Hey My Man,
I’m dropping you a line on this encrypted messaging service to check in about some recent changes to my business model. There’s a lot of money pouring into the narcotics space right now, and I wanted in, so… I sold out to MegaTech. If you can’t beat ‘em, joint ‘em, right?
It’s still me, the same old Gary, but now I’m backed by a mega-cap corporate behemoth. You can just call me Gary Delivery Brought to You by MegaTech. Don’t worry; I still handle the quality control side of things—making sure you get the best product possible—but my new partner MegaTech (they have very much stressed that this is a partnership, not a takeover) takes care of all the logistics and UX, terms I learned three minutes ago.
Instead of having me come to your house, not take my shoes off, and use your bathroom without permission, you can now pick up your stuff in a conveniently located MegaHub locker. Just scan your retinas and voila! No, you’re not just being paranoid: MegaTech will absolutely use your biodata for third-party marketing purposes. But just think of the convenience while you smash that “accept terms and conditions” button, bro.
In an effort to combat global warming and appease our ESG-minded investors, the Gary team is going carbon neutral. Remember my old Ford Windstar that I sometimes made you come sit in? You know, the one with the sick mini-fridge? MegaTech is replacing it with a fleet of electric trucks that will clog up most major cities by 2025.
A new feature exclusive to Gary Delivery brought to you by MegaTech is the Whole Foods model of substitutions. Like Whole Foods shoppers, I will also give you just about whatever I feel like. You wanted pot? Sorry, we’re out of that. How about some loose pills? I don’t consider the effect you were going for or your budget—you get whatever we have, and what we mostly have is Stevia that I tell you is Ketamine.
Folks like you deserve to feel like the corporations you patronize care about you. And we do. If you’re having a problem, chat with one of our customer success bots, and we’ll figure out how to remedy the situation. Did your product arrive half-used? Sorry about that! Laced with rat poison? We’ll do better next time! We promise.
Note to customers having a bad trip: our agents are here to talk you down between 9 AM and 7 PM EST Monday through Friday. Good luck to all the weekend warriors out there—you’re on your own.
Trust me when I tell you that exciting things are happening over here. Like our new members-only service Gary Plus. Paying $185 a year forever will give you the exclusive right to spend as much money as you want! Neat, right? You can even turn on automatic re-buys, turning your “habit” into a “subscription.”
Still not convinced that these are positive changes? Here’s a sampling of 5-star reviews of recent deliveries:
Cocaine: Gary is a LEGEND! FIVE STARS! WOO!!!!
Marijuana: got it from a locker like it’s high school lol.
Ambien: [this comment was deleted for violating community guidelines].
Adderall: I just cleaned the bathtub six times and we don’t even have a bathtub five stars thank u Gary.
These results speak for themselves. We’re bringing you the neighborhood feel of a mom-and-pop shop alongside the inaccessible coldness of a multinational pseudo-monopoly. What more could you want? Seriously, click the link and register right now. Do it! Gary Plus Day is just around the corner, and the deals will be too dank to miss.
Warmly,
Gary (Brought to You by MegaTech)
P.S. Don’t forget to submit those retinal scans.