With the Christmas season heating up, you are likely feeling a sense of extreme peace and goodwill towards the artist/content generator, or “creative,” in your life. Just as no two “creatives” are alike, each “creative” can be picky and difficult to shop for. Whether your “creative” is a child, significant other, or just a particularly high-maintenance friend you’re bad at drawing boundaries with, use this handy guide to make sure you get your “creative” just what they want this year.

For the Aging Playwright:

Sounds like your “creative” has already been languishing in a dead art form for 20+ years and if they aren’t Wallace Shawn himself then they probably look like him. A rejuvenating skin cream won’t bring back the halcyon days of a commercially viable Off-Broadway theatre, but it’s the next best thing.

For the Second-Year MFA Student:

Your “creative” is getting good at a lot of things. Vivid imagery. Formatting. Using adjectives as nouns. But they can never have enough fake publication credits to pad out those cover letters. Incorporate The Weehawken Review as an LLC to help cover their tracks.

For the Freelance TV Critic:

I know, “for the man who has everything,” right? But no. Despite their high-rolling lifestyle, your “creative” is missing one essential thing this Christmas. Your “creative” does not own a television—the one object their pride won’t let them ask for. Plus, because they are not the Second-Year MFA Student, they have no one to tell them what poetic irony is. Your “creative” is fast running out of synonyms for “contemplative” with which to describe all the shows they can’t watch, so please: fix this one thing for them.

For the Viral Sensation:

Your “creative” has achieved notoriety by either harmonizing with themselves in a bunch of boxes or lighting a firework with their dick, but I can guarantee you the only thing they want this Christmas is a way to parlay that virality into immediate and regular dividends of cash and attention. That’s their Turbo-Man Action Figure, sucker, and if you can’t give them that you’re as useless to them as a C270 Logitech webcam with an incompatible USB 3.0 port.

For the Improviser:

Improv classes are an expensive but necessary key to the top-down social hierarchy of your “creative’s” community. So, if you’re looking to give a gift that lasts, offer them $450 to never improvise again.

For the Graphic T-Shirt Designer:

I’ll tell you this about graphic T-shirt designers. They spend so much time making very cool T-shirts for clients that they often neglect their greatest client: themselves. Get them a graphic T-shirt they didn’t design and you can’t imagine the relief you’ll bring them.

For the Songwriter/Video Editor/Found Object Sculptor:

What could you possibly give them that would best their competitive advantage?

For the NaNoWriMo Competitor:

They like books, don’t they? You know what’s a good book: Ulysses. That’s a good book, give them that book.

For the Online Humor Writer:

Friend, friend, friend. If you could reach through your computer screen to give me a hot meal and the single, generous touch of another living being I’m sure you would.

For Them All:

An inspirational quote can help any “creative” keep their eyes on the prize! These fridge magnets each sample a lukewarm apology statement from one of their disgraced male idols.