The final, most difficult step of my plan: don't act like a total creepy freak in front of other people all the time ever again.
I’m a Republican Building a Coalition with Democrats, and You Should Stop Worrying About Me Spending So Much Time with Your Wife
It’s been proven time and time again that this country thrives when we reach across the aisle, civilly shake hands, and give our wives their space.
The phone is for calling the bullpen, not pranking the loser ump by telling him his wife is in labor.
No one knows more about getting from point A to point B with lethal efficiency than Zippy the Jetpack Boy -- that this is bound to rub off on the job.
I am a robot whose contribution to popular culture burned bright but was brief. No one cares about Mars Rover anymore, because it's not 2003.
You can bet that Alfonso Cuaron is winning Best Director for Roma. It’s as plain as the socks that are still on my feet, babe.
@fuckjerry even went back to my high school, played "Riff" in "West Side Story," and used all my ad libs just to twist the knife.
I know I certainly didn't fight my way through twelve miles of wilderness with no face to allow big government to turn all of our kids autistic.
The internet is abuzz ranking the four hunky and hot Hollywood "Chrises" from favorite to least favorite. My rankings are more comprehensive.
For the Improviser: If you’re looking to give a gift that lasts, offer them $450 to never improvise again.
"The Royal Tenenbaums" is a movie about people who have so much money but also no money, which I promise you, folks, I promise you that's possible.
Burton. Wendy. You can’t do a duet of “Something Stupid” as Jean is lowered into the ground.