
How Early You Should Arrive to Things According to Your Dad
The Airport: For domestic flights, you should wake up at 4 a.m. and drive directly to the airport, no matter what time of day the flight is.
Jun
13
Who Could Win a Tony Award This Year?
Any theatre professional who doesn’t win a Tony is dropped by their agent and forced to go renew their real estate license.
Jun
12
I Didn’t Research My Historical Baseball Novel Very Carefully
The whole town had gathered in the stands, because they were too poor to afford a place in the seats.
Jun
11
The Missing Diary of a Serial Killer, or Possibly of a Toddler-Parent
I think about how life could have been easier if I’d just stayed the course and resisted certain… urges.
Jun
10
I Have Once Again Left a YouTube Comment Quoting the Third-Funniest Line from the Video
Art is supposed to challenge us, to make us think, to make us laugh, to make us uncomfortable, and to make us say, “I remember that line from the video I just watched.”
Jun
8
Do You Have 5 Minutes to Talk About New Jersey’s Plastic Bag Ban?
Moving along. Shoot, these pages are out of order, gimme one sec... Here it is... Prompts for the "AWARE, BUT UNENTHUSED."
Jun
7
I Know We’re All Having a Great Time at This Party, but What If We Played a Game Instead?
Yeah, low-stakes mingling is fun, but getting to explain the rules of rummy to a captive audience makes me feel alive.
Jun
6
Top 10 Reasons I Still Need a Cowboy to Take Me Away in 2024
Milk is fucking expensive. Let the cows bring me both my free dairy and the ability to skip the long Sunday checkout lines at the local Target.
Jun
5
Save Money on Your Next Ride with Uber’s Bargain Bin!
Shaniqua is a life coach. When she asks, “What’s your destination?” she doesn’t mean on this trip; she’s talking about your life’s journey.
Jun
4
A Referance Lettr 4 my Firrst Grayde Teecher 4 Ur Aplebeeez Summr Brake Serving Job
Her name is Miss S and she would be sucha goood servr cuz she is soo good at teeching me about all kind of stuff.
Jun
3
How to Tell If It’s Another Boring Day at the Office or If You’re Secretly Being Filmed for a Reality TV Prank Show
Don’t end up on a hilarious, reality prank show like "Milk or Sumo!"
Jun
1
The Live Theatre Experience: Etiquette and Survival Tips
This is also a good time to unwrap any candies or cough drops for which you anticipate a need and to pre-chew noisy crackers.
May
31
A Viking’s Travel Guide for Your Next Voyage to Vancouver
For all you foodies out there, you should know that very few alehouses carry meade, let alone fresh horsemeat.
May
30
Are You a Werewolf, Or Did You Eat Too Much Cheese Last Night?
You manage to get upright. The movement unsettles something inside of you. You groan, but do not recognize the sound.
May
29
Soliloquy from the Chair at the Bottom of the Stack
Look at me! Perfectly shaped for ass! And yet the ass does not want me.
May
28
The Burgeoning Collection of Unnecessary Screenshots on Your Phone
Solar eclipse pathways for the next twenty years, so that you can prepare ahead.
May
27
An Open Letter to the Man Who’s Liked Me on Hinge Five Times
My profile specifically states I'm looking for "the Jim to my Pam," meanwhile you're still "figuring out your relationship type."
May
25
Your Local Weed Guy Has Been Acquired by MegaTech
It’s still me, the same old Gary, but now I’m backed by a mega-cap corporate behemoth. You can just call me Gary Delivery Brought to You by MegaTech.
May
24
I’m Alexander the Great’s Brother and This Reunion Sucks
No Alex was a few years behind us. I’m Allen. See my nametag? Alex is probably off expanding the limits of the Western world or something, the madman.
May
23
Introducing Claritin-UB: The Only Allergy Medication for Used Bookstores
The haunted attic-tested formula will have you back to browsing through buttermilk-colored paperbacks in as few as 30 minutes.
May
22
Did I Tell You I Take Cold Showers Now?
My god, are my mornings agonizing! But it’s all worth it. The ice shards in the body wash act as an exfoliant and all day long my skin radiates.
May
21
Myths and Facts About Balloon Animals
Myth: Balloon animals hate humans for cursing them with life. Fact: Balloon animals only hate the specific human who inflated them.
May
20
When “Your Password Is Insecure” vs. When “Your Password Is Confident”
Your Password Is Insecure: password Your Password Is Confident: Password.Period.
May
20
How to Still Be the Main Character of Your Friend Group Even Though One of Your Friends Got Hit by a Car
Now, is it sad? Of course. But the problem lies within people being concerned about her... more than they pay attention to you.
May
18
Please Ban My Book, I Need the Exposure
Presales numbers are important to publishers, and a high-profile banishment is the 2024 version of an Oprah’s Book Club Sticker.
May
17
I May Be a Worm and I May Be Tantalizing, But Trust Me, Trout, You Don’t Want to Eat Me
Haven’t you noticed your friends and family disappearing? It never once crossed your mind to file a missing fish report?
May
16
I, Your Dead Wife, Want You to Remember This Romantic Moment While You’re Avenging Me
You’ll want to remember this before you charge into your first big gun battle with Dmitri the Razor’s anonymous henchmen and make your pain theirs.
May
15
It Is My Great Honor to Introduce Our Next Guest Speaker Who Will Then Be Introducing Tonight’s Keynote Speaker
When I heard I would be given the honor of introducing tonight’s penultimate speaker, you could imagine my excitement.