When @fuckjerry stole my killer tweet about a subway delay, that tweet got them hundreds of followers and a book deal. I got nothing. But they didn’t stop there.

I was despondent, and naturally went to the arcade to blow off steam. But when I loaded up my favorite game, Car Racer, my high score was gone! Instead of the initials “GRT,” it just said “@fuckjerry!” I called over the arcade manager, Ryan.

“Ryan, what the hell?” I said. “What happened here?”

Ryan shrugged. “@fuckjerry came by, saw your high score, and said ‘I did that.’ Then I did give them $25,000.”

Boy, do I wish that was the end of it. @fuckjerry also locked me out of my Zipcar account, and now I can hardly go anywhere! @fuckjerry went back to my high school and played “Riff” in West Side Story and did all my ad libs, just to twist the knife.

@fuckjerry even earned the loyalty of my champion horse, who won’t even look at me when I see him at the tracks. The horse also gave @fuckjerry $25,000.

Finally, I went home and @fuckjerry was at the dinner table with my wife Madeline and our beautiful daughter Eliza.

“What are you doing here,” I said. “Get away from my family! You’re @fuckjerry!”

“No,” said @fuckjerry. “I’m Graham Techler.” They pointed to a pin on their lapel that said, “I’m Graham Techler.”

“I’m sorry, Graham,” said my wife. “But our family’s Terms and Conditions don’t prohibit this kind of thing.”

Eliza just looked at me, confused, and said: “who the @fuckjerry are you?” Then the cops dragged me out of my house for trespassing and gave @fuckjerry $25,000.

After drowning my sorrows at the local watering hole (starting a new bar tab, since @fuckjerry was now using mine), I had an idea.

And as I plunged from the top of the Chrysler Building, I was confident that @fuckjerry would steal my very body and soul, such that when I hit the ground, it would be @fuckjerry, and not I, who exploded in a disgusting spray of intellectual property theft, which, thankfully, is exactly what happened.

Someone did walk by and throw $25,000 on the body. But that’s okay.