In my experience as a prominent Bush-era republican, I know at least one thing: Joe Biden won the election thanks to the good-faith efforts of people like me to rally conservative Americans away from Trump. What a Democrat like you should worry about are the efforts of progressive activists to alienate sensible Americans like you and me from the Democratic party platform. Just as a point of comparison, something that should not worry you about is how much alone time I’ve been spending with your wife Jeanie.
It’s been proven time and time again that this country thrives when we reach across the aisle, civilly shake hands, and give our wives their space. Most Americans can agree on a few basic principles: the freedom to own sports franchises, the right to take a brisk walk in the morning while wearing a fleece vest, and that there’s no harm bopping a little whipped cream on Jeanie’s nose when I bring over ice cream to eat while you’re at work at MSNBC.
The problem is, we’ve got people on the fringes of society threatening to tear our alliance apart! People taking to the streets in random places like Detroit and Philadelphia and Atlanta, demanding that your party back things like Medicare for All, and a Green New Deal, and defunding the police. Ludicrous! Almost as ludicrous as the notion that there’s any impropriety involved in my taking Jeanie out to go see a screening of Eyes Wide Shut at the local drive-in theater on Friday—leaning back in our seats, opening the sunroof, and looking up at the stors (I misspelled “stars” intentionally. That’s an inside joke between me and Jeanie).
It’s okay if you and I still quibble over the particulars, as long as we’re starting these important conversations. Just like the time I said to Jeanie, “Remember how great Eyes Wide Shut was?” which sparked a great, innocent conversation about the logistics of group sex at my family’s Connecticut estate as we looked up how much fancy masks cost on Amazon.
I get it—it’s hard to bury the hatchet after years of divisiveness between our parties just like that. It’s hard to make friends as adults! Jeanie and I have found we’ve really bonded by talking about her interests, like being dissatisfied in her marriage, as well as my interests, like the justifiable invasion of Iraq.
But believe me, if it appears to you that I’m just taking advantage of liberal distaste for the aesthetics of Trumpism to pull the Democrats further to the right and make a new political home for myself under the guise of bipartisanship? That’s just crazy talk. On a totally different note, if it appears to you that I’m reaching out and tenderly tucking a lock of hair behind your wife Jeanie’s ear as we whisper to each other in the stairwell at your Christmas party, I’m actually just doing that the way you would for a buddy.
Let’s just keep our eyes on the prize. In a few months, we’re going to be celebrating our shared goal of shredding America’s last social safety net like wet tissue paper, and your wife is not going to be giving you a Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut monologue about how she’s met someone else.
Let me be clear. I am in no way, shape, or voluptuous form attempting to make a cuckold of you. I’m just a normal, conservative guy, standing in front of a slightly less conservative guy, asking him to make sure fracking isn’t banned. And if you don’t believe me, well, perhaps you’d be interested in purchasing this bridge instead.