Bar Harbor, Maine: Honk if you love pine trees! So chic, so luxe, so full of rose-soaked French fries and whoopie pies for the stealing.
Instead of focusing on what the driver hit (a tree), or nearly hit (another tree), remember to notice the things they didn’t hit.
Your Mac is overheating. Your Mac can’t stop looking up the symptoms of rare computer viruses.
I’m staring directly at my feelings until my feelings feel uncomfortable and move away. I’m fighting over the armrest with my feelings.
Historical Building, Mysterious Circumstance Me: A detective with amnesia and a cauterized head wound. You: Want to fill my second bedroom.
Then I guess you'll either frame me or paste me into a scrapbook or something. Either way, I'm just excited to begin the next phase of my journey.
- Everything is interconnected, but how? - Things get real messy, real fast
You're getting very sleepy... when you wake up, A.I. will make your life worth living.
And whose hand is this? Do we know whose hand is attached to this abandoned sandwich?
The Airport: For domestic flights, you should wake up at 4 a.m. and drive directly to the airport, no matter what time of day the flight is.
Any theatre professional who doesn’t win a Tony is dropped by their agent and forced to go renew their real estate license.
The whole town had gathered in the stands, because they were too poor to afford a place in the seats.
I think about how life could have been easier if I’d just stayed the course and resisted certain… urges.
Art is supposed to challenge us, to make us think, to make us laugh, to make us uncomfortable, and to make us say, “I remember that line from the video I just watched.”
Moving along. Shoot, these pages are out of order, gimme one sec... Here it is... Prompts for the "AWARE, BUT UNENTHUSED."
Yeah, low-stakes mingling is fun, but getting to explain the rules of rummy to a captive audience makes me feel alive.
Milk is fucking expensive. Let the cows bring me both my free dairy and the ability to skip the long Sunday checkout lines at the local Target.
Shaniqua is a life coach. When she asks, “What’s your destination?” she doesn’t mean on this trip; she’s talking about your life’s journey.
Her name is Miss S and she would be sucha goood servr cuz she is soo good at teeching me about all kind of stuff.
Don’t end up on a hilarious, reality prank show like "Milk or Sumo!"
This is also a good time to unwrap any candies or cough drops for which you anticipate a need and to pre-chew noisy crackers.
For all you foodies out there, you should know that very few alehouses carry meade, let alone fresh horsemeat.
You manage to get upright. The movement unsettles something inside of you. You groan, but do not recognize the sound.
Look at me! Perfectly shaped for ass! And yet the ass does not want me.
Solar eclipse pathways for the next twenty years, so that you can prepare ahead.
My profile specifically states I'm looking for "the Jim to my Pam," meanwhile you're still "figuring out your relationship type."
It’s still me, the same old Gary, but now I’m backed by a mega-cap corporate behemoth. You can just call me Gary Delivery Brought to You by MegaTech.
No Alex was a few years behind us. I’m Allen. See my nametag? Alex is probably off expanding the limits of the Western world or something, the madman.
The haunted attic-tested formula will have you back to browsing through buttermilk-colored paperbacks in as few as 30 minutes.
My god, are my mornings agonizing! But it’s all worth it. The ice shards in the body wash act as an exfoliant and all day long my skin radiates.
Myth: Balloon animals hate humans for cursing them with life. Fact: Balloon animals only hate the specific human who inflated them.
Your Password Is Insecure: password Your Password Is Confident: Password.Period.
Now, is it sad? Of course. But the problem lies within people being concerned about her... more than they pay attention to you.
Presales numbers are important to publishers, and a high-profile banishment is the 2024 version of an Oprah’s Book Club Sticker.
Haven’t you noticed your friends and family disappearing? It never once crossed your mind to file a missing fish report?
You’ll want to remember this before you charge into your first big gun battle with Dmitri the Razor’s anonymous henchmen and make your pain theirs.
When I heard I would be given the honor of introducing tonight’s penultimate speaker, you could imagine my excitement.
I remember when you nervously called your ‘rents at your first “real party” because someone offered you a sip of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
I Didn’t Kill Jillian, Per Se, But I Am Indirectly Responsible for Her Death and While It Haunts Me, I Am Still a Redeemable Character
A salad? After Labor Day? I don’t think so. I passed the salad place and said to myself, “Not today. Today is Tuesday. Tacos.”
Henry has been doing our newsletter since 1986. He’s a little set in his ways, but we love him.
Please donate to give this very solidly upper-middle-class couple their dream honeymoon. These kids (they’re 34) deserve the best.
People of all nations, races, and creeds forgot their differences and grabbed hands with, randomly, my middle school gym teacher. But it totally felt normal that she was there, if that makes any sense?
Mr. Jensen has not won eight gold medals in curling. In fact, it’s unclear whether or not Mr. Jensen has even seen curling before.
I just thought it would be fun to spice things up this time—literally in the case of that ominously bubbling aluminum tray at the end of the row!
In the distance, you hear the echo of someone repeatedly muttering, “Mingus Ah Um.”
“Thanks for taking the time to meet.” Alright, I see. I took the time to meet. I did you a favor, huh.
Wow, coral, fish, AND crabs—sounds biodiverse as hell. Whatcha gonna call it? The… “sunlight zone”?
We are especially pleased to announce that one of our program participants was named one of “30 Under 30 Feet of Water.” (Best of luck, Bubbles!)
We dispatch a man with a plastic bag (full of loose Arizona iced teas) to stare at her so hard she gets the dry sweats.
If your therapist asks you whether Jason is your father, calmly explain that he’s your college friend’s old roommate.
Judicial combat is a seminal moment and, with a record of 22-0 (humans) and 1-1 (trumpeter swan, with rematch), you’ve come to the right person for advice!
That’s when Cookie Monster start to wonder, who real monster…
I come downstairs and kiss my wife, Taylor Swift, and ruffle the hair of my son, Taylor Swift.
My metaphysical hands are tied. It’s up to the collective hearts and minds of all that have been, that are, and that have yet to be.
John feels that trick questions on standardized tests are A) Necessary, B) Vexing, C) Forgromulent, or D) A word we made up just to trick John?
The main characters will be named Tad, Morglee, Suppa, and Caldwater. They are all incredibly hot but still unpleasant to look at.
I said similar color blocks. No, SIMILAR color! What the hell, are you stupid or something?
For every barrel of oil sold, a mid-level sales associate enters a tally mark into a Google spreadsheet.
Soon we'll live in a world where Neuralink will let us surf the internet just by thinking about it and bleeding from our eyes.
Anti-Christ. Bizarro-God. The Divinaughty. Providen’t. The horn in horny. The original Pitchfork Media. The devil you know.
Hey Google, search “affordable therapists near me,” and please read the results to the tune of “Baby Shark.”
Later I realized the pins shouldn’t have had an extended death sequence where they struggle on the ground pleading for their life.
We regret to inform you we won't be able to offer you a position at this time. We'll always wonder what could have been.
Our menu? Menu…. Oh, the "menu"! Yes, sorry, didn’t follow what you meant at first. We can’t remember the last time someone actually asked for that.
A bank teller overeager to waive overdraft fees on my debit card in an attempt to maintain our relationship.
Two friends book a cabin with two beds on Airbnb, but upon arriving they realize the second bed is actually a yoga mat with a blanket and pillow.
It’s not all caviar and champagne; just some of it--like 40 percent. SHUT UP! Don’t speak. I have a lot to say.
I do take issue with whoever claimed the domain liveauctionfor115belleview.net and started an all-out bidding war for my family’s home.
If you have an insatiable lust for owing thousands of dollars to a university, then don't let other people's warnings slow you down.
You know what rips you to shreds? [synonym for life]. [slang term for a woman in the 1970s], let’s get married.
Somewhere along the way, every single person I’ve ever known got the idea that silly socks were the thing I cherished most.
“Candidates should be comfortable with ambiguity.” Translation: We have no idea what’s going on.
After an extensive journey of self-learning which some have called a “downward spiral,” it is obvious this agony is a rare inoperable cystic cancer.
- Queenside Tuscaloosa - DeVry-Phoenix Main Line - The Jay Leno Trap
If you pat me on the back, I’d prefer to feel like it’s because I earned it.
But all that really matters is how you can sell a bunch of kitchen knives on Etsy by starting a company called "Julius Caesar Knives."
Every Tuesday during that weird evening time slot where nobody you call picks up we’ve been coming here to air out our grievances away from you.
When I was four, I knew I was in my prime. Solidly potty trained, only three teeth missing, able to draw both unicorns and school buses.
What business is it of yours if I put mango in my risotto? Hm?
You’re telling us that our beloved home--a place where many Hagen-Hogan BrätBoy Brats™ have been happily consumed--isn’t worth your time?
Kevin’s voice sounds like Dad’s. Except it cracks walls and sets off car alarms, and also he accidentally stepped on a school bus.
While UBO might not be part of the “Ivy League,” it is part of something called the “Platinum Preferred Double Points Club."
Stranger Tier: The stranger package has been updated to eliminate basic greetings and small talk.
A ménage à deux, so to speak. After all, the only thing better than sex with nobody is sex with somebody.
Day 2,121: In my book, only cowards change their email when a better and more convenient option becomes available.
The man thought of all the places he had seen “For Sale” signs. He had seen them in boutiques and department stores and flea markets.
A childhood love of swords became an adulthood of arguing with my spouse about turning our foyer into a showroom of my medieval cutlery collection.
And she did reply, "No, they are of no concern to us. Let them wander in the desert. We shall begin… Project Babylon."
If you care deeply about results and have at least four buddies named Tyler, we can’t wait to meet you.
I’m not stalling, I swear, I just need to Google best-stretches-running-question-mark.
Dear Future Pulitzer Winner: Out of our hundreds of submissions, not a single one has the cachet to pull our magazine out of the pit of tedium.
Trust is more than just a word to us—it's a word we now use twice in our name. See how trustworthy we are?
As you level up, possible life paths include True Crime Podcasting and Stay-At-Home Child.
Now, there was another creature I longed to ride, ____________ [normal man’s name except all vowels replaced with Ys].
Look, I know I’ve made mistakes in the past. The kicking. The jabbing. The grabbing. I was a real loose cannon there for a while.
I’ll cut to the chase-Please stop running blackjack tables out of the CubeSmart.
I'll never forget how safe you made me feel, the way you blocked the SGLT2 found in the proximal tubules of nephrotic components in my kidneys.
Say… you there, clinging to the railing for dear life: would you like to hear some facts about jazz?
Every one of His punchlines, every expression He makes to elicit a laugh must be met with an unequivocal, unmistakable outburst. Or else.